Page 52 of Rancher's Return

And he grieved the loss of those years. That was perhaps the hardest part.

Because the loss was his fault. It had been his choice.

And that was something that transcended the guilt he was comfortable with. It overrode the self-flagellation that made him feel most at ease.

“I missed you. And more than that, I wish like hell I hadn’t stayed gone for as long as I did. I regret that. I missed so much of your life. So much of Callie’s. So much of everybody’s. I’d like to say I regret most that I left you with all that responsibility, but hell, I regret the most that we weren’t close. That we have a relationship to rebuild now, because I shattered it. Because I didn’t just...” He closed his eyes. “I lost my friends. And I felt helpless and responsible for that. But maybe feeling responsible was a way to find some place for all that anger to go. Because it’s just such a helpless, infuriating feeling. Losing people you care about like that. I hated it. I still do. And I hate this. I hate that the end result of everything that happened was losing time with my family, even if it was my own choice. When I know how short and fragile everything is.”

“Yeah,” Boone said, looking down. “I mean, I get that. I’m mad at you about that. And I still feel some resentment sometimes toward... Wendy’s ex, I guess. For all the years I couldn’t have her, because he was wasting her time. But mostly... When you get something good, you kinda gotta just take it. I have Wendy now, so what’s the point of being angry about all the years I didn’t have her? What’s the point of being full of resentment? I have what I want.”

“I don’t quite follow.”

“You made your choice. I can’t even say it was a bad one. Because who knows what would’ve happened to you, who knows if you could have healed the way you did, if you hadn’t made the choice. You wouldn’t have ever met your boys. That you don’t regret, do you?”

“No,” he said. “Of course not.”

“Exactly. So... Yeah, parts of this were hard. And there are always going to be things to regret. But those were the decisions you made. So here we are, all together now.”

“Yeah. I guess we are.”

“You like her,” he said, gesturing toward Marigold.

“I... Of course I do. She’s my friend. She’s Jason’s sister. There’s a lot of baggage there.”

Except that felt like the smallest piece of what they were. They understood each other. Because they had both been through difficult things. It was more bonding than baggage, and not in a traumatic way. It was something he would never be able to explain to another person. He wasn’t sure he would ever fully be able to articulate it to himself.

“No. Come on. You know what I mean. You’re into her.”

Buck flashed back to kissing her. “Yeah,” he said. “I am.”

Because there was no point lying when he was sure his desire for her was written all over his face. When he was sure his brother knew him better than that.

In spite of the distance. In spite of the time they had spent apart.

“What are you going to do about it?”

“Are you asking about my sex life?”

“No. I don’t give a shit if you’re sleeping with her or not. What I want to know is—are you going to let yourself have her? I’m not talking about physical stuff.”

Boone was talking about love.

And it was all fine and good for his brother to believe in that sort of thing. For himself.

But Buck... He couldn’t see a way forward with love.

“I’m just... Whatever we can have, for as long as we can have it, that’s what I’m here for,” he said.

“Because?”

“The kids are dating,” he said.

“Right. So you’re going to give precedence to a couple of teenagers’ first relationship over what could be the real thing?”

“No. I... That isn’t it. There’s no way to say this without sounding like a vampire in a teen movie. Okay? But there are just some things that can’t be fixed. There are some scars that leave you too...messed up to move on from.”

“Yeah. You’re right. You do sound like a vampire in a teen movie. Ridiculous. The thing is, Buck, it’s your life. I’m not really sure why you’d choose to live in hell when you’re alive and could choose something different.”

He grimaced. “It is not that simple.”

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