Page 29 of Love on the Run

Dr. Ito came in to see how I was fairing after my first night of trying to conceive —like I had a choice, seeing how upset I was, she said they would postpone my visit with Asa if I remained visibly upset, because it would be too disruptive to his routine. I didn’t want that. I got it. Shame laced through me at her words. I promised to get it together. She offered something to calm me. I refused, wanting nothing to alter me in front of Akchiro. He would instantly know.

Once she left. I came in here, locked the door and sat in the corner like I used to when I was a teen lonely and afraid in boarding school. Slowly and with great care I took the two pins and pressed them into the thickest part of my inner left thigh. Peace wrapped around me like a blanket. Relief wafted over me like God’s grace. Silent tears flowed. Not from pain this time but from the relief I felt.

By the time I had to see Akchiro again I had myself under control. Asa being there and being able to see and touch him, to bury my nose in his soft curls and inhale his sweet baby boy scent made the hell I must endure with his father worth it.

I ease the pins out watching the thin thread of blood spill and dissolve into the water. They barely bleed. The whole thing is like watching a pressure valve release. All the stress and tension from the intense conversation earlier today, the sex last night and this morning all melt away. My life is chaos. But this, I can control this. It’s the only thing I have in my power. I can’t see my son when I wish, I’m being kidnapped and held prisoner by my husband on a yacht somewhere in a location unknown, while heseeks to make me have another baby, I’m not sure I’m ready for. “You’re only the vessel,” I remind myself rolling the pins on the tub’s rim. He probably won’t let me have a relationship with the kids, just like he promised when he caught me. He’s nothing if not resolute.

I close my eyes willing myself to visualize my future filled with happiness and love, being careful not to demand, just accept the love and peace I want. I try my best to see myself happy again one day even in the midst of despair. I’m not aware how long I stay like this. The water has gone from too hot to lukewarm bordering on cool when I hear the knob turn.

“Ah, I’m still in—” The door swoops open. My husband stands fully dressed for dinner filling my bathroom door with a frown marring his savagely beautiful face. His eyes are glacial as they sweep over the bathroom coming to rest on me as I struggle to sit up in the bath. I cover the pins, edging them over until they fall in the water.

He makes a point at look at his Grand Seiko watch before his eyes flick to me in displeasure. “Dinner began fifteen minutes ago.”

I start, looking around. I hadn’t realized I lost so much time. “I-I’m sorry.”

“If this is your idea of defying me —”

“No.” I raise my hand cutting him off. “I’m not. The time just got away from me.” Dragging my eyes away from his hard stare, I get my soap and began lathering my loofa. “I’ll be just a few minutes.” I smooth my arms in hurried, circular strokes. I bite lip, my fingers trembling a little.

I remind myself he’s never hurt me. No matter his words he’s never struck me in anger. His anger is palpable. It’s strangling me.

I hear a swish. I look over my shoulder. He’s taking off his coat. My hands drop to my sides as I watch him lie the jacketacross the towel warmer. His eyes never leave me. I’m glad I’m sitting because I know I’d lose the power to stand under his glacial stare. It’s not hate. No. It’s totally emotionless. Nothing. There’s no light there. No passion. No hate. No concern. My heart hollows out. Scraped raw by a rusted spoon.

Meticulously he rolls up his sleeves. His shoes make sharp taps on the marble as he comes over kneeling before me, opening his hand for the net sponge. I give it to him turning away. There is a pause. Then gentle swipes and swirls along my back.

“Turn around, Hana.”

Why is he using that name? I don’t deserve it anymore. I dare not trust him calling me that. He wants me to long for him. He needn’t bother I already do. Facing him, I keep my gaze trained on his chest. A mistake I soon realize seeing the way his muscles flex as he bathes me. He is quick and efficient sweeping the sponge over my breasts and tummy then down beneath the water over my thighs and legs. I whisper a small prayer of thanks he doesn’t ask me to stand. I close my eyes when he releases the material using his fingers to clean the most intimate part of me.

Of their own volition my eyes open at the last moment and meet his. My breath catches at the emotion there. It’s so brief I almost think I’m imagining it. It may have been a millisecond but for a moment just as he moves his hand, he looks gutted. Our souls clash. It’s a moment. Just a moment. In that pin drop of time, I feel the slightest bit of hope. He looks away. Stands and turns away from me going to dry his arms.

“I thought you needed assistance since you seem unable to get it together enough to be on time anymore. All that scheming seems to have affected you,” he says as an explanation, pulling a warm towel from the rack and snaping it out, holding it up to me. I stand, wobbling a little. His hand shoots out grabbing me under my arm, holding me steady.

Stepping out, I shiver a little, taking the towel and wrapping it around myself. I do my best not to look at him.

“It won’t take me long to get ready.” I tell him but he blocks my path.

“Don’t bother. We were only going to end up here anyway. Just put your robe on.” His tone is low. All pretense of patience gone. If it was ever there. He not a man you keep waiting. He not a man you defy. The fact I’m still alive having done is a testament to his love our baby.

I wonder if he is going to watch me put on my lotion as well, after a tense moment where he seems to want to say more, want me to say more, he leaves.

As soon as the door clicks behind him, I rush over to the bathtub and fish out the pins adding them to the other four the Aussie chick gave me when I asked earlier. They’d been fitting me for another dress Akchiro wanted me to wear that needed alterations for dinner tonight. She didn’t ask what I needed them for, and I didn’t say.

I hide them in the toilet paper roll tucking them close to the cardboard cylinder.

Taking my hair down, I’m happy it falls into long waves over my shoulders and down my back reaching my bottom. He’s always loved my hair. He may be in command, but I have little ways to torture him too. I just have to remind myself he may have power over me, but I am not without my own weapons. It’s the little temptations that eventually bring you down.

I put a light pink gloss on my lips. I look fresh and pretty. Just what he loves best.

“You have power, Flower,” I whisper, giving my reflection a wink before I meet my husband for dinner.

The room is litby candlelight. A table has been set similar as it was the other night on deck. Dinner is our favorite, sushi. Kobe strips, caviar, squid, along sauces wraps, salad and rice. They are arrayed in the simplest fashion; little white dishes, a bowl for the rice and salad to share.

“Gomen nasai,” Apologizing again for my tardiness, folding my hands in my lap, I wait for his nod to begin serving him.

“It is fortunate you were on time earlier. Asa would have been heartbroken to have missed you.” It’s an admonishment and a threat. If I keep him waiting again, I forfeit seeing Asa.

“It was a mistake. I know how important your time is. I was soaking and forgot the time. It won’t happen again.” Beneath the table I dig my nails into the flesh of my knee trying to keep myself from breaking apart. Pleading will only make him angrier. He won’t tolerate excuses.

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