Page 108 of In Love with the Devil

“I’m sorr–”

At the top of my lungs, I scream, “No. You don’t get to pronounce those words to me. You don’t. Because I don’t forgive you! You don’t get to ask for forgiveness. You don’t deserve it. I’ll never fucking forgive you! You piece of shit! You. Fucking. Ruined Me!” I pound at my chest the last four words as a wailing threatens to escape me.

“You were supposed to be my father, and you ruined me! I loved you so fucking much and in return, you ruined me! No!” I break down. “God. I can’t. I can’t do this. I hate you so much, so fucking much. You made me hate myself. You made Mom hate me. You ruined my body, my mind, my childhood, my life.” I sob as I push back my hair while walking back and forth, losing my mind.

This can’t be real. “There’s not an inch of me you didn’t fuck up.” I collapse at the foot of the bed, my elbows on the mattress, my hands holding my head as I devolve into a silent weeping, and whisper, “Because of you, I’m in love with my rapist. Because of you, I’m addicted to him abusing and raping me.” My sobbing distorts the words so I don’t know if he understands me, but I can’t help it because it hurts too much to say how fucked up I am out loud. "Because of you, my mind thinks abuse is passion…"

“Astoria… Listen…”

“I said shut the fuck up!”I didn't tighten the faucet enough because I can hear the drops of water falling as I try to calm down. I can hear his breathing and feel his disgusting presence. Time passes and I’m relieved he says nothing. I turn to face him, but I stare at the ground, in a trance.

“Why? Why would you do that to a little child? Why? I’ve been wondering every single fucking day of my life since.” I growl. “What did I do? I was so happy. I thought I was pretty. I thought I was good.” I sob, dying for comfort, for someone to take me into their arms and erase my life, hug this agony out of me. As my shoulders cave in, I whisper again, “Why?”

“It had nothing to do with you, baby girl. I wish… I wish I could go back and stop myself. I do.” As he speaks, I stand up.

“Shut up! Shut the fuck up. You are seeking my forgiveness and you’re not going to get it. You took everything from me! But you will never get that! Do you hear me? You never will! Ju–lian!”

“No. Astoria. Listen–Don’t call him." I can hear the terror in his tone, see it in his wide open eyes. "He’s been torturing–”

“Julian!”

The metal clanking of the doors intensifies the terror into every wrinkle on his face. Good. His fear makes me smile and for the first time in my life I crave hurting someone really bad. The hunger rises fast. For once, I’m grateful for Julian’s darkness.

“Astoria, please–”

I shake my head slowly and wonder why I cant stop myself from smiling. “I don’t care what you have to say.”

“No. Listen–”

“Get out! Get the fuck out!”

I walk around the bed to the other side of the room, the one opposite to the door, to my father, and to Julian as he walks in. My father cries like the coward he is. That’s where I got it from, now I know.

When Julian comes in, I can’t hold back because the panic speaks for me. “Take him out of here.”

“little bird…” I can hear the smile in his tone.

“Take him out, Julian. Get him out!” I turn away, resting my forehead on the corner, scratching at the wall, whispering, “It’s not real. It’s not real.”

When Julian’s palms gently land on my shoulder, it startles me. He turns me to face him.

“Why did you do this?” I ask.

“It’s your gift, pretty bird.” He kisses my forehead, then takes the key from his pocket and unlocks my collar. Our eyes lock.“It doesn’t make sense. Nothing does. But I love you,” Julian says, then kisses my lips so gently that I second-guess myself as to whether this is reality.

“No, you don’t, Julian,” I respond as I shake my head.

“Yes. I do, and that’s why I’m letting you go.”

“What?”

I see him, taking something from his back pocket. It’s a blade knife. I swallow and back into the corner. The walls hit my back too soon. There’s no space. After drowning in his gorgeous blue eyes for a few seconds, I accept my fate. I tilt my chin up and close my eyes, waiting for it to slash my throat.

Let's face it, we always knew this day would come, and it’s for the best because I can’t live with Julian abusing me. But I can't live without him. I never meant to forgive him but somehow I did, and I hate myself because of it. It's disgusting.

“Go ahead, Julian. Do it.”

“No.”

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