Page 24 of Happy Trails & Honey Pots

11

ZOE

My eyes burnedas I struggled to keep my heavy lids open. It was only six p.m., but I’d barely slept the past few nights since I found out that I held full responsibility for whether or notFallen Herowas going to be made.

The sun was setting, and the sky danced with oranges and purples as I drove over the causeway to Firefly Island. As much as I loved my job, the forty-five-minute commute back and forth to the mainland wasn’t my favorite. Typically, I used the time to catch up on podcasts, but when I had something weighing on my mind, I couldn’t concentrate on people talking, which made the time drag on.

When I finally made it onto the island and reached the fork in the road, I had two choices: if I turned right, I would be headed home; if I turned left, I could go and sit at mine and Austin’s spot. Without making a conscious decision, my hands turned the steering wheel to the left.

After about five minutes, I pulled the car over to a small turnout and got out. The path up to the hill that overlooked the ocean was narrow, windy, and steep through a patch of thick trees. Thankfully, the moon was bright tonight, so it helpedguide my way, although I knew it like the back of my hand. When I got to the top and came to the clearance that overlooked the water, I sighed, and my entire body relaxed. This was the place I felt closest to Austin.

There was a large boulder that was surrounded by other rocks that Austin and I always used to come and sit on together. It was our spot. My hand automatically reached for his dog tags, which I always wore around my neck. I pulled them out from beneath my scrubs. I held them in the palm of my hands as I wrapped my fingers tightly around them.

“What do you think?” I asked, closing my eyes and wishing more than anything that he was sitting beside me. I wished he could pull me into his arms, make me laugh, and tell me to stop overthinking everything. I wished he could kiss me and make me forget every problem that I’d ever had.

That didn’t happen even when he was here;my voice of reason piped up. I knew I had a tendency to romanticize our relationship. It wasn’t perfect. He wasn’t perfect. He promised me he’d come back, that he’d never leave me, and he did.

“Tell me what the answer is,” I said aloud.

He didn’t answer me. How could he? He was gone.

Half an hour later, when I stood to leave, I didn’t feel like I was any closer to an answer. I wished that Walter would give me his opinion. He had a say in this. He’d raised Austin. But every time I asked, he just deflected the decision onto me, saying it wasn’t his place. He presented himself to me as Switzerland, not taking a side in the decision.

At the dinner with Miles, I really felt like he wanted the movie to be made. He was so animated speaking about Austin, but when I asked him about it afterward, he said he didn’t have an opinion one way or the other.

I knew AJ’s take on the matter. He clearly wanted the film to be made. Before Miles came to the door, he’d been thanking Godin his prayer for the movie. But he was eleven. He didn’t know the full scope of what the consequences of that would mean.

On the short drive home, my heart felt heavy. As much as I appreciated Miles leaving the decision in my hands, it was also a significant burden to bear. It didn’t just affect me. It affected AJ and Walter. They needed to have just as much a say in it as I did.

That was the answer. I guess sitting in our spot had given me clarity after all. I knew my vote was no. AJ was definitely yes. Walterwasthe deciding vote whether he liked it or not.

When I got home, I found Walter asleep in his La-Z-Boy with the television blaring, and Daisy was curled up at his feet. She greeted me with a wagging tail and wiggly butt as I turned down the volume of the TV. I kissed her on the top of the head, and she followed me as I headed upstairs. When we got to AJ’s door, I could hear the sounds of zombies being killed and knew that he was playing video games.

I knocked several times. When I didn’t get an answer, Daisy scratched at the door, and I opened it. AJ was wearing his headset, so I flipped on his light. It took him a second, but he finally looked over at me.

When he did, I asked, “Have you had dinner?”

He shook his head as he turned his attention back to the screen.

“Spaghetti or tacos?”

His response was a shrug of his left shoulder.

I sighed and glanced down at Daisy.

“Spaghetti or tacos.”

“Ruff,” she responded.

“Spaghetti it is.”

I left the door open and headed back downstairs. Daisy trailed behind me. After preheating the oven for the garlic bread, I filled a pot halfway with water and set it on the stove to boil.Once it had, I added the noodles. I sauteed ground beef, then added onions and peppers.

As I stirred in the sauce, my mind drifted to the same place it did every time I was in this kitchen now. I pictured Miles being here. Him standing at the sink. Him gently cradling my jaw as he wiped his thumb across my lip. Him thanking me for sharing my family. Not just the kitchen, but the dining room, too. And the front door. He’d imprinted himself in my brain on these spaces. I wondered how long it would take for me to stop thinking of him every time I was in one of them.

Once I drained the noodles and pulled the garlic bread out of the oven, I called up to AJ that dinner was ready. One would think that my yelling two feet away from Walter would stir him from his sleep, but that was not the case. He joked that a nuclear bomb could go off right next to him, and he’d sleep through it.

When AJ was six, the fire alarm went off. It turned out to be a false alarm because we needed to replace the batteries, but I’d had to wake Walter up to get him out of the house. He hadn’t even stirred in his bed.

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