Page 68 of In Love with the Devil

Two months later

“Wake up sleepy head,” Julian whispers into my ear and I moan. These days I’ve been so tired that it’s getting scary. Some days I hardly move out of bed.

“I’m tired, Julian.”

“I have a surprise for you.”

Slowly, I open my eyes. I can tell it’s morning because the sun is shining but on the other side of the house. “Are you going to work today?”

“No, silly, it’s Saturday. Come, get up and get ready. I’m so excited to show you.”

He holds my wrist, guiding me to the bathroom. After the shower, I find a long, white cotton night gown on the marble bench and put it on, then I gather my wet hair on one side to please him. He’s sitting on the bed with a smile on his face waiting for me and pats the mattress. “Come, lie down for me.”

I do as I’m told. What choice do I have? My belly rumbles, signaling how badly I’m starving. “Julian, I’m hungry.”

Whatever he’s up to is making him happy, so I know I don’t want to do it. A brief smile crosses his face. There’s a laptop in the middle of the bed. He raises the long skirt of my gown, pours some thick gel on my belly, and rolls a device over me while pushing down.

“Just listen,” he says while looking at the laptop.

Suddenly, I hear what sounds like a muffled heartbeat. “W-what’s that?” I ask, not wanting to face what I already know.

His gaze meets mine. “It’s our child’s heartbeat, Astoria. You’re pregnant.”

It takes me a while to breathe, to even blink, then I resist with all my might shaking my head. Instead, I lie there with the heat draining from my face.

“Look.” He turns the screen toward me and points to where the baby is. There's just a dot.

I’m pregnant… with my rapist’s baby. Unaware of what I’m doing or what’s happening, I slowly sit up. I know Julian is speaking to me, but I can’t react. I rush off the bed to the bathroom and vomit bile. He follows me but stays leaning on the door frame, itching to see my reaction. I wash my mouth, brush my teeth again then have no choice but to meet his gaze. How can someone with such a beautiful body be so evil? And how can I find this man beautiful in any way? I’m pregnant. My mind is chaos unleashed.

“Pretty bird, I know this is shocking to you, but this is good. This is what we wanted.”

My eyebrows scrounge up and shake as tears fill my eyes and my breathing quickens. He takes my arms as if he wants me to embrace him, but I just keep staring at his face, not registering his words. The floor moves under me and for a minute, I think it’s because he’s pulling me out of the bathroom toward the bed to sit me down. It gets worse, much worse. The room is spinning. It’s as if I’ve gotten caught in an ocean wave and it’s wiping me out.

Julian gently pushes me away, then cups my cheeks in his palms, and kisses my forehead. My eyes scan his skull painted face. It’s too much for me. I’m having a baby with the devil, the worst person I’ve ever met since my father. I lose the world.

Kisses on my cheeks, on my neck and a deep voice. “Astoria, wake up.”

First, a tsunami of anxiety sweeps over me. I wonder why. What happened this time? Then I remember. The world is too heavy. I grab at the collar with both my hands.“I can’t breathe.” Julian rushes, to unlock me. It changes nothing.

“Little bird, you need to calm down. Deep, slow breaths.”

“No.”

“Astoria, listen, I know this is a big surprise, but panic attacks and fainting are not good for pregnancies. So try to make an extra effort.” Julian takes me in his arms, cradling me as if I were a little kid he's trying to rock to sleep. I can’t have a baby with him in this horrible place.

God, please no. Let this be another one of his tricks, please.

I turn my face so that it’s up against his stomach while sobbing hysterically and for the first time since I’ve met him, Julian tries to calm me instead of relishing destroying my sanity. Only after a while do I realize I’ve been repeating the words, “I can’t do this.”

He plants brief kisses all over me again. “It’s okay. Shh…” Julian pushes my hair back, kissing my temple and my cheek every so often.

"Square root of a hundred and forty-four is twelve. One hundred to four-hundred nanometers. Ultraviolet. We don't have theprivilege of seeing the beauty of that color. We're blind to it. Did you know that there's no wavelength range that defines pink? Pink is only a mix. Isn't it weird how we can see something that's just an illusion but can't see something thatisreal? So many animals can see it. Why not us?"

I'm unaware of my rambling being out loud until Julian answers,"Yes, like love, pink cannot be defined by numbers, because it's immeasurable." He keeps slowly rocking me, gently raking my hair back. "It's going to be okay, pretty bird. I know it's scary. I know. But I do love you so it's going to be okay."

They say a baby is a miracle. Maybe this miracle can make this devil holding me a kind person and can make me whole. I know how impossible that is, but I’m trying to grapple with something. We’ve been one and a fraction for so long but maybe the baby can make us three, like magic. My thoughts disappear. Somehow, I disconnect from the world around me, I'm numb, untouchable. My stomach rumbles again. He chuckles. “I think someone is a little hungry. Come, I’ll make you anything you want.

“Julian?”

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