Page 45 of Proof

No, the desperation had been the kind that stemmed from fear.

The sudden shift in thought was enough of a reminder of what I was doing and why Ishouldn’tbe doing it.

Cass was exhausted and if he fell, he could be seriously injured, and I’d have no way of getting him help.

I eased my hand from his crease and swiftly but gently worked my way down the rest of his body until soap was sliding down the hair on his calves and disappearing into the drain. It took everything in my power not to focus on the fact that my position had me practically eye level with his ass. I could also see the shadow of his balls through his slightly spread legs.

I quickly stood up.

“I need to do the front,” I said shakily. How the hell was I going to do this?

Cass turned. He leaned heavily against the wall that was now at his back.

“I think I’m good now, JJ. Just give me a couple minutes and I’ll get out of your way.”

The statement caught me off guard. If he could have forced his cock to match the lack of desire in his voice, he probably would have. It was his eyes that couldn’t hold the lie.Theydidn’t match the disinterest in his voice.

Cass was giving me an out.

He was giving me an out that would ensure all the awkwardness and regret would be minimal the next time we saw each other. We wouldn’t have to talk about any of it. I wouldn’t have to analyze my feelings or try to come up with some explanation for my actions.

“Ineedto do the front,” I repeated shakily. The mere idea of stepping out of the shower made it feel like acid was burning me from the inside out.

I couldn’t take Cass’s offered opportunity to escape. I didn’t want to. If I did, I might as well have been back in that alley letting one guy after another use my body so I wouldn’t have been forced to think or feel.

Heat that had nothing to do with the water crawled up my neck. Cass had turned the tables on me without even trying. I didn’t give him a chance to protest. Instead, I stared at his chest and let my hands move on their own. Instinct was driving my physical connection with Cass, but my brain was at war with itself. I knew he was watching me. Studying me. Reading me.

I didn’t want to be read.

I didn’t want Cass to know how badly I wanted to keep going despite knowing I shouldn’t. I wanted him to choose. I wanted him to pick the JJ he saw standing in front of him and not the JJ who was too weak-minded to find some better way to deal with his shortcomings than letting strangers fuck him in dirty alleys.

Cass was physically weaker than usual at the moment, but he wasn’t helpless. He’d had no problem pushing me away in his motel room when things had gotten out of hand.

The difference was thatIneeded to make the choice this time. I’d have to choose whether this was the course I wanted to follow.

I’d given away my ability to make choices every time I’d walked through the door of Tank’s club. I didn’t have that luxury this time because Cass was nothing like the men from Tank’s. He wouldn’t let me casually throw away the decision to be with him or not.

I wanted to laugh because I’d made my choice the moment I’d woken up in his arms this morning.

But still…

God, I still wanted to hear the words. I needed to hear them from him.

“Say it, Cass,” I whispered as my fingers explored the muscles of his abdomen. “Please?—”

“Fuck, JJ, I need you,” he cut in. I glanced up to see his eyes staring heavenward as if he was asking God for forgiveness. When he looked down, his eyes held mine in a way that I couldn’t have looked away from even if I’d tried. His sapphire eyes were haunted with longing and despair. “Missed you so much,” he added and then he was pulling me forward. His mouth covered mine before I could respond or even process his words.

The kiss was like nothing I’d ever experienced before. My entire life had been about fulfilling the expectations of others, whether it was making my dad proud or behaving perfectly for Sully so I wouldn’t be such a burden to him. I’d always had to follow through on being the right version of JJ to the right people in my life.

Perfect son who did his dad proud by becoming the cop Sean Ferguson had never been able to be.

Perfect little brother who’d stolen his big brother’s dreams without even knowing it.

Perfect cop who stopped the bad guys.

Perfect patient who’d come back from his injuries despite the murmured whispers that he wouldn’t.

After all that, perfect was thelastthing I’d been.

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