Page 76 of Lux

Despite the fact that Colleen does not speak, she listens intently. It comforts her in some small way to hear his voice. Like ateacher would for a student, he gives her the strength to keep going. The scene feels too intimate to watch.

A parent might encourage a child in this way. I wouldn’t know. I will never know.

I turn and move blindly in search of fresh air. Silence is what I need. I can’t think. Not until I’m standing out on a patch of concrete, surrounded by brick and creeping, crawling weeds. I suck in a breath. Release it slowly.

I can barely hear the footsteps behind me, as silent as the wind.

“Come,” he says, my Caspian. “I want… I want to show you something.”

My stomach churns. When I turn to face him, I can’t see his expression. Those red eyes blaze through the shadows but seem more unreadable than the sky up above.

For the first time since coming here, I am wary of him. My heart aches. If he pushes away, I don’t know what may happen. I just might break.

“Please.”

The sound of his voice entices me toward him without me having made a conscious decision to move. He leads me back inside, past the chaos on the downstairs floor. Up. Up. Up. Past the second floor and onto a third. Here there is just a small landing and a rusted door leading out.

Into the open air where the sky looms above and the ground lurks down below.

“It isn’t flying,” he murmurs against my ear. “But close enough. For now.”

Nodding in agreement, I am stunned to see the city spread before me, a barrage of lights and sounds. It isn’t flying, yet…

As long as he's behind me, it might as well be. Despite having been in this realm a few days, he points out things I hadn't even noticed. A blinking, moving star in the sky—a plane. Drifting spotlights. A photo like the one I saw of Minchae but depicting a crowd of people in beautiful clothing. A billboard, he says.

It's the quiet peace that creeps back in between us that I most appreciate. Something happened before. Something that drove and drifted us apart.

Someday it will need to be addressed.

For now, I can breathe, think, and try to remember what it is like to feel this fragile, fleeting peace. Only with him can I ever achieve it.

I’d be a fool to let it go without a fight. Without demanding that he face me. Unlike Day, his anger and moods shouldn’t cow me. I shouldn’t be afraid to ask him…

“Why?” I say, my voice rasping. “What happened?”

“You called me a monster,” he replies, but there is more to it than that. He hesitates. Takes his time to turn and twist his words over in his mind. Then he sighs. “I am a monster. I need to be a monster. To survive him, I had to become one.”

In a way, I understand him. At the same time, I don’t.

“I never wanted you to change,” I insist. “Never. Not once. But I need to be… I can’t be like you. A monster is whattheywant me to be—” The Lord Master, Altaris, everyone. “I refuse to do so. I will not be what they tell me I am.”

I simply want to be Niamh. Someone else, apart from the frightened, sheltered being I was in the Citadel.

“I like you as Niamh,” Caspian admits. “But people will use your kindness against you. Exploit it. Wield it as a weapon.”

Like Minchae wanted to.

Like Day did.

Like Cyrus.

Certainly, he has a point.

“I still want to find my own weapon,” I tell him, reaching back.

His hand instantly finds mine. Our fingers interlock. As time passes, that delicate peace grows stronger. I enjoy basking in his protection, but this feels better. Speaking on equal terms. Telling him my fears and hearing him answer back. Yet another, new form of intimacy.

Which feels more intrusive to me?

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