Page 34 of Proof

“You want all the details, Cass?” JJ asked as he straightened in his chair and took a sip from the coffee. His behavior answered my question. I was going to become one of those men. He was going to use me, albeit in a different way, to escape his true emotions. JJ was going to use every weapon in his arsenal to attempt to shock, disgust, and anger me so I would do what all those other men had done—use him and throw him away.

It wasn’t going to happen.

I didn’t answer him because anything I said was unimportant. The only way JJ would begin to recover from hisown wounds was to start lancing them. It wouldn’t be something that could be tackled in a single conversation. I had no way of relating to what he’d gone through after the shooting, just like he’d never be able to understand what I’d experienced from the moment his body had crumpled to the wet asphalt and I’d literally felt his life’s blood draining out of him.

“Do you want to knowhowthe guys fucked me? I mean, like the positions and stuff? Or if they were rough or not? Or did you want to know howmanyguys fucked me?” JJ asked coldly, his voice even. I was already losing him to wherever he went when he couldn’t deal with what was in front of him.

“Let’s see,” he continued mockingly as he pretended to think. “Well, when I no longer had to shit into a colostomy bag, I figured I’d show off my fresh and shiny asshole to anyone who wanted to see it.”

I kept my mouth shut because anything I said or asked would only feed into his rage.

“Took me a while to get my first come, first served ass out there, though, seeing as how I had to learn how to walk, talk, eat… well, let’s just say I was basically a tall, drooling, useless toddler because the bullet you put into my head took more than just my memory. You literally stole an entire year of my life, Cass. You took my dignity, my control?—”

“Your trust,” I interjected since that was the crux of the issue. He’d told me himself that I’d taken away his ability to trust anyone.

“Why did you trust me, JJ?” I asked. “Yeah, you knew me for the three yearsbeforeI left to join the Marines, and we saw each other a few times after that when I was on leave or between deployments, but why put so much trust inme? We were grown men by the time I was done with my last tour. You had your own life… you were a respected cop who was going to climb the ranks in no time. You had a loving and supportive father and brother,so it makes sense that you trustedthemwith your life. But why me? Why trustmewith yourlife? That’s what you did, right? I mean, you had to becauseIcould only destroy your trust ifyou’dgiven it to me.”

My words knocked him out of his momentary escape from reality. I was treading a fine line between telling him the truth about our previous relationship and letting him remember it on his own.

“Is that one of the questions that torments you?” I asked. “Is it theonlyone that sends you to places like Tank’s or were there other reasons? Why is it so easy for you to trust that whatever guy is fucking you won’t take it too far and end up killing you, but you don’t trust those closest to you enough to confide in them that you aren’t okay? How many men fucked you without condoms? How many of them put you at risk day after day? Did you trustthem?”

I paused briefly to let JJ respond but he didn’t. He kept his eyes on mine, but I could tell he was waging some kind of internal war. He needed to either really hear my words or mentally escape me, and neither side had won out yet.

“I didn’t see a condom on either of the guys who put you on your knees last night so they could fuck you from each end. The guys waiting for their turn had bare dicks, too. They wanted to be able to jerk themselves off as they watched the gangbang play out. Some were probably waiting for their turn, some were probably smart enough not to fuck a guy who could be carrying only God knows what, so they just watched and planned to jerk themselves off while you were taking it from both ends. Maybe the ones waiting in line had condoms in their pockets, maybe they didn’t. I undressed you last night. Not a condom in sight. No lube, either. Most guys probably just spit on their dicks before they shoved them inside you, right?”

I knew I was letting my anger get the better of me, but I couldn’t stop. The image of JJ in that alley had taken over every cell in my body.

“Lube makes it easier on the guy getting fucked but it doesn’t feel as good for the one doing the fucking. And shooting your load into a guy—well, there’s no better feeling, or so I’ve been told, anyway. I’ve never done it that way but since you’ve been bottoming for a while,youcan tell me if it feels good to have a stranger’s spunk dripping from your asshole. Actually, with all the loads you’ve taken at one time, I bet it made you come over and over, didn’t it? Or did you not feel anything at all? I guess I’m just confused,” I continued. “You literally put your life at risk with every guy who fucked you and yet you never kissed?—”

“Enough!” JJ snapped. He was seething with fury. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he launched himself over the table and pummeled me until I wouldn’t be able to say another word.

“You wanted to know why I was there last night, right?” he spat. “So let’s go back to that. Let’s see, last night…” JJ paused as he pretended to try and remember the events from the previous day. “Well, I guess when this fucker I knew decided it would be fun to play mind games with me, I needed a break from having to think about how badly I wanted to beat the shit out of said fucker.”

“I don’t think that’s what you wanted to do to the fucker,” I said. “I think you were so humiliated and ashamed that you’d letthatparticular fucker kiss you that you needed to find a different fucker to give you what you wanted. Escape. Peace. How many guys does it take to get those things and how long do those feelings last? Till the next night? Or maybe just for as long as it takes for the train of men to finish with you? Are there enough men on the planet to take your pain away for good, JJ?”

“I don’t know. AmIthe only guyyoucan’t let get away? Am I the only one who makes it easier to forget what it was like beinglocked in a tiny prison cell with no way out? No way to move freely, make choices for yourself, maintain some shred of dignity in a world designed to take that from you? How many guys’ heads do you need to toy with to findyourescape?Yourpeace?”

“None,” I responded easily. “No man, no person, can give me that. I have to make peace with myself. I have to find a way to stop needing to escape. Believe me, if I could have just left this place and never looked back, I would have done it the second I walked through the first door that turned me from a convict to a free man. There’s no outrunning the shit we’ve both been through. And yes, I know, I deserve all that shit because I brought it on myself,” I said, making sure to say the last line with a heavy dose of sarcasm.

“I didn’t say that,” JJ retorted. Nowhewas the one catchingmeoff guard.

He tipped his head for a moment. “Okay, maybe I have said it, but I guess…”

I held my breath as I waited for him to say he hadn’t meant it, but the words didn’t come.

“I need to call my brother. He’s probably already losing his shit because I haven’t come home or called in,” JJ said, crossing his arms in quiet defiance.

“Who do you think drove us up here and took my car back home?” I asked as I prepared myself for the impending blow-up.

“You’re lying,” JJ said quietly. He shook his head but kept his eyes on mine. “He would never do that. He hates you as much as I do, maybe more.”

“Fine,” I said. “Believe what you want. I’ll leave that part of the conversation between you and your brother when he comes to get us.”

JJ snorted. “Sure,he’sgoing to come and get us. Is he bringing Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny with him?”

I sighed. God, I’d forgotten how stubborn the real JJ was. I’d loved and hated the quality at the same time. Despite his kind, sweet nature, he’d never backed down from any challenge. He was loyal to a fault until you did something to betray that loyalty. He protected the people he loved. It was one of the traits that had made him such a great cop.

Didmake him a great cop.

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