Page 11 of Ruthless God

I stare at the math equations as if they are a foreign language, then I yank out my phone and watch a YouTube video to try to understand the concept.

Frustration hits me, so I close the book and slip it back into my book bag.

I asked the director of the disability program who also happens to be my college algebra professor to give me extra time to do my schoolwork, but he told me it will take time to get the arrangement approved, and I even offered him bribe money, but he declined and gave me a lecture about being a snobby person thinking he can be bought.

Lilac sits next to me, while Winter has her literature class right now. I was so glad to get away from them earlier, because they were bombarding me with questions about my relationship with Snow.

Her eyes narrow and concern etches her face. “You haven’t answered our group chat. What did Snow say to upset you?”

I put the group chat on mute because I didn’t want to answer any questions, but Lilac is persistent. She should become an FBI agent because she knows how to find out people’s business. “I don’t want to talk about it,” I answer honestly. I don’t want to carry the pain in my chest of him hurting my feelings.

“Oh, you’re the one who was in the accident with her,” she pieces together.

“How’d you figure that out?”

“Why else would he be pissed off at you? You used to hang around him since freshman year.”

Our car accident made the headlines. Fortunately, our parents didn’t reveal who I was to the media.

I nod, trying to get rid of the memory, but I’m pretty sure people who pay attention to Snow know we used to hang out together. If people suspect I was the one in the car accident, no one will dare speak of it.

“Oh, I had no idea. The way he was watching you…” She chews on her bottom lip before answering. “Like you’re his prey.”

I ignore her comment, and the fact that he had Savannah all over him makes me not want to touch him. If he wants to have her as a mistress while we’re married, he’s allowed to, as long as he doesn’t touch me. He’s hurting me out of spite, and it worked. I cried the entire way to my first class that he doesn’t believe I was drugged that night. So I have to prove to him that I was.

I’ve been trying to make sense of Bailey’s behavior before her death because she was acting strange, disappearing for hours. It felt like her boyfriend was watching her because she would go into crying spells, though at the time it didn’t make any sense. I’m certain we were drugged the night of the car accident.

I need to find out who her boyfriend was because she never told me his name. She was worried he was going to hurt her. No one took Bailey seriously because she was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, but I did. I did everything I could to try to keep her from the dark space. To help her walk a thin line between reality and hallucinations. People usually swept her feelings and thoughts under the rug because of her illness.

Worry mars Lilac’s face as she snaps her fingers. “Earth to Lyric. Are you there?”

I slap my palm across my forehead.

“Can you go to the American Gods’ party with me?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to go.”

“Please, Winter won’t be able to go because she’s hanging out with her parents.”

I don’t want to stay in my room all day, plus I won’t run into Snow because he never attends them, and I don’t plan to stay long, so I nod. “I’ll go.”

“Is it possible you can hook me up with Irvin? I think he’s cute.”

Irvin is weird from what Snow has told me about him in the past. He’s the loner of the group and doesn’t hang out with them. I don’t know if it has to do with him not getting along with Snow. When we were teenagers, they used to get into fistfights all the time.

“You don’t want to get involved with him.”

“Can I tell you something that’s personal? But you can’t repeat it to anyone, not even to Winter.”

I nod, twisting my hair around my finger.

Embarrassment colors her face. “A girl in my class told me Irvin has a kink that I want to try.”

My eyebrows climb up my forehead. “Which is…?”

“Um… I like to be choked and chased and I like it when a man forces himself on me,” she whispers as she looks down at the ground.

She has nothing to be embarrassed about because I have a whole sketchbook filled with something similar to what she’s just described, but it’s of me and Snow doing primal play. Before the car accident, I was going to ask him to take my virginity, to explore that side I crave together.