Page 23 of Conflict

“I absolutely should have called Delia. Look at you, you’re in no fit state to be at work. Your brother died a few weeks ago and your boyfriend pulled a bastard move on you last night, breaking your heart,” Rachel is standing beside me now, her sunglasses are resting on the top of her head, holding her hair back from her face. She looks flawless, as usual. “I’m taking you home, and then I’m going find Jamie Kasper and rip his balls off. Then, if he’s lucky, I won’t force feed them to him.”

The sigh that escapes me is more audible than I intended, and earns me the side-eye from both Rachel and Delia. “He’s not my boyfriend, I think we established that already.” And now I can’t stop the tears from falling again. Delia offers me a sympathetic arm pat and Rachel almost growls as she slides her designer shades back down over her eyes.

“I’m going to fucking kill him with my bare hands. Get in my car, there’s no way you can drive like that.” Rachel confiscates my car keys and holds her arm out to the right, pointing to where her car is parked. “Thanks for intercepting her, Delia.” Rachel leans in to kiss Delia’s cheek and then I’m ushered the few steps it takes to reach her car.

“Please, don’t speak to Jay. I just want to forget everything and move on,” my voice is barely a whisper.

Rachel checks her mirrors, pulls out of the carpark and onto the main road before she responds. “Oh, I won’t be speaking to him, I’ll be doing much worse than that. Now, let’s not mention his name again, or I may just hunt him down right now.” So we spend the rest of the journey back to Rachel’s in silence, with me staring out into the abyss as it whizzes past the car window.

CHAPTER 31

JAMIE

The temptation to call Scarlett has been strong, but I’ve managed to hold off. I don’t want to give her any false hope. I haven’t changed my mind about us, it’s not the right time. I just wish she could see that. But I’ll wear the ‘Bastard’ tag as a well-earned badge of honour. The wrong kind of honour, I know, and I’ll admit this whole thing is not one of my better moments in life. My only hope now is that we can salvage something of our friendship, but I’m not hopeful. That’s going to take time, I need to rebuild the trust first but I can only do that once I’m in a better position mentally. The therapy sessions have taught me that, if nothing else, I have to put my needs first and re-evaluate my thoughts and feelings.

“I’m going across to the park, the under thirteens are training again today, thought I’d see if I can help out,” the ice-cold water from the fridge dispenser spills over the top of my water bottle as I fill it, coating my hand. “I’ll eat when I get back.” Mum’s lasagne sits on plate ready for me to warm up when I’m ready. It’s one of my favourite meals so she’s taken to cooking it all the time for me, it’s her way of looking after me.

“You’ll need one of those security check things, won’t you?” She’s peering at me over the rim of her glasses as she continuesto put the dishes away. “I’m not sure they’ll let you volunteer without one, but I think getting involved would be a good thing. You know, it’ll give you some focus and you’ll help those kiddies no end.”

“They’re called DBS checks; I’ve got one already but I think they need to be specific to each organisation. I’m going to wander over anyway, I can ask one of the coaches,” I lean over the counter to kiss her cheek. I’ve put her through too much crap these last few weeks and I don’t think she knows how much I appreciate her. “Leave the rest of those, I’ll do them when I’ve eaten later.” Her hand reaches up to cradle my cheek just like she used when I was small.

“You have a good heart,” I grab her hand to place a kiss there before I leave. “They’ll be lucky to have you.” Right now, I don’t feel like my heart is good, it feels cold and unable to function properly but I won’t shatter her with that snippet of information just now. So instead of replying I offer her a weary and smile and head out of the door.

The lads are on good form again tonight. Josh takes a shot on goal and scores; he’s upped his celebration to a cartwheel today instead of the usual knee slide he graces us with. Ben, his grandad, cheers loudly from where he stands next to me. “I thought I’d offer my help as a volunteer, who do you think is best to speak to?” I ask Ben once we’ve cheered and applauded Josh’s goal for a reasonable length of time.

Ben turns to face me, “Come on, I’ll introduce you to Mike. He’ll be grateful of the help, I’m sure.” With that, I’m striding around the edge of the pitch alongside Ben to speak to the coach. There’s a flutter in my stomach, before I would have said it was excitement but it feels more like apprehension today. These feelings are all new to me, I’m not used to being nervous. In my job I have to make split second decisions and the outcomes of those affect the whole of my squadron. Deciding to volunteer foran under-thirteen’s football club isn’t a life changing decision. Well, it shouldn’t be, but here we are. “Mike, this young man would like to talk to you about volunteering with the team, I told him you’re the one to speak with,” Ben pat’s me on the arm. “Jamie, I’ll leave you to it.” He gives us both a nod and then turns to focus his attention back on his grandson and the game.

After a lengthy discussion, Mike agrees I can volunteer and gives me the website I need to apply for the DBS check. “You can help out while you wait for that to come through, you just can’t be alone with the kids, but I’ll be here all the time anyway. Given your background, the check should be through pretty quickly,” I reach out to shake Mike’s hand, the feeling of accomplishment sits well with me. “We train Tuesdays and Thursdays and then there’s a match every weekend during the season. So, I guess I’ll see you Thursday, I’ll bring the paperwork I need you to complete then, too.”

