Page 56 of Proof

“Let’s get my big brother on the phone,” he continued, his voice cold.

I dropped the phone on the floor. Frustration, fear, anger, and pain swirled inside of me, building upon itself like a tornado. I couldn’t keep myself from striding forward, but I abruptly stopped when JJ put the gun to his own head.

“It’s a different game now, Cass,” JJ said softly. His hand was shaking more now. “You know I won’t shoot you, but you’re not so sure about this, are you?”

I was too afraid to open my mouth to respond. If I made even the slightest wrong move…

“Are you?” JJ demanded.

“No,” I admitted.

“This is what you wanted, isn’t it? You wanted vengeance. You wanted to fuck with my head. You wanted?—”

“I wanted you!” I shouted without thought. Thankfully, the finger he had resting against the trigger didn’t jump. It would take next to nothing for the gun to go off. “I wanted you, JJ! I wanted you back. I?—”

All the days I’d been locked in the room where no one could or would hear me bled together until this ugly darkness rose up inside me. “No one fucking told me, okay?” I raged. “Two days,” I ground out. “Two days of not knowing if you were alive or dead. Two days of staring at the only thing I had left of you… your blood beneath one of my fingernails.Yourfucking blood. I couldn’t stop it. No one came when I screamed for help. No one came.”

I sucked in a much-needed breath as I tried to tamp down my fury. “I watched you die, JJ. I saw it when you were walking toward me one second and then crumpling to the ground the next. I saw it when your eyes slid shut as I held you in my arms and begged… fuckingbeggedyou not to close them. I saw it when the cops slapped cuffs on me and dragged me away from your lifeless body. The last fucking image I had of you that night was watching the paramedics doing CPR on you. I tried to get back to you but there were too many of them. The cops shoved me into one of the police cars and that was it. They just drove off and I never saw you again. You died in my arms, JJ, and no one told me any different fortwo fucking days!”

My entire body was shaking violently as everything went cold inside of me. “Sully didn’t come. My grandmother didn’t come. My father didn’t come. Not one of the all-so-important Ashbys came. I had to hear that you were alive from that fucking excuseof a lawyer they assigned to defend me! I would have traded a thousand lifetimes in prison for those two days.”

I was panting like I’d just run a marathon, and at some point, I’d unknowingly dropped my eyes to the floor. I jerked my head up. The rush of relief when I saw that JJ had lowered the gun to his side nearly sent me to my knees. I ran my fingers through my hair in an effort to gain control of my runaway mouth.

“Yes, JJ,” I admitted. “For about five seconds after I walked out of that place, I wanted you to hurt like I hurt. I wanted answers. I wanted to know why you never came to see me. I wanted to know why you weren’t at my trial. I wanted… I wanted you to know that I died that night too. I had no idea that you… that you…”

“Didn’t remember,” JJ softly supplied.

I managed a nod. “Sully told me about it after that day on the canyon road. The day I kissed you for thesecondtime.”

JJ looked lost as he stared at the ugly lime green carpet beneath our feet. “Why couldn’t you just let me keep living the lie, Cass? I knew who I was there. I knewwhatI was. All those men…theyknew what I was. I didn’t hurt in that place.”

“All youdidwas hurt in that place,” I countered. I slowly made my way to him. He didn’t step back, and he didn’t raise the gun. He didn’t even flinch when I removed the weapon from his hand.

“See, Cass, that’s the truth. Right there,” JJ whispered.

I shook my head in confusion.

“Youwantto believe that I’m still whatever version of myself I used to be. Your JJ didn’t drink all night, every night. Your JJ didn’t let random guys fuck him. Your JJ didn’t get on his hands and knees in a shitty alley so whoever wanted a piece of him could have it. Your JJ wouldn’t have pretended that everything was okay… thathewas okay.” His voice cracked on the last word.

I reached my free hand out, but he stepped back.

“Your JJdiddie that night, Cass. Now this version of JJ—this incredibly fucked up, selfish, ugly version, has to live with knowing he will never be what you want him to be, what youneedhim to be. He…Ican’t be someone I don’t remember. I deserve this,” he said as he motioned to the empty room. “I know that. I know I deserve every second of what’s happened and so much more. I know I have to find a way to live with the knowledge that you spent two years in that fucking hellhole because of me.Ideserve that.Idid that. Me. This version of JJ,” he continued, placing his hand over his heart.

I shook my head because none of it was true. I needed him to know that. I needed him to understand. “JJ?—”

He caught me off guard when he stepped forward and captured my mouth with his. The kiss was slow and deep.

Desperate.

JJ’s hands framed my cheeks as his tongue slid against mine. I quickly caught up and kissed him back.

“You said you missed me. This morning in the shower. Do you remember, Cass?” His words were dotted with soft kisses that filled me with fear.

JJ wasn’t kissing me because he knew deep down that we’d be okay.

He was kissing me because he knew we wouldn’t.

I shook my head but with JJ’s hands holding my face, my denial was muted at best. His mouth captured mine again, but it still wasn’t the kind of kiss I wanted…needed. It wasn’t the kiss that promised me a future with him.

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