Page 75 of In Love with the Devil

“Wait, Tory. What do you mean?” asks Mindy.

“It had been eight months, Mindy… but… I just want to hold it in my arms. I want to see his face.” It’s when I say the last sentence that my breath gets stuck. My mind makes a connection.

I also wanted to see Julian’s face.

It sends me on a whirlwind and I don’t know what happened next.

Chapter thirty-four

Source of all Misery

Astoria

I didn't know I could be dead and not know it. I still can't remember the first three months after I escaped him. It took three psychiatrists to piece some of my sanity (not all) back together. But, one thing no one tells you about being kidnapped is that the person you were never returns, and so you live the rest of your life no longer fitting in with the people you love. He killed me the night he took me to his house. I just didn't realize it until I got out of the psychiatric ward.

I glued myself to Mindy’s couch for another month. But eventually, mandatory therapy appointments and Mindy’s wedding planning forced me to step outside the house, accompanied. The day we hunted for her wedding dress was a disaster. Anytime she was more than six inches away from me, I'd have a panic attack. And, anytime she put on a dress, she had the same reaction. Like I said, disaster. But after five shops and twenty five dresses, we found the one. Grateful that it was over,we sat in a secluded corner of a bar. It was my first time drinking alcohol again.

“Why don’t you answer Romeo’s calls or texts? At least talk to him,” Mindy suggested.

I took a sip of martini to ease the question into my brain and shook my head. “I can’t. It’s–you wouldn’t understand, Mindy.”

“Try me.”

“If Julian suspects that I’ve talked to Romeo for a second, he will kill him.”

“Tory, he’s gone. The police are after him now. He’s not coming back.”

Laughter exploded out of me. “The only reason I dared to get close to Romeo in the first place was because I thought Julian was gone.”

Mindy sighed. “This is ridiculous. I can’t believe that the police haven’t found the house you described to them. What the fuck?”

“Oh, I know what it is…”

“What?”

“They don’t believe me. Between me screaming for the baby and everything else… I mean, did you see the cops' faces when I told them Julian always wore a mask, had a skeleton painted on his face, or blindfolded me? These cases never get solved,which means he’s going to return. This is just a test." I shrug. "I’ll believe he’s gone when I see him frying on the electric chair. Besides, I have no interest in dick or what’s attached to it right now.”

She sighed. “Okay, then what do you want me to tell him?”

“Tell him I am eternally grateful, but I associate him with what happened–”

“Tory, that’s fucking awful!”

“I know. And that’s exactly why he’ll leave me alone and move on.”

Mindy stares at me but surrenders, “Fine.”

It took Fernando another two months to train me back to walking outside by myself. Everyday he'd ask me to get the mail despite having just passed by the mailbox himself. I'd only do it because I knew he was watching my every step. We knew I was ready for my second attempt at life when I didn't freak out after realizing he'd left me alone.

Then I got my job back but with a different boss. I laughed because since I told Mindy that Julian was a guy from work, thepolice wouldn’t stop hounding my old boss for information. I even heard HR threatened to fire him if one more complaint was filed against him. Oh, karma.

Everyone knew who I was. So, naturally, no one wanted to talk to me. Maybe next time Julian takes me, I’ll thank him for that.

A year after the escape

Today would have been my baby's first birthday. I dress in my white puff-sleeve lace top, wine-colored velvet skater skirt, and black long boots, then fool both Fernando and Mindy into believing I’m going to work. Instead, I call in sick and walk through the chilly city to my favorite park. It's not as cold today as it was that day. I sit on a bench by the big pond with a fountain where swans and ducks hang out in the spring, but unfortunately for me, they’ve already flown south. It’s so quiet here that I have no choice but to listen to my thoughts.

I take out my prescriptions from my purse and open them. They’re supposed to numb the pain to prevent another breakdown, but all they do is force me into this zombie state where I'm not really present. The pills fall into the semi-frozen water. I’m done hiding from reality, from what I’m supposed to feel.

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