Page 85 of Rancher's Return

They finished putting the food away, and Lily wandered into the living room and looked up at the tree. It was beautiful. “Every year at Christmas I would get an orange in my stocking, and some chocolate. Like Laura Ingalls. Well, the chocolate was just because my grandpa wanted me to have it. Usually, I would get a present that my grandma made me and a small thing from my mom. It was just us. And it was happy. It was so different to suddenly be part of the Carson family. And to suddenly have you all in my family.”

“Yeah. I can relate to that. We never really had Christmas. I mean, I never did. Not until I went to Hope Ranch. They did big Christmases there. They cooked us gigantic feasts, and we got presents sent to us from well-meaning people in the community. A lot of winter coats and gloves and things. But, damn, the nicest stuff I ever had. Before that, everything I owned I just kept in a black trash bag. I had a pair of shoes that were too small for about three years. There, I got some that fit. That was kind of a big deal. And once we became Carsons, it was like... I could have anything I wanted. My grandparents bought me a truck. I used to hate rich people. I still kind of do. But I guess I am one. I don’t really know what to do with that.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever hated anybody for being rich. But I don’t really think I knew that I was poor.”

“That’s because you were middle class,” he said. “And you all don’t talk about money that way. Your parents try to protect you from it. When you don’t have food, nobody can protect you from that. When you’re poor as shit, then you talk about it. I always knew. And then, when I got taken away from my mom, I was a foster kid. Bouncing around schools, and it was actually kind of a good thing, because at least it took a little while for people to find out that I had a foster family. It was so...embarrassing. Because then everybody knows that there’s something wrong with your mom. And that kind of...made me sad. Because...”

He got a faraway look on his face. “I thought my mom was pretty. She got really skinny. Then sometimes she had wounds on her face. But... When she was fixed up, I thought she was just the prettiest lady. I liked her jewelry. She wore a lot of bracelets with charms. Stars and moons. She had long blond hair. I still think people who smoke smell kind of comforting. Because that was how my mom’s sweatshirts always smelled. I really loved her, Lily. And I didn’t want anybody else to think little of her. Because I didn’t. I wanted to protect her, but I didn’t even know where she was.”

That was a terrible grief. She had an absentee father who didn’t want to be in her life. It was clear to her that Colton’s mother must have loved him. She was just trapped. Caught in the throes of an addiction she couldn’t shake, in a cycle she couldn’t break. Because she couldn’t grasp a hand and get out the way that Colton had done.

Right then, Lily felt a profound amount of sadness for that woman. Because he was a wonderful man, and his mother didn’t know it. Because someone else had brought her son into their family. After he had all but raised himself. Nobody dreams of that. It was a terrible thing to know that a woman who had, at one time, been a little girl with hopes and dreams for her life had grown into that reality.

“I bet she was pretty,” Lily said. “And I bet she loved you a lot. Because she tried so many times.”

He paused. “Thank you. For saying that.”

“I mean it.”

“A lot of people get mad when they hear about her. Buck did. And that’s great. I mean, I get it. But I’m not mad at her. I’m just sad.”

“I think that’s really nice. But it makes me even sadder for her. To know she has a son who loves her unconditionally. When she probably doesn’t know that.”

“Well. There’s not much to be done about it. Like I said. I have a good family. I just still have that feeling. Like I want to protect her.”

“Well. Why would it go away? She’s your mom. No matter how many years have passed.”

“Well, like you, it feels kind of ungrateful. Especially given how Marigold has been such a great mother figure to me.”

“But she would never resent you for caring for your birth mother. You know that.”

He nodded.

She put her hand on his. Everything was put away now.

“Why don’t we go back upstairs?”

“Sounds like a good plan.”

Chapter Six

When they woke up the next morning, they were tangled in each other. Colton had never slept with somebody all night before. Having Lily naked and wrapped around him was a surprise. A good one. It was Christmas Eve, and the roads hadn’t opened up yet. The storm had, however, moved toward the coast, and when he got out of bed and looked out the window, he saw snow. On the beach.

“Look at that,” he said.

She stirred and got out of bed, and for a moment, all his attention was on her. On her body. On how beautiful she was.

“What?”

“Snow on the beach,” he said.

“Weird,” she said, getting out of bed and making her way to the window.

He turned and looked at her. “Yeah. But fucking beautiful.”

He mostly meant her. Even though the scene out there was stunning, it was nothing compared to Lily.

He grasped for the hurt he normally felt when he looked at her, because it was a talisman. A good one. One that served as a reminder for why he couldn’t afford to have too many feelings. One that served as a reminder of what he was. Except, he had basically bled all his guts out to her last night, and she had still gone to bed with him. She was still here.

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