Page 21 of Conflict

“Well, from the short time I’ve been watching them play, I can safely say he isn’t shit at football. He’s fast, and one of their best goal scorers.” Not that my opinion counts for much, but I’m genuinely invested in this little team now. So much so that I time my workouts so I can see them train and play. We’ve come to be sideline buddies. I seek him out whenever I come to watch them play. I think he likes the company and I like having someone to talk football to. He’s lonely since his wife died, and this time with his grandson seems to be his focus now. I think it gives him purpose in his life. After another ten minutes of goal shooting, the coach calls time on the training session, and Ben stoops to pick up his grandson’s bag.

“He’ll be starving now,” Ben chuckles. “I treat him to fish and chips on the way home on Wednesdays. His mum picks him up later tonight, so I like to help out and feed him. Betsy used to have a roast dinner ready for us, but that’s beyond my cooking skills. Anyway, the lad likes the fish shop just as much.” Ben reaches out to pat my shoulder as Josh reaches us, his jacket tucked under his arm. “See you Saturday, it’s a nine o’clock kickoff this week,” Ben holds his hand out for Josh to take and they head off towards the exit of the park.

I pull out my phone and pull up Scarlett’s name on the screen before I tap out a text to her.

Fancy a fish and chip dinner date with me?

The three dots bounce on the screen almost immediately.

Can we eat them out of the paper down by the river? :)

I smile as I tap out my response.

Is there any other way? Meet me there.

I lock the screen on my phone, slide it back into my pocket and head off to meet Scarlett.

CHAPTER 28

SCARLETT

In the weeks following Tom’s funeral the days have all merged into one and other. There’s been no real definition of time for me. It’s been about getting through each cycle of the sun without further heartache. Jamie had somewhat put the brakes on that depressing rollercoaster though. Well, to some extent, the nights were still long and sometimes torturous. The time alone was when everything came flooding back to me. The night I slept at Jamie’s was the first time since my brother died that I’d actually managed to sleep. Until Jamie’s night terror woke us both up, anyway. The closer Jamie and I become, the easier I’ve found dealing with life without Tom.

Today has been my first day back in work, and I’m not going to lie, I’ve been dreading it, but everyone has been super supportive. They’ve kept me busy and my mind has been occupied with things other than doom and gloom. But now it’s time to head home. Tonight, Jamie and I are going to the village outdoor movie night. It’s an annual end of summer tradition here, you bring your own chairs and there are food stalls. Most of the village gets behind the event, there’s usually two showings, an earlier kids movie and then a later sitting for older kids and adults. Tonight’s late showing is the new Top Gun Maverick andI’m more than a little excited for it. Jamie didn’t take too much convincing either, although I think he’s looking forward to the BBQ food truck and a beer more than the film.

“These have to be the best ribs I’ve ever eaten,” Jamie licks his fingers clean of the BBQ sauce that coats them. “The organisers have upped their game with the food this year.” He lifts his bottle of beer to his lips and takes a good gulp. “I’d forgotten how good these movie nights are, we had them on the base occasionally but the food was never this good.” People around us make hushing noises in our direction and we slide a little further down in our camping chairs, trying to avoid laughing out loud at being told off like little kids. I finish eating my wings and fries and slide the empty carton beneath my chair to dispose of after the film. Jamie throws his arm around the back of my chair and I snuggle into his side, pulling the blanket I brought with us over our knees. I feel Jamie hesitate for a second and I wonder where that’s come from, but the moment passes and he smiles down at me.

As the end credits roll, I gather all of our rubbish and deposit it in the bin while Jamie folds up the chairs and rolls the blanket up under his arm. “Back to mine?” He asks as I take one of the chairs from him to carry.

“Sure, if you don’t think Pat will mind.” I reach up on tiptoes to kiss him.

“She’ll be in bed,” his arm is around my shoulders, pulling me in close so he can kiss my temple, and we make the short walk back to Jamie’s. When we get there, the house is in darkness, guess he was right when he said Pat would be in bed. It is almost eleven I suppose. He unlocks the door and takes the chair I’ve been carrying from me and carries it through to the kitchen, placing it by the back door to go away in the morning. Grabbing two glasses from the cabinet, Jamie fills the glasses with cold water and hands one to me. It’s seconds before thewater is abandoned and he has me caged between his arms, with my back pressed against the units. My hands are around his neck and my fingers play with the hair at the nape of his neck. I run soft kisses down his neck as my hands head towards his lower back, holding him against my body. I hesitate for a second when I feel his body stiffen and he seems to pull away ever so slightly. Pushing the niggling doubt to the back of my mind, I carry on. My hand comes to rest on the zipper of his jeans and I whisper “Fuck me, Jay,” into his ear.

