Page 7 of Happy Trails & Honey Pots

When I reached the locker room, I opened the door and saw a group of nurses huddled in front of the flat screen on the wall. I walked straight past them and sat down on the bench in front of my locker. I tried to steady my breathing and erase the conversation with Elias from my head. It would be a lot easier if my brain had a delete button, or if it was an Etch-A-Sketch, and I could just shake it.

In through my nose, out through my mouth. No one had been through what I had been through. If they had, they might not be so quick to judge me.

When Austin died, I had just graduated high school. I had a two-year-old son. I was just about to start college. I had a lot on my plate. No, I didn’t talk to anyone. I just took care of AJ and got through school. Then, after I got my bachelor’s degree in nursing, I continued going to school to get my master’s. Wasn’t that enough? What did people want from me?

I took my foot out of my clog and rubbed the arch. Pain shot up through my calf. This was my fifth twelve-hour shift this week. I wasn’t complaining. I had a lot of student loans to pay off. Sixty-hour work weeks were only possible because Walter was home with AJ. When I needed reinforcements, Austin’s bestfriends, Harlan and Dawson, had always been there to answer the babysitting bat signal. It truly did take a village.

“He is so hot!” Anika’s high-pitched squeal went right through me.

My head was still throbbing from last night’s extracurricular activities. I was getting way too old for girls’ nights when I had to work the following day. Next time, even if Nadia did camp out on my porch, I was going to have to be strong. Or at the very least, only have one shot.

“Oh my gosh! Zoe! Are they talking about your Austin?!” Anika shouted.

My stomach dropped as I stood and walked to the television.

On the screen, I saw Miles Ford being interviewed on a red carpet.

“All I can say is that the story of Austin James is one that is in development, and yes, I am attached to it.”

Anika, Talia, and Kyra all looked at me with expectant faces.

“Aren’t you so excited?!” Kyra asked.

“Miles Ford is going to play Austin!” Anika exclaimed. “Do you think you’ll get to meet him?”

“I have had a crush on Miles Ford since I was ten years old, and he did that fast food commercial.” Talia clasped her hands to her chest.

“Oh, the one where he goes down the slide and gives the girl the cheeseburger!” Kyra clapped.

“The cheeseburger!” they all chorused in unison.

I slowly backed away as they continued gushing about Miles Ford. Truth be told, I wasn’t that close to anyone at work. It’s not that I didn’t get along with my co-workers; I just didn’t like to talk about my personal life. They probably felt close to me because I knew all about their lives. I knew that Anika’s husband had cheated on her twice, and she’d taken him back both times. I knew that Kyra’s mom was struggling with substance abuse, andshe was facing a prison sentence for a DUI. I knew that Talia was going to leave her husband as soon as she saved enough money to get her own apartment and that she’d been sleeping with Jonah, the X-ray tech, for the past six months.

All my life, people had always felt like they could talk to me and tell me personal things. Maybe it was because they knew, instinctively, that I was a steel trap and would never betray their trust. But it was a one-way street. I did not share my own thoughts, feelings, and struggles with people. Even Nadia, who I considered my closest friend, hadn’t asked me why I didn’t want the movie made, probably because she knew I didn’t talk about my feelings.

Which was probably why what Elias had said hit so close to home. Maybe I should talk to someone about my feelings. Maybe one day I will. But today was not that day.

4

MILES

“It’s beenmy honor to be here tonight to join with you all in celebrating this year’s winners and nominees! It was an evening of appreciation and recognition for all of your outstanding work and achievements! Thank you to all of our attendees and thank you to everyone watching at home! You all are the reason we do what we do! Have a beautiful night!”

Music swelled as the orchestra played the show out and the audience applauded. I stood on my mark, looking down the barrel of the camera, until I got the all-clear signal. Then I left stage right and felt…nothing.

I used to get a rush of adrenaline or feel relieved after finishing jobs like this. Now, I felt numb. Just like I had before the show. I didn’t get nervous anymore. I hadn’t for years. In fact, I couldn’t remember the last time I felt nervous. Or scared. Or happy, for that matter. I just worked.

My life was a series of going where I was supposed to go, when I was supposed to go there, standing where I was supposed to stand, and saying what I was supposed to say. It didn’t leave a lot of room for anything else, which was my own fault. I knewthat. I was twenty-six years old. There was no one to blame for that but me.

I didn’t feel sorry for myself. It was the opposite. I was disgusted with myself. I had the world at my disposal, and I wasn’t happy. There was something seriously wrong with that.

“Great job!” Caroline, the producer of the ceremony, clapped as I walked past her.

“Thank you.” I smiled.

“Amazing!” one of the PAs patted my arm.

“Thanks.” I smiled.

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