Page 9 of Surviving the Darkness

Jolting upright, I slide over Knox, who has a confused look on his face, Aidan stirring due to my sudden movements.

“What the fuck, Nix?” Knox asks in a confused voice.

“Meadow. We haven’t checked on her. I’m such a fucking asshole. I put my needs above checking on her. God, I’m so damn selfish,” I say as I walk out of the room. My erection disappears the moment I think of Meadow hurting in the other room. I can’t believe how selfish we were last night. While Meadow is dealing with her trauma, I was too busy sucking cock and getting my dick sucked by the men she is in love with. Knox curses, realizing our mistake, while Aidan still sleeps. He has yet to wake up even with my frantic movements, but I guess I can't blame him. The man never sleeps, so when he does, he's out for a while.

I was so happy wrapped up in their arms last night that I completely forgot about Meadow. Probably because I was too busy fucking Aidan's ass to care about anything outside the bedroom. As I wallow in self–loathing, I make my way to Meadow’s door. I push it slightly open to see if she is awake, and when a small light comes from the bathroom, I peek my head in further. The comforter is on the ground and the bed doesn’t look slept in.

Worry hits me hard when I don’t immediately see her in my search of the room. Opening the door further, I slowly tiptoe inside. If she’s sleeping somewhere in here, I don’t want to scare her. I stick my head in the bathroom and notice it’s empty. As I make my way to the comforter on the ground, I realize she’s wrapped up the blanket.

Meadow is sleeping on the ground. Why the fuck is my princess sleeping on the fucking ground? Not wanting to startle her, I quietly moved toward her frail sleeping form and wrap my arms around her body. Lifting her as gently and smoothly as possible, so I don’t disturb her, then settle her on the bed.

As soon as Meadow hits the mattress, she lets out a blood-curdling scream.

“Baby, it’s me Phoenix, you’re alright. It’s just me,” I say, trying to soothe her. Instinctively, I pet her head, trying to calm her, but that only seems to make it worse. She cries and lashes out at my touch, like I burned her. She’s mumbling words that I can barely hear as she sobs, but one thing I definitely heard her say is ‘please don’t’.

“Meadow. Open your pretty eyes for me, I won’t hurt you. Please look at me,” I beg. My heart breaks at her words, and her body is cold and shaking. Tears start leaking out of my eyes at the sight of Meadow next to me. I wasn’t thinking logically when I moved her. I just wanted to make her comfortable. I completely forgot she doesn’t want my touch, and I think I just made everything a hell of a lot worse.

Frustrated with my stupid fucking self, I just sit on the bed with my hands in my lap, trying to think of something that I can do to prove to her that I won’t hurt her. She hasn’t opened her eyes, not during this entire thing. I’m not entirely sure she hears me when I talk. She just rocks back and forth, trying to roll into a small ball to protect herself from any harm.

Protect herself from me.

I stand and back away from her, knowing I’m not what she needs right now. I’m just stressing Meadow out by being here. Maybe once she stops crying and is more awake, then I can talk to her about everything. As I back away from my girl, I look at her one last time. I know when I’m not wanted; I know the feeling all too well from when she left us four years ago, only now she's within reach, and I can’t have her. She’s under our roof but miles away. Hell, maybe planets away, and it’s all our fault.

If we had taken the threat of her stalker more seriously and had been more prepared, then she might not have been taken, beaten, raped, and scarred beyond repair. She wouldn’t havesomeone else's initials carved into her skin and the word ‘mine’ on the back. If we were stronger, none of this would have happened. She wouldn’t be screaming out in fear at my touch or sleeping on the ground.

I need to be stronger. I’ll take care of her this time. I don’t care if I have to cut out my own heart and give it to her on a silver platter for betraying her trust. I’ll gladly hand her a blade and let her stab me if it would allow her to heal. I made a promise that nothing would happen to her, and I failed to keep that promise. I’ll have to wait and see what my punishment is because I can’t handle the way she looks at me now. If she wants to kill me, she better do it soon. I can’t live in a world where she doesn’t want me, where she is afraid of me. And if she doesn’t kill me, then I will do it myself.

Chapter 9

Meadow

Iwake suddenly when I feel my body being placed on a soft surface.

Memories flood my brain, and I can’t make them stop. My captor bringing me upstairs to his room and laying me on his mattress. “Be a good little whore and spread those legs for me,” he sneers. I listen to him because I can’t take another beating right now. I’ve been here for about a month now, I think. Each day the abuse gets worse, and every time I try to fight back, he finds a way to punish me. “That’s a good little bitch. You’re a fucking whore. No wonder the guys haven’t come for you yet.They don’t want this used pussy,” he says as he enters my aching cunt.

