Page 68 of Proof

Every part of me froze when Cass dropped his eyes, pulled his hand back and shook his head in mute acceptance of whatever he was about to say.

“I’ve lost you twice now, JJ. I just… I can’t do it again.”

CHAPTER 21

Cass

As much as I wanted to take the words back, I couldn’t. Just like everything else when it came to JJ, I’d fucked things up again.

For one, I never should have dragged him into a place that was so small that there’d be no way to keep my hands off him.

Second, I most definitely shouldn’t have tried to fool myself into believing I could have JJ in my arms again and then just as easily let him go when our desires were momentarily satiated. He’d pretty much given me the green light to do what I wanted by suggesting we ignore the boundary line that was keeping us apart.

Finally, and most of all, I shouldn’t have been anywhere near JJ to begin with. I shouldn’t have been sitting in my rental car night after night watching Sully’s men build a safe perimeter around his home. I hadn’t even been able to physically see JJ on any of those nights and yet I’d kept returning to the same spot simply so I could be near him.

Just like the night he’d been shot, JJ’s disappearance from my life a second time had nearly destroyed me. The fact thathe’d voluntarily left me when he’d walked out of the cabin had disintegrated what was left of my heart.

Or so I’d thought.

Obviously, a few shards had been left behind. It was the only explanation for my behavior. I’d wanted to be with JJ from afar, but I wasn’t strong enough to take what he was freely offering. Yet here I was, watching the man who had been and always would be my other half, being ripped apart by my own cruelty and stupidity.

When I’d pulled back from the near kiss, I’d only been thinking about the need to shield myself from another round of crippling despair. Once I’d realized how JJ had interpreted my defection, I’d been desperate to make him understand that my behavior had been out of a need for self-preservation and not because he’d done anything wrong. I just hadn’t wanted to admit it out loud.

I hadn’t given any thought to the humiliation JJ would feel because of my rejection. His over-the-top reaction hadn’t made sense until he’d mentioned being tested. It was only then that I’d realized he believed I’d pulled back from the almost kiss because of the things he’d done at Tank’s.

I’d never once judged JJ for all the things that had happened at Tank’s. How could I? He hadn’t gone there because he’d enjoyed what those men had done to him. He’d gone there because he’d needed to escape and for whatever reason, reckless, degrading sex and copious amounts of alcohol had given him a sense of false peace that had worked long enough to get him through the rest of the hours of each day. If anything, I’d wanted JJ even more because his behavior had been proof that he’d been hurting just like me. But I’d never told him that. Not directly, anyway. In fact, I’d cruelly used it against him during one of our “discussions” at the cabin. I’d talked down to him likehe’d been some stupid kid jumping from one guy to another just for the thrill of it.

My raw admission that I couldn’t go through losing him for a third time hadn’t made things better.

The fact that JJ didn’t even try to move when I lifted my weight off of him and stood was proof enough that all I’d done was even more damage. I opened my mouth to try and explain that everything was on me, that he’d done nothing wrong, but I couldn’t speak. My throat had closed up and my eyes stung from the tears I’d helplessly shed as I’d witnessed JJ’s violent reaction to my inadvertent cruelty.

I turned and went to the sink to moisten some of the cheap, thin paper towels that were meant for people to dry their hands with. I moved slowly because I was desperately trying to figure out how to undo what I’d done. The sound of shuffling behind me had me looking in the mirror. The reflection showed JJ now standing. He didn’t go for the door, though. He stood quietly and stared at me. My eyes held his for several beats before I forced myself to look down so I could pretend to focus on what I was doing. Although I’d meant the paper towels for JJ so he could clean his face, the fact that my hands were shaking was proof that at some point those paper towels had become a prop. Something to keep me from having to face him again. The adrenaline that had been pumping through my blood during the struggle was starting to dissipate and all of the emotions I’d tucked away after JJ had walked out of the cabin began to come back in brutal, painful punches.

The military had taught me how to survive under the most extreme and demanding physical conditions as well as how to keep my cool in the most high-pressure situations that would have left most men folding, but I had no control over my feelings when it came to the one man standing behind me. How was that possible?

I flinched when I felt a light touch skim over my back. I should have been able to look up and face JJ like a man, but I was too weak.

“I never should have touched you,” I murmured as I sensed rather than saw JJ move around me so that he was at my side. I shook my head. “That first night when I came back, I never should have touched you. I should have left your house the second I realized…”

I fell silent because what else was there to say? I’d already said and done enough stupid things tonight. Piling on more was pointless.

JJ didn’t respond to my words. Instead, I felt his fingers close over mine but only so he could remove the wet paper towels that were crumpled up in my fist. I let him take them. I didn’t want to look at him so I kept my head down, but when I felt his fingers close around my upper arms so he could turn me, I didn’t stop him.

Instead of wiping the wet towels over his face, he began wiping them over mine. His touch was gentle, and his eyes followed his fingers as if he was afraid of missing a spot. The intimate act made my internal pain both better and worse at the same time.

Upon finishing, I remained where I was as JJ quickly wiped down his own face. At one point, he sent me a small, sheepish smile, like he too couldn’t make sense of how we’d ended up standing in front of a dingy mirror in an even dingier bathroom looking rumpled and tousled like we’d been engaging in a good kind of physical encounter instead of a bad one.

“I have a lot of things I need to say to you, Cass, but I don’t want to do it here. I know that you don’t want to be near me anymore and I accept that and want to respect it, but I don’t want to say goodbye like this,” JJ said as he motioned to the spot where we’d been unleashing our emotions on one another.

Despite all the warning bells going off in my head and the vow I’d taken to stay away from JJ in a last-ditch effort to not have to experience the pain of losing him for a third time, I simply nodded. Truth was that the man standing before mewasn’tthe same person who’d told me I needed to let the old JJ go. His doubts and insecurities still consumed him, but he hadn’t been afraid to stand up to me, and now he was asking to do the mature thing and end whatever this thing was between us the right way.

He’d been right about not being the same person that I’d started seeing two years ago, but he’d been wrong about me needing to mourn that JJ. The reality was that I’d only had enough time to get to know bits and pieces of that JJ before he’d been taken from me. I’d seen glimpses of the current JJ in the one who’d nearly died in my arms. He’d had passion two years ago but now I knew he was also passionate. He’d been shy and reserved two years ago, but I saw those same qualities now too. The man he’d been had been forced to adjust to the man he’d become. I might have experienced love at first sight two years earlier, but I now understood what being in love really meant. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that whether it had happened two years ago or yesterday, it was the same thing. I was in love with JJ.

Period.

End of statement.

There were no caveats, no conditions, no concessions.

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