Page 84 of Rancher's Return

“It isn’t weird that you wanted to find your dad,” said Colton.

“You know where yours is?”

“He was in prison,” Colt said.

“Oh.”

“I think he’s probably dead now. I could check. Look in some archives or something. But... I’m not sure I want to. Though I guess, either way, I know where he is. Safely tucked away in a jail cell or six feet under.” He paused for a moment. “I find that to be a comfort. I have no idea where my mom is. I haven’t for a long time. But it wouldn’t be surprising if she were dead too. The way they both lived... Not conducive to long life spans.”

“How old were you when you got taken away from your mom?”

“Six. The first time. I spent a few years bouncing back and forth. Foster homes for a while, and then she would get to have another try. See if she could get off meth long enough to be a parent. She couldn’t. When I was ten, she lost her parental rights. And after that, I just didn’t get the point. I felt like I had spent years trying to behave. Trying to be a decent kid so I could get put back with my mom. Like, if I were better, then she would have the inspiration she needed to get off the drugs. But once I knew there was no hope of going back to her, once she was just gone... I gave up. I started using. Thank God, nothing too serious. And thank God, I didn’t take to it. Because that could have decided the entire trajectory of my life when I was way too young to be making decisions like that. I started dealing. To try and keep my head above water when I was out on the streets. I got arrested. I got sent to juvie. I got sent to group homes. Depending on the mood of the judge on a given day.

“Eventually, I exhausted my options locally. They decided to ship me out to Colorado. To Hope Ranch. My life changed because of that. If I hadn’t gone there, I would be dead. Either because I ended up on the wrong end of somebody’s gun, or because I took something. Maybe on purpose, and OD’d. Staying alive is just a lot of damned work when you live the way I did.”

He shook his head. “And it’s not even an interesting story. Not that part. That part is boring. That part is so common. It’s a repeated cycle, one you don’t know how to get yourself out of if nobody shows you how. And for a long time, there was nobody to show me how. And that was difficult. It was really difficult. But then I met Buck. And I learned that there was a different way to be a man. To be a person. He was honest. About his own struggles. Both with addiction and with just living through loss, violence. Your uncle’s death, it changed him. He saw his friends die. Everybody in town blamed him. And if they didn’t blame him directly, then at the very least there was a pall of suspicion cast over him. And combined with his own demons it was just too much. I don’t ever want to be glad that somebody went through a hard time, and I really don’t want to be glad that your uncle died. But I feel like Buck having gone through what he did... That’s what saved me. He showed me a new way to be.”

“I know you don’t think it’s interesting,” she said, her heart squeezing tight. “But it’s part of what makes you who you are. All the struggles that you’ve gone through. And I am grateful that Buck showed you a different path. But I don’t think you would be dead, Colton. I think you would’ve found a different way. Because I think that’s who you are.”

“Why? Based on what? What have I ever done to show you that I am singular in some way?”

“You just are. I was so deeply suspicious of men. Why wouldn’t I be? My dad was a shadowy figure who my mom had nothing to say about. And none of it meant anything to me. I didn’t fantasize about having a romance because I had never seen one that was functioning. I met you, and something about you got to me right away.”

He chuckled. “I think that’s called hormones.”

“I don’t think it was just sex. Or I would’ve had sex with somebody else in the intervening years.”

His face went blank. “I did.”

It hurt her. She let it.

She had known that. She didn’t think he was trying to be hurtful, though.

“Well, we weren’t together.” She winced. “Beth...”

“Is my friend. Not my girlfriend. I promise.”

“She doesn’t think...”

“No, she doesn’t. There’s no... There’s no ambiguity there.”

“Oh.”

“Were you jealous?”

She looked down at her hands. “I was trying not to be. I don’t have a claim on you. I never have. I mean, I have no right to be jealous, all things considered. But yes.” She was rambling, stammering, going back over her words. “I guess I just thought it was okay if we were both stalled out. But if you had a girlfriend...”

“You didn’t want me moving on and being happy, Lily?”

“That’s not it,” she said.

“What is it then?”

“I don’t know. It just made things feel final. And I didn’t want them to.”

“Well. I guess they aren’t so final.”

“I guess not,” she said.

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