Page 31 of In Love with the Devil

A knock on the door wakes me. I haven’t hidden in a closet since I was a child. Closets are small, warm and closed. I always felt safer with two walls right up against my back when Mom would start raging. This time, I hid because I heard something move in the kitchen. The knock grows more impatient and louder. I ignore the pain and soreness in my butt, pussy, and left breast while running to the front door.

“Sorry I’m so late–” Mindy widens her eyes at my state, looking me up and down. “What the fuck? Astoria Torres, what is this?” I’m wearing PJs. My eyelashes are wet, my eyes are swollen, probably red, and I know my hair is a mess because I don't remember when I last brushed it. Plus, Mindy is always dressedto perfection and although she’s gotten used to my lax style, I know this is a new level.

“I’m not...” I push my hair back and bite my lip, breaking the skin. “Um… I’m not okay,” I wince while whispering.

She takes a few steps into the house, speechless. I can’t help it. I wrap my arms around her and the minute I feel her reciprocate, I break down on her shoulder. Several times I pull away, but Mindy holds me, somehow knowing I need more, so much more.Finally, when we’re holding each other at arm’s length, she asks, “Is this because of Jeremy? I should have called you last night.”

“What? I haven’t heard from Jeremy in ages.”

“Oh shit. I shouldn’t have asked like that–”

“No. Wait a minute. Tell me. What happened?” I ask as I wipe my cheeks.

“Nothing, Tory. Tellmewhat’s going on. And I know it’s not your period.”

“Mindy,” I warn.

“Jeremy is dead, Tory. I'm sorry,” she says it so as a matter of fact. As if Jeremy hadn’t been someone important in our lives, her friend for years, my first boyfriend for a few months.

No. I must be hallucinating. It's impossible. I blink a few times, trying to keep myself in this world while feeling it slowly slipping from under me. “Wh-what do you mean, dead?”

“Um. It’s all over the news back home. He was murdered. They found him at the lake where everyone used to go make-out.”

Jeremy was found murdered where he raped me? Murdered? I take the last gulp of breath that fills my lungs. It’s as if the news has taken all the oxygen out of the world. I can’t breathe.

Mindy, I can’t breathe.Help me, please.

"Astoria!"

I see Mindy talking but I can't really hear her. Dark sprinkles slowly fill my world view. My knees buckle and no matter how much she tries, Mindy can't carry me.

“She’s waking up,” Mindy’s voice alerts. I can’t see yet.

“That’s good,” answers Fernando.Why is Fernando here? What’s happening? I open my eyes and find them standing beside my bed, watching me.

“Mindy?” I whisper.

“Shh… It’s okay. You’re gonna be okay.”

“What’s going on?”

“You had a panic attack,” explains Fernando.

“What?”

“It’s no big deal. Everyone has one at one point or another. It totally makes sense. You’ve been so busy and stressed with work, you know. And now this thing. It’s gonna be okay,” explains Mindy.

“Why-why do you keep saying–” I gasp. “Oh my God, he’s dead.” I bolt upright.

Mindy takes both my hands.“Astoria, look at me. It’s going to be okay.”

“Take some deep breaths,” instructs Fernando.

I do. Why am I crying? I hated Jeremy. I begged for his death many times in my journal.The horror paralysis me.Oh my God. I wished for his death.Julian has access to my computer. He must have read my journal.

That’s when the breathing goes wrong again and my eyes widen. Fernando places a paper bag over my nose and mouth and I breathe into it. I hold on to the paper bag as if my life depends on it. After a while, the asphyxiating sensation slowly dissipates. Julian read my journal and killed Jeremy. No one can convince me otherwise.

“Astoria?” Fernando calls.My eyes meet his and slowly, I pull away the bag. “Are you feeling better?” he asks.

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