Page 62 of Rancher's Return

But sometimes it was for the best.

Because just like back then, he knew leaving was the right thing to do.

Was it the right thing to do?

He gritted his teeth, and he walked out the door.

But Marigold followed him.

He made his way to his truck and opened the driver’s side door, but she kept on coming.

“You are a coward,” she shouted.

“We don’t need to perform this for the neighbors,” he said.

“Why? Because we are so evolved now? Because we’ve changed? Because I’m not thirteen anymore, so I don’t get to yell at you in the street? I will. If that’s what it takes for you to understand. What’s the point of growing up if you don’t grow up? What’s the point of all this? Of being so good. Of both of us being so damned responsible. What is the point of any of it? I’m letting it all go. I’m giving it away. I’m not responsible. I’m not good. I am heartbroken. And I am angry at you. For throwing all of this away, for throwing us away. How dare you.”

“You don’t understand,” he said, slamming the door shut again. “I’m trying to protect you. You’re right, you have done a lot of work. And what am I? Nothing. No matter what I do I am never going to be able to erase the way I messed things up. My parents are old. My siblings grew up without me. They had to take care of everything while I was off licking my wounds. I didn’t apologize to your parents, I didn’t apologize to Ryan’s parents, I didn’t apologize to Joey’s parents. All I did was take all my hurt and stuff it down deep inside of me. I made it all about me. That’s who I am. When everything is terrible, I make it about me. And it is only my guilt that finally dragged me out of it. It is only my guilt that finally made me take a good, long, hard look at myself and say that if I was still breathing, I better the hell make it count, because my friends were dead, and I was wasting my chance at life. Yeah. Guilt pulled me out of rock bottom. And I’m sorry if you don’t understand why that worked for me. But it did.”

“You’re more than that,” she said. “This is your sign. This is your other opportunity. To look around at yourself, to look around your life and ask why are you breathing?”

“For those boys.”

“Breathe for yourself too.”

He shook his head. “I can’t.”

“You are the biggest catfish on the planet,” she said. “Because you are so charming and so handsome, and it is fake. Inside, you are a mess. The same mess you were when you left. You haven’t grown at all. You’re just hiding behind something different. Now it’s this facade of the benevolent martyr. How nice for us. And how nice for you. You can roam around in a philosophical hair shirt for the rest of your life and never have to take a risk again. Because you’re already dying. So what are you afraid of? Living. That’s what you’re afraid of.”

“Maybe,” he said, feeling like he’d been stabbed straight through the chest. “But you know, a lot of people are afraid of bad things happening to them. I’m afraid of the way I seem to make bad things happen to other people. And I don’t know what to do about that fear.”

It was the truth, even if it was a little overdramatic, even if it didn’t entirely make sense. He knew. He understood. He felt the truth of it, burning there at the center of his chest. There was something in him that was just rotten and wrong, and if he didn’t control it... If he didn’t control it, then everything would be ruined.

“Maybe it’s best this way,” he said. “Best if you don’t understand. And you just hate me.”

“We’re business partners,” she said, clearly exasperated, broken, and it was his fault.

“That’s not going to change. I won’t go back on my word.”

“Is that the game you play? You make all these commitments that you can’t get out of, and then you tell yourself that even if you withhold your heart, you’re doing the right thing? Is that the point of you following fate?”

He knew it wasn’t. He knew what she said wasn’t totally true. Except, maybe when he had adopted the boys, he hadn’t anticipated loving them like he did. Really loving them like his own sons.

But he just... He just couldn’t do more.

“You’ll thank me for this later.”

She bent down and picked up a pebble, as he got into the truck, then threw it at the door as he pulled out. He heard it hit; it dented.

He unrolled his window. “Are you nuts?”

“If I am it’s your fault!”

Well. That said it all. And that was why he had to go.

So he kept on driving, until he couldn’t see her anymore.

Chapter Fifteen

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