Page 73 of Happy Trails & Honey Pots

I held my breath, sure that he was going to get a lecture on pride and vanity.

“I’m sure you did.”

“Oh, and I have a girlfriend.”

I froze, waiting to hear my mother spew her wrath that AJ was too young to be in a relationship and that I was a horrible mother. That AJ was going to end up just like me, a sinner condemned to hell.

But all she said was, “And who is the lucky girl?”

“Kendall. She was in the movie with me.”

“Oh, how nice. That’s lovely, dear.”

I did a double take, wondering if aliens had come to Earth and inhabited my mother’s body. Surely, this was not the woman who raised me. First, she’d let him get away with saying that he’d done a good job. Nothing. He’d admitted to having a girlfriend. No response. And was I hearing things, or had she just called my son ‘dear’? Had she said that something was ‘nice’?

Her placid stare left my son, and when it crossed the table to me, it turned icy. I braced myself. Here it came.

“What about you, Zoe? When is someone going to make an honest woman out of you?”

I looked down at my food and inhaled slowly through my nose, doing my level best to ignore her offensive remark. She could say whatever she wanted to me. I was here for AJ. This was not about me.

“Zoe, I asked you a question.” Out of the corner of my eye, I watched with bated breath as she set her fork down, removed her napkin from her lap, tapped the corners of her mouth, replaced her napkin, and straightened her shoulders. “You have dragged this whole charade out long enough.”

In an attempt to keep this conversation non-confrontational, I continued to stare down at my plate. “Dragged what charade out, exactly?”

“Don’t take a tone with me, young lady. I’m merely saying to your face what everyone in your life is thinking. You have played your widow card. We all get it. Your husband died. Everyone felt sorry for poor Zoe. Don’t you think it’s time to get over it and move on? You have a son to raise. Don’t you think you owe it to him to raise him in a proper family?”

I lifted my gaze back to her. Back to the woman who had given birth to me. The woman who was supposed to support me and love me unconditionally but who had thrown me out of her home when I was sixteen after she found out I was pregnant. The woman who didn’t even come to my husband’s funeral or check on me to make sure I was okay when I became a single mom and widow at eighteen. The woman who didn’t even acknowledge my son until he was five years old.

My entire body vibrated with anger. “AJ, go wait for me in the car.”

AJ’s eyes bounced between my mother’s and mine.

“AJ, go get my keys and wait in the car,” I stated slowly and calmly. “Now.”

He rose from his seat and went back to the room. A few seconds later, he walked past the dining room with my car keys and out the front door. I waited a few moments to make sure he was out of earshot.

“Zoe, donotbe dramatic.” My mother sighed. “All I’m saying is?—”

“No, you asked me a question, and I am going to answer it.”

“Zoe, I just meant?—”

“MaryBeth, be quiet,” my father snapped. “Your daughter is speaking.”

I’d have to check for a bruise on my jaw tomorrow from how hard it hit the floor. My father hadneverstood up for me. In our house, what my mother said was law. He’d never once taken my side. At some point, I would thank him for finally having myback, but right now, I had some things to say to my mother, and she was going to hear them.

I set my knife and fork down on the table, took a deep breath, and turned to look my mother straight in the eye. “You asked me when I’m going to get overit. I’m assuming you mean Austin. That’s a question only someone who has never lost someone they love would ask because the answer is never. I willneverget over him. Do you want to know why?

“The reason I’ll never get over him is because I didn’t just lose him ten years ago. I lose him every day. I lose him every morning when I wake up, and for just a second, justone second,I forget he’s gone, but then I remember, and all the pain that I felt the moment I learned he was gone and I would never see him again comes flooding back into my body.

“I lose him every birthday I can’t celebrate with him. Every holiday he’s not here with us. Every Friday night I’m curled up on the couch watching TV, and he’s not beside me. I lose him every time a show that we used to watch together comes out with a new season, and he’s not here to watch it with me. I lose him on bad days when I justreallyneed a hug, and his arms aren’t there to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay, even if he has no idea how it will be. I lose him when good things happen, and I want to celebrate, and his arms aren’t there to pick me up, spin me around, kiss me, and tell me that he’s proud of me and that he loves me.

“I lose him every time AJ has a milestone. They don’t even have to be big things. Losing a tooth. Getting an A on a test or liking a girl for the first time. I lose him every time I have to make any decision forourson without him. What tutor AJ should have. When AJ gets in trouble, if I should ground him or take his phone away. If I should increase his allowance or let him stay up half an hour later.

“I lose him a thousand different ways, and I will keep losing him as long as I am on this earth and he’s not. So, to answer your question, I willneverget over Austin. But thank you forall the supportyou’ve given me over the years. Oh no, wait. That wasn’t you. That was Austin’s grandfather, Walter. Walter supported me. He supported AJ. Not you. So,youdo not get to have an opinion on when I will get over Austin becauseyounever even knew him.

“And as far as giving my son a proper family, he has one. He has a home with me and with Walter. Walter has loved me and welcomed me into his heart and home. He never judged me. He never made me feel like a burden or less than for anything I have ever done. He has only ever made me feel loved, cared for, and protected. And he loves AJ. He loves him like he’s his own. He’s been to his baseball games, recitals, and back-to-school-nights. He taught AJ how to fish and how to ride a bike. When AJ had to be rushed to the hospital with strep throat, Walter was there. When Austin was deployed, and I was still in high school and had finals and couldn’t get AJ to sleep, it was Walter who made me go to bed and stayed up walking with AJ all night when he was colicky. Walter. Not you. Not my mother. Walter is my family, notyou.

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