Page 33 of Rancher's Return

“Do any of them want to learn?” Jim asked.

“You know, they might.” It hurt to speak.

“Because I miss...” Jim cleared his throat. “I miss that. Throwing the ball around.”

“Well, I’m no good at it,” Buck said. “So if you want to...”

“Yes,” Nancy said. “That would be wonderful. Take this glove and tell them they can use it.”

She handed it to him, a precious, sacred object. And when he touched it, his throat went tight. “Thank you. I will take very good care of this. So will the boys.”

“Well, they don’t have to be too careful with it. They’re kids. And a baseball glove is meant to be played with.”

He saw that with clarity all of a sudden.

That they were kids. No matter that they were teenagers. They were so, so young.

He’d been young at eighteen too.

“Thank you.”

When they walked back out of the house, he didn’t know what to say. It was as if a weight had been lifted off him. One he had been clinging to for a long, damned time.

Marigold didn’t speak at all, and when they got into the truck, he noticed there were tears sliding down her cheeks.

He looked over at her. “I didn’t expect that,” he said.

“Neither did I,” she said. The tears fell fast. He had to fight the urge to reach out and wipe them off her face, because he shouldn’t be that familiar with her.

“You thought they were angry with me.”

She nodded. “Because I was. Because so many people in the town were. But... She’s right. You were a good part of Jason’s life. And you haven’t gotten to see yourself that way, and that’s not fair. He was more than one tragic accident, one bad choice. And if he’s more than that, then why can’t you be?”

He felt something calcified inside of him crack, fall away.

“You’re a good dad to those boys. I could see that last night when we had dinner. I could see how much they love you. You know, my brother had a great family. A wonderful life. Too short, but wonderful. I don’t let myself feel happy for that often enough. When you told me about poor Reggie... He’s a kid who hasn’t known enough happiness. I’m glad he’s knowing it now.”

“Yeah,” he said. “I have to tell you, I didn’t expect this when I came back here.”

“Did you want people to condemn you?”

“A little. My brother punched me in the face. I thought that might set the tone.”

“He did?”

“Yeah. It’s... It’s getting better. He carried a lot of very specific resentment about being left to be the oldest. To carry all the responsibility.”

“Well, we all fall victim to that, don’t we? Making other people the bad guys in our story.” She laughed. “Sometimes I wonder if Lily’s father was never as much of a villain to me because I already had one.”

“How can that guy not be a villain?”

“I think because he didn’t matter. Anyway, my parents are... They’re wonderful. And they’re great grandparents. My dad has been a fantastic father figure to her. She didn’t need the loser that I had sex with one time. And I didn’t need to be tied to him for the rest of my life. I’m grateful, in some ways, that he and I had a clean cut. Yes, some things were harder. But being with someone you don’t care about, that’s not going to make it easier.”

“I don’t know. The more I sit with that the more I just think maybe your family has a supernatural capacity to bend around a person’s limitations and create as kind a story as possible.”

She smiled. “That is an interesting way to put it. I appreciate it. And now there are no secrets. I have to remember that I shouldn’t try to protect them. We didn’t talk about you all this time because I was trying to protect them and they were trying to protect me. I think it would’ve been better if we had just been honest.” She let out a long breath. “Holding on to anger is exhausting. It’s a relief to let it go.”

He wasn’t so sure about letting go of guilt. Because it had been such a key, driving force for him.

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