Page 71 of Proof

Away from me.

CHAPTER 22

Jj

There was no mistaking the look in Cass’s eyes the second I’d turned the tables on him. I had him—myCass—where I needed him. I hated the game we were about to engage in, but I needed him back in the state of mind he’d been experiencing in the bathroom when he’d made his heartbreaking admission. The last thing I wanted to do was put him through more pain, but if I didn’t take this one chance, there’d be no future for us.

I hadn’t planned on asking him to take me to his place, but seeing the defeat in Cass’s frame as he’d hung over that sink had torn me to shreds. I’d just wanted a chance to undo some of the hurt I’d inflicted both at the cabin and the park’s bathroom. Once again, the first thing I’d done when I’d jumped to the conclusion that he’d been mocking me for my extreme reaction to him not kissing me had been to escape. While I’d watched Cass’s behavior after his startling admission that he didn’t want to lose me for a third time, an ember of hope had begun to burn inside of me. What if there was a chance that he could feel something for the man I was rather than the one I’d been before a bullet had changed everything? The things I’d wanted to say—and there were a lot of them—were things he’d deserved to hearin any place other than a foul, dirty bathroom with the threat of my brother or his men showing up at any moment.

I knew Cass hadn’t intended to admit his inability to lose me for a third time, but ironically, they’d been the words I’d needed to hear to be sure of everything. There was still a landfill’s worth of shit between us that needed to be dealt with, but between his words and the vulnerability he’d tried to hide from me after I’d once again gone batshit crazy on him, I’d finally been able to solidify many of the emotions that had held me hostage for two long years.

Cass could have easily let me flee that bathroom thinking he’d rejected me because he’d finally accepted that Iwasn’this JJ or that my past behavior with strange men and reckless sex had disgusted him more than he’d been willing to admit.

Instead, he’d kept me there and taken all the internal rage and despair I’d thrown at him, both physically and verbally, until he’d had me in a place where I’d had no choice but to hear him.

Toreallyhear him.

If I’d been a better man, I would have let him go at that point. I would have quietly stood and walked out of the bathroom as he’d gotten the paper towels wet, presumably so he could wash my face. But that single look he’d given me in the mirror’s reflection had told me everything I’d needed to know.

Cass still wanted me.

He’d seen me at my worst in every possible way and yet he still wanted me. Did he love me? The me that I was now? The me who still couldn’t remember the first time Cass had touched me when he’d returned home from his final deployment? The touch he’d wished had never happened?

I couldn’t answer those questions. As afraid as I was of the answers, they weren’t what I wanted now.

What I wanted was to put Cass first for a change.

The man had spent weeks putting my needs above his own. My physical well-being, safety, and emotional needs had been his only priority, but I hadn’t been strong enough to do the same for him.

I wasn’t sure I was strong enough now, but I wasn’t going down without a fight. Ididhave things I needed to say to him, but I also needed him tohearthem and in the current state he was in, his ears and his mouth may as well have been stuffed full of cotton.

“A tour,” Cass said, his voice holding not even an ounce of the emotion he’d shown in the bathroom. If anything, he sounded like a hunter waiting to spring his trap on some unsuspecting creature who hadn’t seen it coming.

Except I knew what was coming.

Cass hadn’t been the only one watching and listening and learning during our encounters.

“Yeah, a tour. That’s not a problem, is it?” I asked innocently as I took another sip of my water. It was all I could do not to smile when Cass’s hard eyes flickered to my lips before following my Adam’s apple as I swallowed.

“No problem,” Cass said easily. He kept his back to me as we moved around the lower living space of the boat. Like the log cabin, the decor was outdated, and each room had a musty smell to it. Since he wasn’t turning on any lights as we moved about the boat, I could only see glimpses of each space from one of the many lampposts that lined the pier as well as the slip the houseboat was docked in.

“How long have you been staying here?” I asked. I wasn’t really listening to his explanation of each room because it was all a facade. Maybe one day he’d tell me more about the place in detail, but it wouldn’t be tonight.

“A while,” was all Cass said in response. He was several feet in front of me and seemed intent on keeping that amount ofdistance between us, no matter how tight the quarters became. It wasn’t until we headed back to the kitchen that I pretended to trip. I grabbed the back of his shirt in the process but instead of letting me fall, Cass spun and wrapped his big arm around my waist.

“You okay?” he asked worriedly.

Thiswas my Cass.

“Yeah, sorry,” I said as I leaned into him and pretended to test my ankle. “I’m good.”

Cass’s eyes went from compassionate and worried to cold and angry within a matter of seconds.

God, I really didn’t want to have to play this game with him. It wasn’t who we were. Even if I couldn’t remember who we’dbeen, I knew deep in my heart that we hadn’t been this. We hadn’t used mind games on one another to get what we wanted.

I remained silent for the rest of the tour and used every opportunity that the external lights offered to study the way Cass carried himself. I remembered the walk we’d taken right before I’d had an episode with the pain in my head. He had been so sweet and gentle as he’d maneuvered me to the log and let me rest my head on his shoulder as he’d distracted me by admitting that I, even in my naive state of childhood innocence, had given him a different perspective on the world when we’d been younger.

“There you go,” Cass said as we reached the far end of the boat. “I’ll get my keys.”

---