Page 14 of Conflict

Jamie pulls away first, “Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen…” he runs his hands over his flushed face as he breathes out heavily. “Scar…” he turns to me, full of remorse and angst. Before he has time to finish his sentence I launch at him. My hands diving into his thick dark hair as I pull him back towards me.

“Shut up, Jay,” My mouth takes his quickly, sucking on his lip as I alternate between nibbling and kissing him. My tongue runs along the seam of his lips, begging for entry. I’ve been kissed before by men who had absolutely no clue what they were doing, either that or they saw kissing as a means to a happy ending. But this is different. This feels like so much more. Jamie responds eagerly, pulling me in tightly as his hands splay firmly across my back. The warmth radiating through my body, sending my tummy into a whirl. I need to be nearer to him, I want our bodies melded together. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I further deepen the kiss, trying to convey everything. Finally, we break apart, breathless as I right myself on the barstool. Just as I’d regained composure, Pat burst in from the garden.

“Hello you two! Didn’t know you were back, I’ve been chatting with Joan next door, she’s been telling me all about her daughter moving to Australia with her new husband,” Pat busies herself arranging the flowers she’d picked from the garden into a vase beside the sink. “She’s devastated, poor woman. She’s convinced herself she’ll never see them again. I was telling herthat in this day and age, Australia isn’t that far away and there’s the internet. I tried to explain Zoom to her but I’m not quite sure she understood,” Pat chuckles as she turns around to face us finally. Both of us now have our smug faces buried into the pasties we’d brought back with us. “Jamie! I’ve made lasagne for tea, you won’t want any if you eat that now,” Pat tuts loudly as she picks up the vase of flowers and takes them into the lounge. Jamie and I exchange cheeky glances, him winking at me as I blush a crimson colour. “I’ll freeze it, I’ll have a sandwich instead.” Pat blusters back into the kitchen. “What are you two giggling about? How did your session go?” The woman barely stops for breath.

“I’ll eat the lasagne! Just give it an hour, stop fretting.” Jamie chortles. “The session was okay; I’m booked in for next week. Scarlett can stay for dinner, too,” he turned to face me. “Do you fancy lasagne?”

The flush rises from my chest and covers my cheeks again. God only knows why, I’ve spent countless hours in this kitchen, eating with my second family. “Actually, my mum’s cooked so I best be making a move,” I slide off the barstool but not before I’ve planted a more innocent kiss on Jamie’s cheek. “Thanks for the invite, though. I’ll call you tomorrow,” without a second glance, because I absolutely dare not look at either one of them for fear they could see right through me, I make my way to the front door and head home.

CHAPTER 19

JAMIE

For the last few days, I’ve been unable to think of anything other than kissing Scarlett. My brain has been nothing but fog remembering those moments of pure bliss. Sure, I’d instigated it, but Scarlett had reciprocated with gusto. I’ve kissed a few women in my time, the squaddie thing is a real pull on a night out. Tom and I used to be a great tag team, but more often than not, I was his wingman. He was the more successful one of the two us. The girls flocked around him; he certainly had the gift of the gab. Kissing Scarlett was different though, I’ve never thought of her as anything more than a friend up to now, but those lips and thick, dark lashes should be illegal on anyone. On Scarlett, they were enchanting. We’ve texted since that kiss but we’ve not been in the same room. I’m not sure if that’s intentional on both our parts or whether fate is playing its part.

Thoughts of Tom have also preoccupied my mind more than usual since I kissed his sister. The level of guilt has ramped up exponentially, there’s a knot in my stomach and I can’t figure out if it’s my conscience or lust, or maybe an element of both. I’m well aware of the guy code, and kissing your best mate’s sister is frowned upon. Never mind finding your dead mate’s sister attractive and actually realising you have bone fide feelings forher after all these years. Until now, I’ve only thought of her as Scarlett but now everything seems to have turned on its axis, throwing all I’ve ever known into turmoil. My emotions are conflicted, loyalty to Tom’s memory is strong but there’s this underlying feeling that this is my time. Would Tom hate me for pursuing things with his sister? God only knows.

