Falling to the floor, my heart feeling like my six-foot-two husband is standing on my chest.
Through a blur of hot tears, I see a hint of blue stripes. Grabbing the soft material, I bring it to my face. “Asa.” Sobbing, I hold it to my face. I can barely smell just a hint of his baby one scent.
I don’t know how long I sit crumbled on the floor. Feeling lost, I don’t know what to do.
I get it now. How he must have felt when he woke up in his own filth after I left him weak and disoriented from the drugs I gave him not knowing where we were.
Callous? Cruel? All this time I thought I was the better person. I sashayed around our life acting like I was better than him because the lengths Akchiro made no apologies about going to keep his family safe — keeping me and Asa safe, only to hurt and abandon him. I see I’m not better than the monster I married. We are both monsters. The only difference until this moment he never hurt what he claimed he loved. I completely devastated him. Out of what he must have felt was the blue. I never complained. I never told him to stop. When I did find out I didn’t demand he stop. I didn’t fight for us. I ran.
When I finally decided to fight for us, I quickly made head way. I could kick myself for all the mistakes I’ve made.
Now, I’ve become a burden. Maybe he still loves me but can’t find his way to forgiveness. Now coupled with my defectiveness… he can’t justify putting more of an effort.
Picking myself up off the floor, I walk slowly to the door. Carefully avoiding the concerned looks on the faces of the substantially reduced crew, I go to back to my state room.
He’s not coming back. He never even told me when he left the ship previously, so why would he when he’s plotted my dismissal sfrom his life? The disrespect of his actions is nothing compared to the sorrow in my heart at losing my son.
I lock the door so that I’m not disturbed. Hearing the click, I step out of my shoes not bothering to put them away. The floor in the entrance is cold. It feels like spikes beneath my bare soles. Stepping onto the carpet the cold fades but the texture I once marveled at being so soft and luxurious only feels irritating and abrasive.
My tread is loud and plodding as I walk to the bathroom door. It closes a soft snick that sounds in my ears like a starter pistol at the races. I don’t bother locking it. He not coming back. He took my son and he’s not coming back.
Sitting on the toilet, I release the pressure from my bladder I didn’t realize until now I was feeling.
My entire body feels like an over filled balloon or a pressure cooker that doesn’t have a relief valve. Everything hurts. There is a constant expanding in my chest. I know if I don’t release the pressure I’m going to pass out. Every beat of my heart is like an explosion in my ears, a sledgehammer to my chest. My lungs aren’t moving. I see dots in my vision. My ears feel like they are waterlogged and stuffed with cotton, the pressure is boarding on a migraine like pain. I try to swallow back the acid but retch right there between my legs. It’s never been like this. Fumbling with the toilet roll I snatch it off the spool. Squeezing it, a sparkle of stainless steel catches my eye.
My heart speeds up. I take my first real breath of the day. I upturn the tube. The cold metal of the straight-razor’s blade falls like a cold lover in my palm.
Getting up, I take a towel and cover my retch, not bothering to do anything more not when I have much more important things to do. Like breathe.
I pour alcohol in my rinse cup. I get a soft white bath sheet folding it over.
Undressing completely, I put the towel down sitting in my favorite corner.
I count the pins in my thigh. Thirty.
One by one I take them out I drop them into the liquid. Watching as the water gradually turns pink. It’s like with every slide against my flesh as they come out a little of the pressure on my chest is released.
Knowing the real release is yet to come makes anticipation spiral through my body. My fingers shake, making me clumsy with excitement. The pain of the removal is exquisite. It’s just. What I deserve. I need this.
My thigh is a bloody mess by the time I pull out the last pin. The alcohol filled cup is entirely red. I take the bottle of alcohol and squirt it on my thigh watching the blood run onto the white towel in fascination. I do it a few times just to enjoy the sting imagining all thirty pinpricks releasing the pain and rage of my grief. Another dead baby, I’m two for one.Useless.
Sane, confident Flower would never allow that thought but I haven’t been her for a while, I don’t know how to get her back. I tried to be everything he wanted and he is still bored of me in the end. Doesn’t even think I’m worthy of the child we made together.
Bending, I blow on it. I’m going to have to start on the other thigh. I’ll call the in-house medic when I’m done to get some bandages when I’m done. It’s freeing not having the extra pressure of trying to hide anything from Akchiro.
That’s one good thing about his leaving. I have the freedom to do what I want without the worry of his disappointment or judgement.
Now, finally I get to the get to the good part. I look at the canvas of my body. It’s been so long since I could do whatever I wanted. I don’t have to hide.
Squeezing alcohol over the blade I wave it let it air dry. I place it on my uninjured thigh. As I prep the area between my breasts.
This is where it hurts the most. Before my skin dries. I draw a line down the center of my chest between my breasts. In the millisecond that I see the blood bloom there, coupled with the pinprick of delicious pain, I feel like the pressure valve in my chest has been released. Tears of relief spill down my face as I take long cleansing breaths. My chest rises and falls like I’ve escaped a sarcophagus.
Slicing matching lines on the inner creases of my twin mounds, I watch the blood racing down then pooling on the little dip of my tummy filling my belly button to overflowing. I think it’s fitting. Hoping with the loss of blood some of my love for Akchiro leaves with it.
I was never good enough for him. I knew he was out of my league the moment I got in that limo the first night. I so selfish I took everything he gave me and never told him my history. In the back of my mind the whole time I waited for it to fall apart. It was almost a relief when it did. He doesn’t even think I’m worthy to Asa’s mom even though I did my best— let alone his wife. He didn’t even give me a chance to say goodbye. All that red string of fate bullshit was just that —bull shit. He never meant any of it.
It would be so easy to make the line vertical lines along my veins. I don’t want to die. I just want the pain to stop.