Page 66 of Rancher's Return

“I’ve got to fix it,” he said.

“Great,” said Marcus.

“But I’ve got to fixmefirst.”

“Shit, bitch,” said Reggie. “We don’t have that kind of time.”

“Maybe not all the way. But I have to... I have to do something.”

“Maybe you should make a list. That’s what my therapist used to say to do.”

“Okay. I’ll make a list.”

So he did. He spent the day writing down what he needed to do, who he needed to talk to. He started at Joey’s old house. Joey’s mother let him in. His father had died five years earlier. She didn’t condemn him.

Then he went to Ryan’s place. And as he talked to Ryan’s parents, he released the guilt. He realized he was the only one holding on to it.

And then it was time to go to his own parents’ house.

“What brings you here?” his mother said, smiling.

“I want to say that I’m sorry. I really am so fucking sorry. I’m so sorry that I missed so many years. And I really want you to forgive me. Because I want to be different. I don’t want to feel this way for the rest of my life. I want to be more than grief. And more than mistakes. And more than good deeds trying to cover up everything broken inside of me. I want to be better. And I want... I want to be able to love a woman the way that I should. I love Marigold. I want to have a future with her. A family. I messed up big-time with her. I realized not too long ago it’s because I’m such a mess.”

“Hell,” his dad said. “Son. We are all a mess and none of us makes it through life without getting messier than we were when we were born. I spent years feeling regret over how you left. Wondering what I could’ve done better with you.”

“So did I,” his mother said.

“No,” Buck said. “Don’t feel bad. It was my decision to leave. I was the one who couldn’t handle it.”

“And I feel like, as your parents, we should have done something different to make it so you knew you could stay.” His dad cleared his throat. “That’s life.”

“What if we all just stopped blaming ourselves? Because there’s no room for regret. I mean, I have it. A bunch of it. For all the time I missed, but...”

“But you have your boys.”

“Yes. And I hope that I’ll have Marigold. And if so, then what it took to get there... It would be worth it. Somehow all my bad decisions led me to the right place.” He thought long and hard about that intuition in his gut. And he realized, that was the thing that had been leading him all along. More than a gut check. Divine intervention. Because it was nothing short of miraculous that with everything he’d done wrong, so much was right.

“I’m just thankful,” he said.

“I think that’s a pretty good start.”

He nodded slowly. And when he went outside, the sun felt different. Warmer. He couldn’t change his past. He couldn’t go back and make better decisions. He could only make good ones going forward. And give thanks for the fact that he had been given so much in spite of himself.

Chapter Sixteen

Marigold was bustling around the new building, her dream significantly less beautiful than it had been only last week. What did it matter now?

This was the problem with love, she thought. With opening yourself up. Then beautiful new kitchens didn’t feel as significant as they should.

She’d been dreaming of this, and now her dreams felt dim. Which infuriated her. Her dreams were not dim.

But for a moment, she’d thought it was possible to have it all.

Now anything else felt less.

Damn that man for making her life feel like less.

She was about to go into the back room when she heard the door open. Then she stopped and turned around, and there was Buck, standing there backlit against the sunlight.

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