I don’t have time to think about this now. “Jamie Kasper, if you’re not in the car in the next five seconds, I’m going without you,” Mum shouts up to me. Unusually, I’ve not left myself enough time to get the train. Thankfully, Mum is going out for lunch with one of friends today so I’ve managed to blag a lift. “Do you hear me?”

Sliding my feet into my trainers, I grab my keys and phone and head downstairs. “Alright, I’m not deaf.” I lean in to kiss Mum’s cheek as she slicks another layer of lipstick on as she waits for me. “Now who’s keeping us waiting?” I pull open the front door, stepping out into the warm, late summer air before she can berate me. She unlocks the car and we both climb in.

“It’s not too late for me to rearrange lunch with Trisha, if you want some company. We could have lunch afterwards,” Mum turns on the engine and pulls out of the driveway as she speaks.

“No, I’m fine. I’d rather go alone, no offence. You enjoy your lunch date; you deserve some time to enjoy yourself. I’ll see you back at home later.” The last thing I need is my mother coming to therapy sessions with me.

“Good, I am looking forward to it, we’ve not had a catch up in so long,” as we pull up at a set of lights, Mum turns to look at me. “You’re getting your spark back. I noticed it a little last week but didn’t want to get too giddy about it, but it’s definitely there.” She leans across and pats my thigh before she pulls away as the lights turn green. “I’ve been so worried about you.”

My chest tightens with a hint of sadness. The last thing I want is to make my mum worry, she’s had it hard over the years,being a single a parent. She wasn’t happy when I joined up but she’s slowly gotten used to it. She’s even told me how proud she is of me a few times, and this is how I’ve repaid her. “I’m sorry,” the words are quiet but genuine. I truly am sorry for all the pain I’ve caused her. My hope is that I can take back some of that now, maybe I’ll never be able to erase the memories for her but I’ll give it my best shot.

Mum pulls the car up outside the medical centre and switches off the engine before she turns in her seat to face me. “Listen to me, you don’t ever have to apologise to me. I know how hard losing Tom has been for you, for all of us. Adjusting to life without your best friend was never going to be a walk in the park,” the smile she’s sporting reaches her eyes, making them twinkle in the afternoon sun. “There is one thing I will ask for though, and that’s for you to live. Live your life to the full, grab every opportunity that comes your way with both hands and run with it. If that’s going back to the army, great. If it’s starting a new venture, brilliant. I want you to be happy and healthy. That’s all I ask for.” I unbuckle my seatbelt and lean across the centre console; my arms wrap around her tightly in a hug. She’s the best mum anyone could ever ask for. “Now, off you go or you’ll be late.” I release her and climb out of the car, heading into the clinic for this week’s session.

Dr Munroe greets me with a handshake when he opens the door to his office. “Jamie, it’s good to see you,” I follow him in and take one of the seats by the window. It’s the same seat I sat in last week and somehow, I find that comforting. The familiarity feels like a kind of solace. “So, how have you been since I saw you last?” His hands are rested neatly in his lap as he waits for me to answer, but I’m I can’t find the words just yet. Instead, I nod my head rhythmically as my hands slide up and down my thighs. “Still having the flashbacks?” he pushes on with his questions.

“Yeah, they’ve been worse these last few days again. I’ve woken up a few nights because of them,” there’s a glass and jug of water on the table in front of me so I reach over and pour myself a drink. The icy cold water quenches my dry throat, allowing me to continue. “They’re always the same. It’s the heat and the smell of diesel that gets me every time.” I’m acutely aware that I’m clawing at the skin on my bare arms as I relay my thoughts. A glance down reveals red welts where I’ve scratched at my forearms. Adjusting my breathing and my mindset, I opt to sit on my hands instead. I can’t do much damage then. “Then I see the body parts,” my eyes close instinctively as my heart rate spikes. “Fuck!” I almost jump from my seat and hurry to stand by the open window, dragging in as much clean air as I can.

