Page 83 of In Love with the Devil

I cannot wish this away any harder.He sighs in frustration as I back away towards the door. I pause when I have the handle in my hand. “The baby? What did you do? Did you–did you kill him?”

Julian doesn't hide the shock on his face at the accusation. “Pretty bird, please, let's talk.”

“What? Did you do? With my baby?" I accentuate the words.

For a second, I see tears in his eyes. "I love you. I know you don't believe me but I do."

"You pumped me full of hormones! All those IVs… you sick son of a bitch!” I cover my mouth again as a wail builds and threatens to escape. He gets off the bed too fast.

“I can’t talk to you unless you sit and calm down.” He moves forward and I open the door from behind me. He stops walking because he doesn't want me to leave. "Don't. Don't leave. Not like this."

“Don’t move!” I screech at him and thank God, for once, he listens.

His expression fills with concern. “Astoria, take deep breaths before you faint. I’m not going to hurt you—”

I chuckle. “Like you ever gave a shit. You’ve already hurt me, Julian. In the worst way. Our parents and you… you all belong in the same hell. Stop trying to drag me into it—”

His laughter stops me from speaking. “Pretty bird, you came to me, remember?” A scream rolls out of me when he walks up to me and pushes the door closed. My back is up against it because I'm on my tippy toes, hyperventilating. The expression on his face is deadly, while his eyes dig into mine. His breathing sweeps down my nose.

“Don't! Please. Don't.” I hate how helpless I sound.

His hands slowly and gently flatten on my lower back, under my blouse. The warmth automatically makes my eyes flutter.

“You begged me to bring you here, to fuck your every hole, just like I used to.” I don’t respond except for the shaking of my head. If he doesn’t shut up I’m going to vomit. “Astoria, I let you go. You think I didn’t see you crying by the crib?”he whispers.

I open my eyes and wince at the question..

“You think I wouldn’t wake up with all the creaking of the wood panels on the floor? It took you an hour just to reach the pine trees. I watched you because I was afraid you’d faint and freeze to death. I followed your footprints on the snow to ensure you made it to wherever you were going and then I turned back home when I saw you walk into the gas station. You think I didn’t keep an eye on Mindy? That I didn't know you’d end up living with them?”

It's dizzying to realize he was right behind me, all along after all. “Why? Why would you let me go?”

“If you love a bird, cage it, then let it fly. If it returns, then it knows where home is.”

I shake my head. “No. Why did you do this to me? I threw myself at you from the minute I first saw you. Why did you have to hurt me so much? It took three months for the doctors to get me to say a word. It took me months to be able to walk outside. I am grieving the loss of a child that never existed!”

I see a shocked then a hurt expression cross his eyes, but it’s too brief for me to know or care why. “Astoria, there are things you don’t remem—”

“I remember you torturing me, playing with my mind, using every word I trusted you with for your sick, disgusting games.”

“This is who I am, and you love me like this. Obviously. I was stunned yesterday when I saw you in my office, wearing that tinyskirt. That lipstick. I never thought anyone could love the real me, but you… you’re amazing." He shakes his head. "You came back home, pretty bird.”

“Fuck you!”I scream and push him away. There are two feet between us now.

He laughs. “I love this side of you, baby. I always knew it was somewhere in there. I'm so proud of you. But it’s time to face the truth. If I would have just taken you from the beginning, it would've all been a lie. You fell in love with the real me. You belong to me, in every way possible–”

“No, I don’t." I shake my head.

"Really? So your asshole is not still gooey with my come? Hungry for more? Your pussy isn't throbbing? Your heart isn't breaking at the thought of walking out that door–"

"You broke my soul, Asher! I've spent every fucking day wishing I was dead since you took me! You think this is love?" I cover my mouth as a sob rips out of me. "Why did you have to be so cruel? I could have loved you when you first broke into my home but this…. This isn't love. Not after everything you've done to me."

"Astoria—"

"You don't understand, do you? I can't love anyone, Asher. Because. I hate myself too much. That's what you taught me, to hate myself."

"No. You're confused and there are things you don't remember."

"Julian, if I have to spend the rest of my fucked up life proving that I hate you with every fiber of my being, then I will!”

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