Page 17 of Love on the Run

By the time I’m done, the room is in shambles and she’s sitting there, her eyes wide with fear. Not even when I found out she kept the loss of our first baby from me did I react like this. I did, only not where she could see. I didn’t want to scare her. I never wanted to show her this side of my dragons. I wanted to protect her from my darkness. I thought if I kept her close, I could keep my obsession leashed. Now, by her own actions, she has freed them.

Even as I heave before her, having exorcised those demons or rather given them free rein, I feel a sense of freedom.

She looks at me in all my dark glory, like she knew it all along.

“Are you scared of me now?” I taunt her, taking my hair out of the knot that’s mostly come unraveled, allowing it to fall in a curtain around me.

Normally, this means we are about to make love. I see her eyes flash before she smothers the look.

With a slow shake of her head, she says clearly, “No. I knew this was in you the whole time. I know what you are capable of. That’s why—” She looks away, and more tears spill down her cheeks. She wipes them then looks at the glistening tips of her fingers before folding her arms and tucking them under her breasts like she can’t stand showing vulnerability to me now, like I will use it. Which is exactly what I intend to do. Use it and her soft heart for my own ends.

“Finish what you were saying, coward.” Her eyes flash with defiance at the cruel words I throw back at her.

“That’s why I got the IUD,” she says firmly, looking at me hard then almost crumbling before dragging her gaze away. “N-Not at first. I just didn’t want to get pregnant again right away. I just wanted us to be a family. Learn the ropes of motherhood. I was so scared. You remember how scared I was. How not having my mom here affected me…” she trails off looking at nothing then everything, her eyes snagging on all the destruction.

“Then,” she takes a deep breath. “You revealed more and more of yourself. The real you — not the one you pretended to be. I saw glimpses of the monster. For some reason, it didn’t bother me. Your coldness, the way you take pleasure in pain. You’re a sadist.” She nods, like she’s had this conversation with herself and maybe even her therapist and has come to terms with it. “So, I love a sadist, but I didn’t want to raise more of them. I know you want more kids, but I don’t feel I can counter your influence having babies back-to-back, so I wanted to wait. Then I saw what you did to Kana, who is little more than a child. I don’t want to see my kids doing that to people.”

“Don’t worry, you won’t,” I sneer down at her. I see hope spark in her eyes, like her words have made me see the light. Fuck no.

“You won’t ever see your kids doing that. While you were unconscious, I had your copper IUD removed.”

Her eyes round when I confirm her suspicions. I can’t stop the smile kicking up on one side. I like this.

“In a week, once you’ve stopped cramping and bleeding, I’m going to take my time punishing you, making you my willing little subslut. Then I’m going to fuck another baby into you. Once you are pregnant, you will be kept safe until you produce another heir. Rinse and repeat and repeat.” My smile grows watching her horror. She twists the covers, and twists and twist, rage, fear, pain and sorrow all play across her features.

“Then what happens?” Her voice is tight.

“What happens to people who cross me, Flower?” My words are hard, snapping like a whip.

She jumps, flinching. “They die.”

“Hai, they die,” I say in a low, awful voice I don’t recognize. This is what she has made me. “If you are a good little cumslut, I may let you live and let you suck my dick from time to time, but you will never see my kids again. Never have my face like you have done twice now.”

I walk over to her and plant a dry kiss on her overly warm forehead.

She’s too stunned to speak as I leave.

TEN

Flower (2 weeks later, at sea, location unknown—to me)

As the teamof women fuss over me, I hold as still as I can. Afraid that one movement, one breath will cause me to unravel.You did this. You did this. You did this.The words smash through my head nonstop. He said it, but I sing it like a litany throughout the day. I thought it before he ever found me.

For the last two weeks since he barged in here to yell and shake me senseless it plays in my head like a skipped track. It goes from as loud as a foghorn to the quieter more sinister whisper. It’s the first thing I hear when I wake and the lullaby before I go to sleep. Sometimes, I sing the lullabies I used to sing for Asa trying to drown it out, but I had to stop because they make me cry.

I wish I could see my baby. I miss him so much. I haven’t seen either of them for two weeks. Right after the procedure I fell ill with a high fever that wouldn’t abate, so I understand him keeping him away that first week, but I have been fever free for a five days now. Like the coward he called me I almost wished, almost — just a little bit really, that it would take me away.

Maybe then they could find someone who loved them better. Love them right. I’m a terrible mother, a horrible wife. I lost his interest. Lost his love and even his respect. I hurt Asa. He was crying for his daddy, and I lied. Lied to him that he would see him again when I had no intention of ever going back to Japan. I just needed to get away. To think of what to do next. I was so desperate to have room to breathe, only to find that I couldn’t breathe without Akchiro.

I should have known how far he would go. I did know after the last time he hunted me down in the US and had me fired from Creative Chaos, he would stop at nothing. He’d already shown me. Why did I think marriage softened him? He said I wasn’t his weakness any longer. He looked bored and pained as he admitted it to me. Not to mention every other month there is some member of the Japanese elite putting his wife to pasture to marry a thinner, smarter version. Sometimes cutting all connection with the kids. I honestly thought in the fever dream of my rushed plan I would leave, and he’d say good riddance just like he acted that like did that day.

I didn’t let his passion confused me. Sex has always been good between us. He takes pleasure in my submission, and I love his dominance, but I know better than to believe sex is a motivator for a man like him. His greatest pleasure is in ownership. I mistook his disinterest, his words, everything.

What do they say about doing the same thing and expecting a different result? Stupid or insane. I think I’m both in this instance.

Two weeks with only monosyllabic attendants and nurses coming in and out taking tests, cleaning, making sure I eat. The doctor told me if I refused to eat Akchiro told her to put me in a feeding tube. She whispered it trying to warn me in dulcet tones when I had no appetite. I could have told her he can hear everything so don’t bother. They’re managing my nutrition, so Ican be the perfect vessel for his spawn. Not babies wanted by us both— no. Only a means to continue his twisted legacy and to punish me.

I hate him so much right now. I can’t believe I loved him at all. He knows what he is —a monster. He knows I was trying to protect Asa. He tries to control for all these threats to us when he is the biggest one. The worse one. I thought he was my first, my last, my everything, but now, he is only my nightmare.

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