Page 41 of Spite Crush

“That doesn’t make you a burden,” he insisted. “It makes you human.”

“I don’t want to talk about this,” I said.

I appreciated the sentiment, but I’d lived with my challenges my whole life. I’d watched relationships crumble when I got to be too much for people. Had dealt with my best friends turning into little more than colleagues because I’d driven them so crazy with my ADHD and anxiety that they could barely tolerate me anymore. He reallyhad no idea what he was talking about.

“So what do you want to talk about?” he asked.

“Something real,” I said. “Tell me something real about you.”

“Something real,” he repeated slowly. “Like that my favorite color used to be green until I met you and saw the color of your eyes?”

“Stop it.” I felt heat rise in my cheeks, embarrassed by his very sweet compliment. I might like to hear stuff like that in bed, but it made me uncomfortable everywhere else.

“It’s true,” he said. “But I take your point.” He blew out a soft sigh before continuing. “I didn’t realize I was gay until college. I was too busy practicing and working my ass off to really think about dating anyone. I mean, I knew something was different, but I may as well have been asexual for all that anyone else mattered in my head.”

“What made you finally figure it out?”

“I got drunk at a party with a teammate. He grabbed me and gave me the grossest, sloppiest kiss.Honestly it was disgusting.” He barked out a laugh. “But everything inside of me lit up like a Tesla dashboard. It all finally registered and I was both relieved and terrified in equal measure. Nothing else ever happened between us, but we remained friends and he taught me how to pick up the signs. So when I did finally meet someone looking for a hook up a year later, it wasn’t as awkward as it might have been.”

I appreciated him sharing that story with me so much. This was what I wanted with him. Honesty andopenness. And I knew I wanted to share my truth with him as well.

“I can’t remember a time I didn’t know I was gay. I had the biggest fucking crush on Steve Burns. Like…it was a problem.” I laughed as I thought back to the way I would stare captivated by the man on my television screen. “To this day I get hard when I see a green crayon.”

“So you must have started getting experience pretty young?”

“Kind of. I mean, in high school I gave a lot of straight guys handjobs.”

“Really? Why?”

“Yeah.” I shrugged even though he couldn’t see me. “Straight guys don’t tell. I didn’t know if I wanted my truth out there for everyone to know my business, you know? And straight dudes don’t want to admit anything happened between them another guy.”

“What did you get out of that arrangement?”

“Usually five bucks and a candy bar.”

“You’re such an asshole.” He chuckled and I could imagine himshaking his head on the other end of the line. “Was any of that true?”

“All of it was true,” I promised him. “Well, not the payment. But yeah. And I guess what I really got out of it was confirmation. You know how people ask what you would do even if you weren’t getting paid?”

“You’d jerk off straight guys?”

“Shut up.” I rolled my eyes. “It’s one thing to see the beauty in Steve Burns on television. It’s another to touch a man and know for sure that you really are gay. Just like I know I’d still be playing music even if we’dnever made it out of the garage. And you’d still find a way to play to hockey even if you never went pro. We are who we are, Zak. And the peace that comes from knowing that is everything.”

“Yeah,” he agreed. “I guess it is.” He let out a soft sigh into the receiver. “Your tour is over now, right?”

“Yeah. Tonight was the last show.”

“What are your plans?”

“Well, tonight I’m going to sleep in this big empty bed, all by myself. Then I’ll probably head back to L.A..I’m supposed to be working on a new album and the label is going to want us in the studio eventually.” God, I really didn’t want to even think about that. I hadn’t had a new idea in months and honestly I wasn’t even sure I wanted to make another album for HSF.

“What if you took some time off?”

“What do you mean?”

“Come to Michigan.”

“What?” I couldn’t believe he was asking me that. I mean, I wanted nothing more than to see him again.But this was reckless. Dangerous even.

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