Page 67 of Proof

“I’ll be fine,” I stammered. “I’m armed and I made sure I wasn’t followed.” I tugged on the door as hard as I could, but it wouldn’t budge. The shame was like a living thing inside of me. Despite all of the self-bravado talk I’d engaged in with myself as I’d searched Cass out, the reality was that no matter how much I wanted him, he’d finally come to his senses and realized it wasn’t me he really wanted. He’d been in the park for one reason and one reason only.

To protect me.

It would never be anything more than that, no matter how much I tried to be a better man.

“Fine, call Sully. He’ll come—” I began.

“I’m not talking about that kind of safe,” Cass said, his voice achingly gentle. It just made everything worse. How could he be so calm while my entire world felt like it was imploding?

If he wasn’t talking about my physical safety, then what the hellwashe talking about?

Oh God…

“I got tested,” I barked. “I mean, I know it doesn’t matter, but I asked Sully to take me to a clinic and somehow I tested negative for everything, but I need to be retested?—”

“JJ—”

I ignored Cass’s attempt to get my attention. I hadn’t meant to admit anything about getting tested for sexually transmitted diseases because he had already made it clear that a physical relationship wasn’t going to happen. The mere thought that Cass had been worried about picking something up from me because of my reckless sexual behavior was another level of humiliation Ijust couldn’t take. It was something I ultimately would have told him if things had gone differently, but to actually confront the truth about the real reason he’d stopped short of kissing me was unbearable.

When Cass continued to hold the door closed, my flight response changed to fight. I turned and slammed my hands against his chest. He grunted but didn’t let go of the door. I didn’t have enough room to throw a punch, so I went for every other self-defense tactic I’d been trained in. None of it worked because I had no strength left.

Physical or emotional.

I let my back slide down the door until I was sitting on the floor. I couldn’t stop the sobs that poured out of me. I choked on the unleashed screams in my throat and tore at my hair in the hopes of gaining control of something…anything. In what universe would I ever be normal? I’d had my shot with Cass two years earlier and even though it had been taken from me, that didn’t mean I could have it back just because I wanted it to be that way. I couldn’t change myself into a better version of me overnight. Not after everything I’d done.

“JJ, stop!” Cass shouted. His hands wrestled mine away from my hair. He was crouching in front of me but as soon as I tried to crawl away from him, he dropped his body so his weight was pinning me down. I fought like a wild animal, but it was all to no avail.

“Let me go, Cass. Please,” I begged when fight joined flight in leaving my body. I was weak and wrecked. I didn’t know up from down or left from right. I couldn’t see anything because my eyes hurt so bad from the tears. Despite begging Cass to release me, I wouldn’t have been able to move if he had. At most, I would have lain down on the dirty linoleum floor and wished for the silence of death that had threatened to take me two years earlier.

“JJ, look at me. I need you to understand why I had to stop what was about to happen between us,” Cass ordered.

Five minutes ago, I would have complied with the order to look at him. Instead, I tucked my head against my right arm as best as I could considering Cass still had a hold of me. Thankfully, the tears had stopped, or at least slowed, but it didn’t really matter. I wouldn’t be able to pull myself together as long as he loomed over me.

“Goddamn it, look at me!” Cass shouted. I flinched at the anger in his voice. I reminded myself that he had the right to be angry with me. He had the right to hate me for everything I’d let happen to him.

I owed him a response and if the response was that he wanted me to look at him, so be it. Sitting on that bathroom floor, covered in tears and God only knew what else, my skin red and hot, I could easily say I’d never been at a lower point in my entire life. I would have gladly taken the moment Cass had found me in the alley behind Tank’s over what was happening now.

“Don’t you fucking do this to me again,” Cass practically snarled when I was slow to respond to his demand. I wasn’t sure what he meant but it didn’t matter. I lifted my eyes to meet his. I could barely see him through the remaining blur of tears that hadn’t fallen. When I lifted my arm a little, I was surprised to find that Cass released it. I used my sleeve to wipe my face as best as I could. The move meant I could see Cass better.

I was stunned to see silent tears sliding down his face.

Oh God, had I inadvertently hurt him when I’d been trying to escape his hold? I hadn’t thought I’d done any damage to him, but what if I had?

“Cass—” I croaked.

“It’s not safe forme, JJ,” he growled.

I wasn’t sure I heard him right until he repeated the words. Even then, I had no clue what he was talking about. Had hefound something out and whoever had shot me was hunting him now? All of my humiliation was swept away like it had never been.

“Oh God, Cass, who?—”

Cass closed his eyes and shook his head. “It’syou, JJ. I’m not safe fromyou.”

The admission had me releasing him and pulling back but I didn’t have anywhere to go.

“No… no, I would never—” I stammered before Cass placed his fingers gently over my mouth to silence me. He looked completely broken. A shell of who he’d once been. I didn’t want him to say any more because it was starting to make sense now. He’d prevented me from leaving the dingy little bathroom because he’d wanted to explain why he’d backed off instead of kissing me. He wasn’t afraid of me giving him something I’d picked up from some stranger.

It was so much worse than that.

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