That’s when everything changes.

Jamie pushes himself away from me and turns his back. His head hangs low with his hands rested on hips. His breathing seems laboured as his shoulders rise and fall. “No…I can’t do this. I’m sorry,” Jamie turns to face me, his face is ashen and his eyes are glassy with unshed tears. “I’m sorry. I didn’t ever mean for this to happen,” he’s moving towards me again, but I raise my hands in defence, halting his movement.

“It’s okay, we don’t have to have sex. I just thought that was where this was going,” now I feel stupid, quite how I’ve misread the situation I don’t know. We were kissing, Jamie instigated the kiss, and yes, I stepped it up a notch but I thought that’s what he wanted to do. With my arms wrapped tightly around myself I try to smile through my embarrassment, and move towards the kettle. “Shall I put the kettle on?” I’m trying to defuse the situation, obviously, because I’m British and tea solves everything. But I’m unsure what I’m actually trying to resolve. I thought we were a couple; couples have sex, and I’m uncertain what it is I seem to have done wrong here.

Jamie holds out his arm to halt my movement. “I don’t want tea,” he runs his hand down his face as he sighs. “I didn’t mean for this to happen,” his finger wags between the two of us. “Us, I mean. I didn’t mean for us to happen. I can’t do this.” Hisgaze rests on my face and I try to search deep within his eyes to understand what’s just happened. I come up with nothing.

“W…What?” My stomach drops to my boots and bile rises up in my throat. “How did we end up here, if you didn’t want to end up here? I don’t understand.” My voice sounds too high, even to my ears. Jamie hides his face momentarily and the silence becomes deafening. “What? You got a taste of the goods and decided it’s not to your liking?” My whole body is shaking now, I’m unable to decipher whether its rage, fear or pride that’s causing my body to react the way it is.

Jamie pulls his body up tall, and rigid as he almost shouts, “That is not how it went down and you know it,” he begins to pace the room, pushing the kitchen door closed as he passes. I’m guessing that’s so our words don’t wake Pat, but now I don’t give a damn who hears us. My heart is pounding and there’s a strange ringing in my ears. I’m not a wallflower, I’m the kind of girl who can stand up for herself if needed. Tom made sure of that, before he left me. Pain sears through what’s left of my heart.

“Well, that’s how it feels,” I spit back at Jamie as my hand slams against my chest. “Tell me how it went down, then. Tell me I’m wrong, make me understand.” I have him backed into the corner of the room with my brutal onslaught. He’s standing by the table with his hands rested on the back of a chair, his head hung low. I watch as he begins to shake his head. He’s either in denial or he actually believes I’ll leave quietly with my tail between my legs.

“I can’t give you what you deserve,” his voice is barely above a whisper. “I need to sort my head out, get my life together before I can think about anything else. This is all too much right now.”

“Where has this come from? An hour ago, we were cosied up watching a movie together and having a great time, twenty minutes ago we were walking back from town hand in hand. I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong in the space of twentyminutes!” I’m struggling to control my anger, all embarrassment I felt at misreading the situation has evaporated.

“It’s not your fault,” Jamie begins to say but I cut him off quickly.

“Do not give me the ‘it’s me, not you’ speech, because I know this isn’t my fault. None of this is my fault. This is all on you, Jay. All your doing.” I’m aware my arms are waving around above my head and my voice has gone up yet another notch on the scale but I don’t care.

Jamie waits a few seconds before he carries on. “At my session today, I told him we were a couple and he made me think that we’d rushed into this on the back of the grief and guilt… I thought he was wrong at the time, but what if he isn’t? What if he’s right and I’ve forced something on us that wouldn’t grow naturally?” He looks at me earnestly, he’s almost pleading with me. “And what would Tom think? He’d hate me for this; he’d hate us being together, you know he would.” Jamie moves towards me but I’m quick to back away. I can’t take much more of this right now. “I think we’re going too fast, too soon. Maybe in six months, when I’m settled in a civvie job and have everything back on track we can rethink this, but right now, I don’t want to lose another friend.”

My soul shatters and I whisper, “You just did.” I turn on my heel, grab my bag from the counter where I left it and walk out of Jamie’s house.

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