Page 60 of Lux

He will never admit it out loud, no, never.

But I kiss him once. Twice. Thrice.

He rumbles in pleasure.

“You'll go back when you want to,” I tell him.

It is clear that he is seething and spinning in his mind, even though he says nothing. His troubles are far greater than Cassius. Mostly to do with me. Something terrible happened at the circus that will need to be dealt with. By all appearances, I did a very, very bad thing.

By all appearances, I am just as cruel a monster as he is.

But Cyrus deserved it. He deserved to die and be poked apart. He deserved to be attacked by his own jackdaws. But did he deserve what came after?

Violence I don’t remember inflicting. As soon as he stood over me, everything around me went black.

I shift away from Caspian. Suddenly I need distance from him. I need to feel the cold air, and smell the remnants of food, and dank musk and remember what it’s like to feel shame.

I did a bad, bad thing. I don’t deserve to bask in peace and happiness. I don’t deserve him.

“Your back.” Caspian has drawn our blanket aside, exposing us to the rest of this open space. Our space. His eyes are on my spine. On that mass of scars and damage.

Yet, in his mind, I can tell that something new spans this part of me. Something that itches and scratches. Something I don’t want to remember. Not yet.

“I don’t know,” I say, shifting away from him. I hug myself tight and blink, fighting back any hint of tears. No more tears. “I don’t know. I don’t care.”

He is silent. I feel his mind pull away from my own, but not out of disgust. He’s hiding his recollections. Hiding how he stares at me, his gaze tracing a path down my spine. Suppressing his urge to reach out and touch. To notice what he didn’t before.

Like the deliberate damage beneath the scars.

“I… I had wings,” I say. With bitterness and so much anguish, my voice breaks. Then I’m shouting. “I had wings! I did. I did and they took them from me. They lied to me. I had wings. I did!”

He is silent. But in the fragile seconds that pass, his body comes to envelop mine. His mind becomes a possessive, reassuring pressure that shuts the doubts, fears, and pain out. I feel so much pain all the time, but around him, it is banished. He holds me tight, and I find peace in him again.

It isn’t fair.

It isn’t right.

If he leaves me again…how will I survive the loss of this?

“I will not leave you,” he growls into my hair. “I won’t.”

But he doesn’t promise. He knows that he may not be able to keep a promise.

Still, it is enough. I relent to his contact and let him hold me tight. For hours we must stay like this.

It’s nearly dark out when someone bangs on the door.

Caspian is up first. He already took the time to dress us both in the clothing Daven Wick supplied: him in a black shirt, brown leather jacket with a hood and dark parts. For me, he chose an orange dress with short sleeves and large round brown buttons going down the front. He likes dresses on me. He likes the way they swish around my legs as I move. Almost like wings.

For now he warns me back as he approaches the door alone. He wrenches it open. Three men stand behind it. One of them is tall, with dark skin and piercing brown eyes that seek me out.

“Niamh the fae,” he intones in a deep, booming voice. “You are hereby under arrest for the ritualistic murder of Cyrus Triarc. You have the right to remain silent. Everything you say can and will be held against you in the court of law. You have the right to an attorney?—”

“Right, right,” a figure beside him sniffs. “That is all very well and good. You said your little spiel. Let’s get on with it. Not to worry, my darlings,” he says, his gaze on Caspian. “We will escort dear Niamh to the station where the boneys will book herin as they are wont to do. Then she will be released on her own recognizance under my guardianship. All is well that ends well. Now come along.”

Caspian stiffens, his eyes flashing from the tall man to Altaris and back again. Slowly, he nods. Then he extends his hand out to me.

I take it, and step forward, following him out into the descending night.

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