Page 59 of Proof

A familiar sound broke through the sensation of someone cutting my head open with a chain saw. Brakes squealed as the rumble of my brother’s truck announced his arrival. I’d propped the door open as soon as I’d entered the room because I’d known that a locked door would do nothing to stop my brother from getting in. If anything, he would’ve broken the thing down.

Even though I knew it was Sully entering the room, I still couldn’t stop myself from whispering, “Cass?”

“He’s not with me, little brother,” Sully quietly responded. I wasn’t sure I’d ever heard him speak so softly. I kept my eyes closed because if I opened them now, the light, as dim as it was, would blind me and send me to the floor.

I heard the curtains being drawn closed and then heavy steps were passing in front of me. If I’d been able to, I would have warned Sully about the vomit pooled in front of my feet.

The already sagging mattress dipped even more as Sully lowered himself to sit next to me. I could picture exactly how he looked.

I couldn’t remember my mother, but I’d seen pictures of her. She’d been short and thin. My father had been taller than his wife, but he’d been just as skinny. My father had often said Ilooked just like my mother, but he’d never said that to Sully. My brother had ended up being a foot taller than my father and instead of having a lean, rangy body, he was stockier and much more muscular than both me and my father combined. Sully had also always looked grim, even during brighter moments of our lives, so I figured that was how he looked now.

“Here,” Sully said before he eased my left hand down so he could put a couple of pills in my palm. It seemed to take forever just to get them into my mouth. As soon as I did, a bottle of water was placed between my fingers. I swallowed the pills. The water felt good as it flowed down my throat but as soon as it hit my stomach, I knew there was a good chance it would come right up again.

“He told you,” I murmured as I dropped my head so I could rest my elbows on my knees. Since Sully had closed the curtains and had the pain medication ready, I pretty much knew Cass had given up my secret. I didn’t care. I was grateful.

My brother briefly rubbed the back of my neck. “Yeah,” he responded, his voice still low and quiet.

I waited for Sully to scold me for not having told him myself about the physical issues I’d been dealing with, but all he did was intermittently rub his hand over my back. I felt bad because I knew how awkward it was for him when it came to showing any kind of emotion, especially through physical contact, but I didn’t want him to stop because it helped take my mind off the pain.

I had no idea how much time passed as we both sat without speaking, but I welcomed the silence. The pounding in my head had lessened enough that I could do what Cass had taught me the first time he’d had to deal with one of my episodes. He’d told me to focus on things around me using my other senses before opening my eyes.

Not surprisingly, the technique once again worked. When I finally got my grainy eyes open, I saw that the room was pitchedin darkness with only a small glimmer of light coming through the curtains.

Sully handed me the water again. I took a few more sips of it and then handed it back. I couldn’t stop myself from glancing at the room’s door to see if it was open or not.

It wasn’t.

“Where is he?” I asked.

“Gone,” Sully said. “I don’t know where. When Boone told me he’d picked you up, I called the satellite phone. Cass didn’t answer. I drove up to the cabin anyway. He wasn’t there. Neither was his gun. He left the files behind, though.”

Gone.

Cass was gone.

Just like you wanted.

I could practically see the smile that went along with the insidious voice in my head that had always beat out my gut when it came to making choices. It had prodded me on whenever I’d felt the urge to go to Tank’s. It had said uglier things to me than any of the guys who’d fucked me ever had. It had laughed victoriously whenever some guy had been pounding into me. The rougher the fuck, the louder the laugh. A shit ton of alcohol was the only thing that had ever silenced it.

Until Cass.

For the most part, the voice had left me in peace when I’d been with Cass.

“We were in a relationship, weren’t we? Cass and me?” I asked.

“Yes,” Sully responded. He handed me the bottle again and this time I kept it.

I straightened my body so I could look at the stream of light that entered through the window and cast its rays over my feet and the pool of puke between them. My attention was then drawn to the bottle of water in my hand. I hadn’t realized howbadly I was shaking until I saw the water sloshing around inside the bottle.

“Did he love me?” I asked.

“I can’t answer that,” Sully returned.

“Did I love him?”

Sully shifted slightly. He let out a soft breath of air. “I don’t know that either, JJ. I do know that whatever was happening between you two was real. I could tell by the way you looked at each other.”

“How long? How long were we together?” I asked. Tears stung the backs of my eyes. Although I already knew that I’d been in a relationship with Cass prior to the shooting, it wasn’t enough. I wanted to know everything that was still just one big blank in my head.

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