Page 58 of In Love with the Devil

“But zero fixed so many mathematical problems just by meaning nothing. Even like that… it still had some value. Technically, it’s the first even number, but it allows number two to take that credit. It’s generous, like death. Everyone thinks death is the bad guy, but really, death frees us from this limiting world and body.”

Julian sighs again and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Pretty bird… What. Did. He. Do. To you?”

I stare at his face. There's no way I can trust him, not with this. “If you really want this to be a nice morning for me... then don’t force me to talk about this Julian. Can we–”

“Stop stalling, Astoria!”The scream makes me flinch.

I swallow, and hug myself in an attempt to stop my shaking, then close my eyes as I explain, “I still don’t… I’m still trying to figure it out. But every time I think I’ve almost got it, everything seems to demolish like a house of cards. It’s like in algebra when you’re trying to find what the value of ‘X’ is and you can’t find it.”

“Figure out what, Astoria? For God’s sake you’re making no sense.”

I disconnect from myself to ask, “How does a five-year-old seduce her own father?” It hurts so bad to spill the wordsthat I cover my mouth, feeling violently nauseous, dirty, and grimacing.

“What?” he yells and stands, looking shocked. But I can tell Julian knew it already. He'd guessed it by the way I spoke and behaved. Isn't that why he always calls me a whore? Cause I''mthatkind of girl. Always have been. Maybe he didn’t want to know it, like everyone else.I can't blame him cause it's the dirtiest thing one can do.

“What do you mean? Tell me exactly what happened.”

My thumbnail scratches at the arm of the cup despite its smoothness. “Mom used to always yell at me when I would wear dresses and skirts without shorts under. Was it that? Because if it was, then I’m so sorry. Was it that I hugged him too much? He always used to pull me to sit on his lap and I would lean my head on his chest, but I swear it was because I felt safe and warm. I-I loved him." I cover my mouth with both hands as fat tears slip out of my eyes then wipe them away. "I didn’t want him to dothatto me. I didn't know I could make him… lose control. Not like that." I shake my head. "I stopped hugging him as soon as it started. Was it that Julian?”

Too many minutes of my fidgeting pass but Julian doesn’t say another word and his gaze weighs too heavily on me to ignore it. “Both my parents worked, but Daddy had the earlier shift, so he’d be the one to pick me up from school. As soon as we’d get home, he’d… bathe me…”

Slowly, I turn my eyes to Julian and when my gaze meets his, I snap it away. I take another gulp of the coffee, needing heaven toheat my soul. But I just feel more nauseous. My hands hug the cup and I lean my forehead on its side, feeling the warmth from the steam on my closed eyelids. Suddenly I can’t keep the words inside.

“One day she got home early. And… she caught me… touching myself while sitting on the edge of the tub because that’s what Dad… that’s he always asked of me. Every day, after showering, he’d tell me to touch myself and… I would. He'd always ask to… taste me.” Even though I haven’t really eaten, I want to vomit so badly. The pain wrinkles my forehead, and my tears fall onto my omelet.

“She threw him out of the house and told him to never contact us again or she’d call the police. But, after he left… she said I seduced him. That I liked it because otherwise… I would’ve told her. We had to move to the bad side of the city, with only one income and she never let me forget why. I wished she’d never found out. It’s only been recently that I’ve realized it was a good thing after all, because sooner or later hewouldhave taken everything from me… like you.” Only when I’m done talking in a trance, remembering the roaches we lived with, do I realize I’m holding on to the coffee cup for dear life, my fingers changing from red to white.

“Your mom doesn’t deserve the oxygen she breathes.” My gaze snaps to him.

“In that case, neither do you.”Why am I defending her?

“Oh, I’m quite aware of the monster I am, Astoria. But at least I do not hide behind the mask of a savior. I paint myself, everyfucking day, with a skull so that you don’t forget for a second, in whose presence you are."

I see the hunger to kill all over his body. “Please don’t kill her. Don’t kill anyone else. Please–I don’t need you to kill anyone–”

His fingers wipe my cheek and with a low calm voice, he asks, “Did she ever love you?”

What the fuck is he doing? “Stop. Don't you dare!”

“Did she ever tell you how beautiful you are?”

No, no, no. My tears keep falling and the hole in my chest widens, stealing my breath. I cover it with my palm.

“Or did she teach you that your beauty seduces men to do horrible things to you?”

I stand and take two steps away from him, but he follows me. He's blocking me, trapping me.“This is why you hide yourself behind Mindy? Behind layers of clothes that never show off your body?” He licks his lips and his hand cups my other cheek. “You are so fucking beautiful, Astoria, and it’s not your physical beauty that made me do all those things to you, that attracted me. It’s the hole she dug in you for years. She’s just as bad as your father. Your father is probably raping other little girls out there because she never reported him. How does that feel?”

“Stop!” I pull away, the sob quaking through me, but he cups my cheeks again, squeezing them.

“It wasn’t your fault. Have you ever met a sexy five-year-old? Was it your idea to touch yourself in front of your father? Your mother was just blaming you to avoid taking responsibility for her negligence. And who knows what other sick shit she had in her mind. How the fuck is a five-year-old supposed to know that her father is molesting her and that it’s wrong?She'sthe one who didn't create a safe enough environment for her daughter to trust her!She'sthe one that never loved you so you ran to your father for affection!" He pauses. "Admit it. You've been wanting her death as much as Jeremy's, as much as Emanuel's."

“Shut up!” His arms wrap around me. I try to push him away.

“You’re fucking gorgeous, Astoria. Every time I watched you dancing, letting your true self out, everyone else disappeared from the room. It was amazing. I couldn’t stay away, and I knew it would be easy to get you because I could see what your mom did to you. Do you understand? She made you an easy target. It’s not your beauty or your personality, it was her–”

“Stop it! My mom did the best she could, you fucking asshole!” I scream at the top of my lungs as I yank myself from him. The anger numbs the chest pain. A surge of energy and strength rushes through me. Surprisingly, Julian doesn’t knock me out for insulting him.

"I could never figure out why your journal had so many death wishes for Jeremy and Emanuel but none for her when she treated you so badly. But youdowant me to kill her. Don't you, pretty bird?"

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