Yesterday he fucked me with the handle of his pistol, and I think he tore me in the process, but he doesn’t care. Not even when I cry out in pain at being entered so forcefully. Tears leak from my eyes, though, I try not to let them fall. I don’t want him to see me so weak, but it fucking hurts.

My entire body burns as if on fire as he pounds into me. But it’s too late. My kidnapper sees my tears and takes that as an invitation to push harder. He calls over one of his buddies who is watching us with interest in his eyes. The beefy motherfucker—I keep calling Mike Jr.—walks over with his dick in his hand, waiting for his boss to tell him what to do. “The fucking whore is crying in pain, but I bet we can make her scream even louder,” D says from his position on top of me with a big grin. In the next moment, I’m pushed off to the side, so the one fucking me can lie down, and then I’m lowered on his dick once again, but as he impales me from below, Tyson Jr. thrusts into my ass without warning—or lube—causing me to scream and blackout from the blinding pain.

I scream in agony as memories flood my system, memories I don’t want to be forced to relive. That instance with my captors was up in my top three worst days as their prisoner. Only two were worse than that dreadful night: the night my captor stabbed me and the night he finally broke me, both mentally and physically.

My throat is sore and raw from screaming, and I hear someone trying to soothe me and tell me it’s all right, that they won’t hurt me, along with other things I can’t make out in my panicked state. Someone touches my head, and I jump away as quickly as possible. The touch feels like it burns my skin, the memories colliding with the present. I can’t tell what’s happening right now. Whoever is here just needs to leave me alone.

I’m not in the basement. I’m not in the basement. The boys rescued me. I repeat that mantra over and over. Somewhere in the room, I hear some muffled talking, but I refuse to listen; I can’t listen as my ears start ringing and my voice scratches. It feels like I’ve been screaming at my demons to leave me alone, but I know that’s a lie. They never do. They are always there, always by my side, and in my mind. I’ll never be free from the demons that haunt me.

I feel the bed shift and realize that whoever is here will finally leave me alone. Good. I don’t want them here. I faintly hear the door click shut, and I rock back and forth, trying to rid myself of the memories that haunt my dreams. I try to calm my heart by taking deep breaths and exhaling slowly. I need to find a way to ground myself, but all I see when I close my eyes is the look Damon gave his accomplice before I passed out from the pain.

Damon is, or I guess was, my captor’s name. I’m pretty sure Knox shot him, but I can’t remember clearly. The day they rescued me is very hazy. I remember Damon inside of me, then a loud noise. I cowered in the corner when the demon-sounding door was slammed open. Bullets were flying, and I was screaming, but then, I felt a prick on my neck and the voices went quiet. Whatever they gave me put me to sleep for a while. I’d already lost track of time while being held in the basement, and I lost even more when they sedated me.

I try to avoid thinking of my captor as an actual person because I don’t want to humanize him. I was happier before I knew his name. He could be the villain with no name, but the moment he gave me his name, I was positive they would never let me leave. I guess he hit the nail on the head with that assumption because even though I’m out of his grasp, Damon will always be in my mind.

In the back of my mind, he will always be yelling that I’m no good, I’m a whore, and many other vulgar things. But he wasright. I am those things because he made me that way. Trying to shake Damon out of my head for the moment, I uncurl myself and try to sit up, but a wave of dizziness hits me. Taking a moment to calm myself, I huff out a breath and try to sit up again, sighing heavily when I’m able to without passing out.

Heading to the restroom, I quickly do my business and realize I need a shower. I smell like sweat, fear, and blood, and the combination is awful. No wonder Damon always called me a disgusting whore. I quickly strip out of the clothes I have on—not sure whose they are—but they’re garbage now.

Turning the water as hot as I can withstand, I wait for it to heat and step under the spray, scalding my pale skin. Maybe the water will burn enough for me to forget Damon’s touch. I won’t be so lucky though. Feeling the heat on my skin loosens my muscles and frees my mind for the moment. I don’t hear voices right now, and it’s the first time in months that I’ve felt any sort of peace.

I mindlessly wash my hair and body, trying to reach that feeling of cleanliness, but every time my hand roams over a scar on my body, I feel dirty. Rinsing off and realizing the water is cooling, I turn it off and grab a towel hanging next to the shower.

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