Page 50 of Love on the Run

Soft sobs rack her body.

“Baby, please—” I cut myself off allowing her the time and space to cry. Her small shoulders shake. My t-shirt is soaked in minutes as she cries her heart out.

“Dr. Ito, told me.” She whispers brokenly into my chest.

“We can try again,” I try to reassure her. Silently cursing the physician, I wanted to tell her once we were in Tokyo back at our penthouse in the clouds. She’s already shaking her head, “No.”

I feared this that she didn’t’ want to try again but I won’t push her. I say nothing just rub soothing circles on her back.

“She didn’t make it sound like we could, Akchiro.”

“Dr.Ito is not an OBGYN, Flower. She’s an internist. She should have never given you that indication. We can get a second opinion.” I assure her.

She visibly relaxes. I look down as she eases out of my arms and looks at me. For the first time I see the sadness flee a little. There is a bright shining hope at her edges of her sorrow now.

“Really?” her eyes. Her beautiful eyes. She fucking slays me.

“Really. Really.” I press a soft kiss to her forehead.

This time it’s me pulling back to cup her face. I press a soft kiss to her mouth before moving back to meet her hopeful gaze. “We have some issues to work through first. No.” I give her a rough shake of my head when I see the embarrassment and shame start to cloud her face. I kiss her again soft, lingering. Drawing it out until she softens and opens for me. I delve into her mouth with a gentle insistence.

“You will not do that to yourself, Flower Takeda. It is my job to protect you, to provide for you and Asa, to give you pleasure and praise. I will stand in the gap for you now as I should have before. The way you deal with your pain is never going to be judged by me, but I will help you find better ways to express it.” Little by little as she listens to my words her expression softens from embarrassment and shame to acceptance.

Finally, she nods. Swallowing she lifts her face to me and kisses me softly. Shifting she rest her back against me. I wrap my arms around her middle cupping the her tummy.

Relaxing seemingly for the first time since all this started, she says, “When I was twelve my brother’s best friend Justice—DiDi’s brother was murdered. That’s when it started. Well, not right then but after…” she trails off lost in thought. I say nothing. I wait holding space for her grief as she remembers her friend. “He was like my big brother too. T-then, FADE and Ghadi, who took Justice’s place did an opening for Big Daddy Q and they blew up. It happened so fast. Within a year we moved to New York so they could record full time. Nobody knew it was part of a protection program because FADE testified against Savalle, the kingpin who had Justice killed. Willow and I were put in separate boarding schools using Ellington instead of Carrington. That’s why I used it when we first met, I always did before people knew I was the biggest rappers in the world sister.” She shrugs a little in apology making me remember how I had such a hard time finding her after she used the alias when we first met.

Leaning forward I kiss her temple, not bothering to address something we have long since passed.

“Hmm. Anyway, I was still grieving and alone in an east coast elite boarding school with a bunch of wealthy kids. I had nothing like trust funds, trips to Paris and celebrity in common with. No one was outwardly mean or racists, but I was the outsider. Despite the blessing of getting this type of education and I knew how lucky I was, I started to feel like I was a kettle with a stopped spout. My chest hurt all the time. I was having panic attacks. I even fainted once. They sent me home. My parents were so worried. I was putting them through so much.

Then one day on winter break I was so pent up I made the mistake of cutting my finger. I realized the pressure eased. When I started getting too many cuts my mom remarked on it. So, I realized when you stick a pin in balloon the air releases. So, I started doing my inner thighs and cutting in places people don’t notice. I didn’t stop until Prosper came to school. That’s how we met and became best friends. She convinced me to get somehelp.” She shrugs. “The hardest part was telling my family, but my therapist said there was no other way to fully heal.”

“And now?” I ask quietly. “Has this been a part of your life wince we’ve been together? When we lost the baby?”

“No.” Shaking her head vehemently, she leans back to look at me. “No.” she reaffirms before turning forward again.

“Not that I wasn’t tempted. My family really stepped up and held me accountable. I was so broken, Akchiro.” Her head dips low into her chest. “It wasn’t until you came that I felt like I could breathe again. When I saw you standing at the end of the Creative Chaos boardroom, I realized I was holding my breath the whole time we were apart.”

My heart craters at her words. My arms tighten around her. “I fucking love you so much, Hana. I’d die without you.” Her small arms loop over mine. I feel splashes on my arms. Her shoulders shake.

“I love you, so much, Akchiro. I’m so sorry.”

Bending low, I cover as much of her as I can. “Let me help you. Let me cover you, love.” She nods and though I know the tears will continue for the first time I allow hope to enter the space that houses my heart.

Quietly I hold her vowing as I do that I will let no further harm – self-inflicted and definitely not from me to come to my Hana again.

“Hana, I promise we will start anew. We will go to Tokyo and begin our life. I will do this therapy with you to make sure I have the tools to help you. I will be the protector I should have been. I let my vengeance rule me for too long at the expense of our love and family for which I must hosho tsukuimasu. You and Asa will have my amends. I will be the man worthy of your trust again.”

“How will I make my amends to you?” She turns to me, eyes solemn and expectant.

“You already have.” I tell her cupping her nape dragging her into my lap. “You have from the moment you came on this yacht and did everything could to keep your family together.” Curling into me, she brings her knees into her chest.

“What if they say we can’t have another baby?” The way her hand curls into tee-shirt. I grab it covering it. “I didn’t make you mine to be the mother of my children. I wanted you to be my life partner.” The gruff catch in my voice and the sting in my eyes are evidence of the truth of my own words. Now it’s time for my own confession. “The only reason I demanded another child was because I wanted to have reason to keep you with me. I knew you’d agree to anything to keep Asa. I used your motherhood against you. You know the type of man I am Flower. There is nothing I won’t do to have you. Keep you pregnant. Kill anyone who tries to take you from me or help you. I won’t apologize for it. You’re mine.”

Impossibly she snuggles closer. “I know and I love you no matter what. I know you are not the perfect man but you’re perfect for me. You are my answer.” She kisses my chest.

“You are mine, my little lotus flower.”

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