Page 59 of In Love with the Devil

I should have lied. I shouldn't have trusted him with this at all. While shaking my head I defend her, trying to save her life. “She had zero evidence. It was her word against his! And what mother wants the world to know her child seduced her father? It’s always our fault isn’t it? It’s my fault, it’s my mom’s fault, it’s always on us! When all the lot of you have to do isStop. Raping. Us!” I pause to catch my breath, not sure I made sense at all, and wipe my tears without understanding why I’m so angry. Maybe it’s that deep inside I know none of that excuses how Mom treated me. I want to break something, I want to slash my skin. I need the pain inside to come out, but it’s infinite. “Fu–ck–!” I slap my hands on the counter, grab my cup, and slam it on the floor.That's not enough to flush out my rage so I throw my plate across the room, then his. Still not enough.

Everything crashes. There's spilled coffee everywhere, but Julian doesn’t even blink. He stands there, watching me devolve into a puddle. I fold into myself, kneeling on the wood speckled with ceramic pieces and coffee, trying to avoid facing the fact that my mother never loved me, and failing miserably.

He's right.

I've always day-dreamed her death and that Mindy's parents would adopt me.

Why is it so painful to realize that something this horrible was not my fault after all–that I was innocent? I wish I could hug the little girl I was, so desperate to feel warm in someone's arms and only having a monster to run to. I swallow deep when I finally understand that my rage is there because everyone who was responsible for me lied to me, shamed and blamed me so that they could weaken me and thereby, use me. I shake my head atthe thought because I don’t want it to be true. It’s too painful, but it’s already there, naked, for me to have to endure and accept. Slivers of glass are cutting into my knees and I couldn’t give less of a shit.

I have no idea how long I stay there with Julian waiting and watching me. I don’t even know how many times he calls my name before I hear it.

“Astoria.” His voice, his tone are so calm that they caress my eardrum. The music in the background is another rainy day, slow jazz song but when I look out one of the windows, it’s bright outside. The only thing raining is me, through my eyes.

I meet his dark-as-a-black-holes eyes. “Let’s go outside for a walk.” He extends his hand to me. My eyes shift between his skull-painted face, and his fingers which are only an inch or two from me. The shock shakes me out of the dark world that was my childhood. His words are ones I never expected him to speak to me.

He cleans the wounds on my knees, and covers them with bandages. I discover I like it when he does that, take care of me, but more often than that, all Julian does, is control and torture me. "Put the glasses on." It's a demand from a tyrant, a monster who's every word I've learned to measure and fear.

The brightness blinds me as soon as I look out the opened front door, so I shut my eyes tight while wincing.

“Just open them slowly as you get used to it.” He pulls me, firm but also slowly, as if he were carrying me through something Ihad to do, not something I begged for. The gentleness rips my soul, demolishing the walls I’ve been protecting myself with. But I purposefully remind myself once again that he’s the monster that raped me and destroyed my life. The memory is the brick and cement I use to rebuild the wall again.

I could run to the forest… maybe I could escape. But the forest seems further away than this morning. It’s as if this was the last house on Earth. Nothing but grass surrounds the house, no neighbors.

The white porch is wide and wrapped around the house but dated and dirty. There are white rocking chairs, matching gray-painted wooden floors, and yellow flowers hanging from white wicker baskets. This must be a dream. It looks like an old farm house that needs a lot of work; the paint is chipped and fading, the wicker baskets are falling apart but it’s part of the charm for me. An old home. I wonder if love has ever lived here.

He guides me down the three thin steps to the grass, then holds both my forearms as he walks backward. I’m still not completely used to the light so I keep my eyes down.

It's like being reborn, experiencing everything for the first time again. There’s that rare smell I love that tells me it’s going to rain. It banishes all my bad thoughts and I giggle at him a little, drawing a smile out of him. The thick blades of grass tickle my feet. I take in the rich green of it and snap my eyes up to him while giggling again. I realize he is soaking my every reaction with awe. My laughter dissolves at the skull paint but a smile that I couldn’t possibly hide, stays. My eyes meet his and we are locked. His are the first to falter to my slightly opened lips. His gaze is so intense, as if he’d never hungered for anything otherthan to kiss me. It hardens my nipples right before the fear overwhelms me, my heart rushing.

“Julian–” It’s a whisper full of horror mixed with wanting.My insides ache for this man. How? Why?

He sinks down to me and takes my lips in his. It's a passionate, fast kiss. The aching spreads and intensifies. It's insufferable.No!I moan, and push, wanting to break away, but he doesn’t stop. His hold tightens and I melt into it, kissing him back. He cups my breast. I push at him with both hands, but he continues playing with my nipple. My whimpers grow louder as my pussy melts and aches too intensely. I stomp on his shoe and he releases me. I guess it’s surprising that I’m fighting him at all.

That’s when I bolt, running toward the forest with my eyes shedding tears at the stinging, the edges of my vision slowly becoming white. I know if I reach it, I’ll be safe. I’ll escape. The trees are probably just there to cover what’s happening in the property. My chest hurts. I widen my steps, trying to cover more ground, not caring that I feel like I’m going to die. I’m tired far too soon. I can hear his steps squishing the grass. Hearing it makes me panic. He's too close. I'm two yards away when I hear him scream, "Astoria stop!" The concern oozes but I don't believe him, I don't dare look back.

And just like that, he grabs my hair and pulls so hard I fall.I lose the sunglasses. The light stings me into squeezing my eyes tight.

“Ah–h! No!” I screech and pant not only from being caught but also from the pain of falling on my hip bone and elbow. “No! No! No!” I fight him on the grass, kicking, screaming, scratching,biting but he always manages to regain control. I think the only reason why he hasn’t pinned me down is because he is laughing too hard.

He can’t have me.“No–!”He can’t.

“Do you know what this means?” The laughter thunders. His body is on top of mine and his hand pins mine above me. He continues to laugh.

When his smiling eyes meet mine, the fear drowns me. It’s too much.

He’s going to throw me back to the basement!

It was all a trick. He knew what I would do. No! No! No! I hear myself gasping for air but it doesn’t reach my lungs. I want to say,I’m sorry, please don’t do it, don’t do it,but all that comes out of me are strange sounds. “Ick-ick, igg.”

The smile melts away from his face.It’s like the air has been sucked out of the planet but he’s fine. My lungs are screaming, my veins are throbbing, searching for oxygen.Where is it? I’m dying. I’m fucking dying. No!The balls of my feet drag against the dirt.Help me!His lips are moving but there’s no sound.

“Astoria!” he yells, trying to get my attention. I didn’t realize he’d let me go. My hands flatten on my burning chest. “Astoria, slow down. Just breathe, slowly.”

But I can’t. I shake my head, terrified, and blotches are filling my view, blocking even him. I’m going to die, here, with him; noone will ever know what happened to me. He’ll probably throw me in a ditch, then grab the next weak, stupid bitch he can find. My tears are continuous. I turn my eyes to the forest which is too near. I could’ve made it. If I would have run faster, I could’ve made it.

Just when I give up, Julian turns my face back to him. It's so him to not let me die the way I want. He pinches my nose and slams his lips on mine. What the fuck is he doing? I push against his chest. He breathes air into my mouth then lifts his face to check on me. I cough, gasping again but in a different way, a way that actually gets the air into my lungs. My body is limp, completely drained. I’m wheezing as my breathing slowly calms. My lungs are still in scorching pain, but at least they have what they need.

His forefinger and thumb squeeze one of my wrists and I see him counting.

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