Page 77 of Blade

“I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.”

“Everything changed after that. I didn’t want to live without him, but I wasn’t strong enough to do anything about it. Rachel and Ryder were with me every day. Sometimes, we would just sit in silence, but they never judged me. They were grieving too, but I was so caught up in my own grief that I couldn’t see theirs. My mother wanted to leave town, but I couldn’t leave Ryder and Rachel before graduation. They had done so much for me.”

I stood up.

I had to move.

Blade followed, jumping to his feet.

“You know they talk about the stages of grief. Denial was quick. I lived in denial for a year. I refused to believe it. Anger was next. That hit me at my senior prom. Grant talked me into going with him. I found out I had won prom queen, and I left before the announcement. I was so angry athim. How dare he leave me? He should have been the one to take me to prom, not Grant-Mother-Fathers-Nicholson.”

I heard Blade snicker at mycuss words, but I ignored him.

“After anger came bargaining. Never have I prayed so much in my life. Begging for him to come back. I was willing to never see him again if it meant he could live. That was how much I loved him.”

I was pacing now.

Blade just stood there quietly, waiting for me to get it all off my chest.

“Depression, boy, that one took its toll. Years of going through the motions. College, work, life, I got through it allfeeling nothing. I never went on dates. No dates, meant no goodnight kisses.”

I stopped pacing and looked at Blade. “The night Grant attacked me. When you kissed me after bringing me home, that was my second kiss. Ever.”

I caught the shock on his face.

I knew what he was thinking.

“And sex?” I huffed. “That is such an abstract thought to me that I don’t even know if I would enjoy it when it finally happens.”

I shut my mouth and walked toward the edge.

Looking out over the town, I let my words sink in.

I heard his feet shuffle behind me, before his hands were on my shoulders.

“What about acceptance? When did you get to that one?” he whispered.

“When I get there, I’ll let you know. I can’t even bring myself to go see his grave. I haven’t been there since the funeral.”

“What about the day I saw you there with Ryder?”

I knew that was him.

I wondered how long he had been following me.

Shaking my head, I confessed, “I couldn’t do it. I didn’t realize where Ryder was leading me until we were inside, and then I had a panic attack and we left.”

Blade turned me around to face him. He pressed a kiss to my forehead and asked, “Think you could make room for me?”

I looked up at him, confused.

“What?”

“I want to be in your life, babe. I tried to keep you out. Thought, if I was mean enough, you would stay away. One taste of you and I was powerless to stop you from worming your way in, but here you are. Now, I don’t wanna let you go.”

“I’m broken, Blade. Weren’t you listening? I don’t know how to live for anyone else.”

“Then live for you. I know what my kiss does to you. You can’t hide that.”

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