“I knew he’d bite your hand off, they don’t get any funding, so any help they can get is much appreciated.” Ben waves at his grandson who is showboating on the pitch, when I turn to look, Josh is practising his back flips and misses a pass from one of the other lads. His arms shoot up in the air as he begins to shout at his team mates. “That’ll teach him.” Ben states nonchalantly and I can’t help but throw my head back in laughter. It’s the first time I’ve properly laughed in such a long time and I can’t tell you how good it feels. When I turn to look at Ben he’s smiling and it feels like we’ve made a connection. It doesn’t matter how small that is, it all counts towards my healing.

“I guess we’ll be seeing a bit more of each other then,” my arms come to rest on the railing that runs around the pitch, both of us now focussed on the training. “I hope the kids take it easy on me, although they can’t be any worse than the lads back at base.” My mind wanders for a second, taking me back to better days where the banter was part of our everyday existence. Theconstant ribbing went hand in hand with the job. That’s how friendships are built and memories made. I only wish they could eradicate my most recent memories of being a soldier.

Ben turns to look at me, “You’ve never worked with kids, have you? They’ll have all sorts of tricks up their sleeves for the new guy, just you wait and see!” I know he’s not joking, and I can’t help but chuckle.

“Bring it on,” I say, making a mental note to think up some of my own little pranks to keep them on their toes. “They’ve met their match with me, Ben. Just you wait and see.” With that I stand tall and make ready to head home. “Gotta go, things to do. I’ll see you Thursday, say hi to Josh for me.”

“Is it date night with your lovely young lady?” Ben asks out of the blue and my breath stutters in my chest. “I miss date nights with my Betsy, God rest her soul. Make sure you hang to that one, relationships are precious and need to be nurtured.” Deep down, I know I need to say that Scarlett and I are no more, but something inside me stops the words from forming. It’s probably a side effect of the gut wrenching feeling that’s suddenly taken up residence in the pit of my stomach. I should hang my head in shame but instead, all I do is nod before I turn to walk away.

CHAPTER 32

JAMIE

“I’ve approached my CO and told them I want to go down the medical discharge route. They’re organising a date for me to go in front of the medical board for assessment,” Dr Munroe is sitting opposite me again in what I can only describe as his standard work uniform; smart, but casual trousers and an open-necked shirt. His glasses are sat on the top of his head as he listens to me speak. “He said I need a report from you to outline why you think the medical discharge is appropriate. It’ll cement my request, basically.”

Dr Munroe slides his glasses back down over his eyes and jots a note down on the pad he keeps by his side. When he’s written down the details he needs, he turns his attention back to me. “That must have been a very difficult decision for you to make, Jamie,” his hands rest peacefully in his lap. Jealously like I’ve never experienced before rages through my veins. I can’t think of time in recent years that I’ve ever felt peaceful. My mind whirls as I try to recall a time or place when peace has been a thing for me. Reaching up, my fingertips pull at the neckline of my T-shirt, my body feels like a furnace. Dr Munroe must notice because he reaches forward and fills my glass with water.

“Thank you,” I say as I down the full glass in one go. Once I feel a little more composed, I continue. “It has been hard. But the army isn’t where I see my future anymore. I’ve thought long and hard about it, but I keep coming back to the same decision.” He nods his head as he listens but he doesn’t respond, so I carry on because I have a need to fill the void in the room. “It’s not the easy way out as most people think. It’ll take months, and I may end up having to go back before it comes through but I’m hoping not. There’s nothing left there for me. My life’s here, well not necessarily here, but the army isn’t my life now.” I’m well aware I’m rambling but I can’t stand the silence.

Thankfully, Dr Munroe doesn’t leave a gap in the conversation this time. “I’d be surprised if anyone thought it was the easy way out. Far from it, I’d say. The path you have stretched before you will be difficult to traverse,” he pauses momentarily to flick back through his notes before he carries on. “And how does your girlfriend, Scarlett, feel about you leaving the Army?” his eyes are burning holes into my soul as he waits for me to answer.

“I’ve no idea how she feels about it, we’re not together anymore,” a part of me wants him to be shocked or even just show some kind of reaction to that news but of course he doesn’t. “I ended it a few days ago. She hasn’t spoken to me since.” My shoulders shrug like its water off a duck’s back. “It’s my fault, I’m to blame for all of this. I know I’ve hurt her and her parents, and I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life but she deserves better. She can do better than settling for me.” Still, he shows no emotion, maybe his eyebrow raised a fraction but there’s no other recognition from him. “I don’t deserve her love.”

That sparks his interest and he shuffles in his seat a little, moving nearer the edge of the chair as he places the notebook down on the table next to the water jug. “Why do you think youdon’t deserve to be with Scarlett? Help me to understand your thought process and how you arrived at the assumption.”

“Well, I don’t know, it just seems fair.” Emotion bubbles in my throat and my chest feels a little tight as I allow myself to remember the look on Scarlett’s face when I ended things between us.

Dr Munroe balances his elbows on his knees and steeples his fingers together so he can rest his chin on them. “Fair? To say that it’s fair implies that you did something that requires punishment.”

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