Dr Munroe allows me a moment to compose myself before he speaks. “What you’re experiencing is very normal. During periods of extreme trauma your brain decides that instead of processing what’s going it’s better to prepare your body to run, to get you out of there. It’s a fight or flight response,” he lets that sit before he carries on. “The problem with your body’s response is that your mind doesn’t get a chance to create a memory of the event in the normal way. So, when your brain tries to process it, your mind doesn’t recognise it as a historic event and thinks it’s in your current timeline. That’s where the distress kicks in, that’s the feeling your having.” I take a few minutes to process what he’s telling me. It makes sense to me on a base level, but what I want to know is when will they end. I return to my seat and allow myself to pour another glass of water.

“So I’m stuck with them? You mean, that’s it, I’ll never be free of them?” My throat constricts with the fear that this is my life now. Swallowing now feels alien to me, like a skill I’ve never learnt.

Dr Munroe offers a sympathetic smile. “There are things you can do to help, lots of people find success with a formof therapy called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, CBT, some use medication. It’s about what works for you, but we have to manage expectations here, Jamie. Some people have to learn to live with the flashbacks.” His words hang in the thick air. My immediate thoughts are ‘give me the meds’, but I somehow don’t think that’s going to happen or even help. “In your case, I think CBT is a good starting point. It’s a way to retrain how your brain reacts to these episodes. It enables you to regain control and therefore will minimise the frequency of them.” He opens the file that’s been sat on table next to him and pulls out a couple of printouts and hands them to me. “I want you to have a read through these, there are a few basic exercises for you to do, to get started. I think you’ll get to grips with it quite quickly. How do you feel about that?” He’s back to studying my expression again, waiting for me to react.

“Honestly, I’ll give anything a go if you think it will help,” he nods in agreement. “I just want to be able to feel like I can carry on, you know. Without Tom, without the army breathing down my neck, without having someone there to constantly pick up the pieces when I fall apart,” it’s a big ask, I’m aware of the enormity of my hopes and fears.

“Do you have someone to pick up the pieces? Is there a support network, apart from the army? Because I’ll be honest Jamie, you’re going to need it. The next few weeks and months are going to feel like hell but I’ve seen lots of my patients achieve huge successes with this kind of therapy.”

My thoughts turn to Scarlett. Is it fair to land all of my shit on her door? She has her own grief to work through and I should be guiding her through that. Our kiss has changed the dynamics of our relationship and I feel even more protective of her. “There’s someone, but it’s new.” My shoulders rise on a shrug, this is a whole new territory to me. “I don’t know, she makes me feel like I need to be better for her. I want to be the man she canfeel safe with, someone she can depend on when she’s hurting.” Everything feels too big again. “Can I be that man? I don’t know,”

“I’m sure we can get you back to being that man, it’ll just take time and commitment. If you can give me those, I’m confident you can achieve your goals.” Dr Munroe ignites a spark within me, a light I thought had been extinguished when my best mate died. But now there’s hope. Hope where, only days ago, there was nothing more than sadness. Dr Munroe stands, indicating the end of today’s session. “Same time next week?” he asks as he heads to open the door for me. I shake his hand as I exit, confirming I’d be back.

CHAPTER 20

SCARLETT

Rachel’s mouth hangs open in shock. She tries to speak a few times but can’t seem to form the words she wants to say. “I know, I know. It took me by surprise, too,” I push a piece of chicken around my plate with my fork. This lunch date is long overdue, we’ve not been able to find time in the last few weeks to get together. Between grieving for Tom and Jamie’s suicide attempt, I’ve neglected our friendship a little. It’s a good job we go way back, even further than Jamie and me.

“You know, I don’t even know why I’m surprised,” Rachel pops a cherry tomato into her mouth, savouring the taste as she chewed. “I mean, it was inevitable really if you think about it,” she takes as sip of her wine before going on. “You two have always been thick as thieves, nobody else ever really had a chance. Come to think of it, I don’t think you’ve ever been in a relationship.”

I immediately start to choke on the bite of food I’ve just taken, coughing and spluttering as I try not to embarrass myself any more than is necessary. “Woah there, nobody mentioned a relationship! Let’s not jump the gun, it was just a kiss; one kiss, that’s all,” grabbing the napkin from the table, I dab at my eyes. Choking on your food is really not a good look for any adult.

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