Page 16 of Proof

Just like I hadn’t looked at any of the faces of the men who’d used my body the first few nights I’d gone to Tank’s after my disturbing run-in with Cass.

I would have liked to dismiss my pounding head as the result of drinking too much the night before, but I hadn’t had even a drop of alcohol when I’d gotten to Tank’s. I hadn’t had any guys, either. I’d sat at the bar for half an hour sipping a glass of club soda. Several men had come up to me and spoken things in my ear in an effort to steal me away from the bar, but I hadn’t responded to any of them. Not physically and not verbally.

There’d been only one man on my mind and while it had been a week since our encounter, thoughts of Cass and that kiss—that goddamn kiss—had taken up most of the real estate in my head for the entire seven days.

My run-in with Cass had sent me scrambling to Tank’s the second Axel and I had been relieved of duty for the day. I’d immediately tossed back enough shots of cheap scotch to make my head spin and then I’d let some guy tug me off the barstool and to the back of the club. We hadn’t even made it to the bathroom before the guy had pressed me face-first against the wall, yanked my jeans down and thrust himself inside of me. I’d lost track of how many men had taken me after that. I’d lost track of a lot of things.

Time.

Place.

People.

But not Cass.

My mind hadn’t been able to disconnect from reality like it always had before while nameless, faceless men used me. I hadn’t been able to lose myself in the haze where I was no longerJJ, the former cop turned fuck toy for complete strangers. The price to get to that place was high and included doing a lot of ugly shit, things I never would have even considered doing before a bullet had ripped through my brain, but once I was in there, the silence, warmth, and safety were worth it because I got to be any version of the JJ I wanted to be before I’d lost a chunk of my life to a bullet and endless darkness.

In that dreamlike place, I could be the kid who’d helped the guy I’d hero-worshipped build his dream car. It let me be the JJ who’d made both his father and brother so proud when he’d graduated from the LAPD police academy. The silence had given me permission to go back to any moment in my life that I wanted. Time always stopped in that place, and it let me remain hidden until the numbing effects of the alcohol wore off. When I was really lucky, I got to see the woman who’d given birth to me. I’d had to make up a voice for her because I couldn’t remember her real one, but I hadn’t been there to talk anyway. I’d just walked into my mother’s waiting arms and sobbed as she’d held me and promised me that everything would be okay.

Unfortunately, I hadn’t been able to find that peace again from the moment Cass had grabbed me on the side of that canyon road and kissed me. I’d tried to forget the feel of his mouth moving over mine by downing shots between a couple of rough fucks, but the place I’d needed to escape to hadn’t materialized, and I’d sat at the bar sipping club soda until I was sober enough to drive or at least hail my own cab.

The previous night had been my third night where I hadn’t even bothered to tie one on and let someone fuck me in the hopes of getting back to my dream world. In fact, I had physically cringed when any man had tried to touch me, and any drinks a guy had bought me in the hopes of buying my compliance had remained untouched. I would have given anything to say it was because my mind was preoccupied by thephysical danger I was in from Cass, but my bullshit meter had an annoying way of working when there was no alcohol to silence it.

The reality was that Iwasworried about Cass, but not because of any physical harm he might be looking to inflict upon me.

No amount of alcohol could wash away the taste of his kiss. I didn’t want just any guy holding me in place while he took control of my body. It was Cass’s weight pinning me against the trunk of his car that still made my dick throb with need a week after it had happened. My neck had continued to tingle where he’d grabbed me just before his mouth had covered mine. His heat, his strength, his beauty—everything about Cass had consumed my senses.

The most sickening part of every moment after Cass and I had kissed was the fact that any man who’d touched me from that night on had made my stomach cramp with more than too much liquor in its system. I hadn’t made it to my quiet place those first few nights, no matter how many guys had shoved their dicks inside of me or how many times I’d demanded to be fucked harder, faster, deeper. I’d never found physical satisfaction with any of the men I’d been with. Not a single one. That wasn’t what the guys had been for. They’d been to help me reach those too-short moments of peace. After Cass had kissed me and I hadn’t found that peace with any of the guys at Tank’s, it had gotten so much worse.

While I’d been sobering up at the bar or stumbling to my room after Tank had refused to return my car keys to me, there was only one thing I felt. This god-awful, unbelievable level of guilt.

Guilt.

I might not have exactly been proud of the things I did at Tank’s in the past, but I’d never felt guilty about any of it. So tofeel that powerful emotion every night from the moment Cass had kissed me was slowly eating away at me.

I owed the man nothing.

Less than nothing, if there was such a thing.

Yet even now, my stomach ached as shame ate away at my insides. It felt like… like being with all those guys the first few nights after Cass had kissed me had been wrong. Not because of the recklessness of my behavior but because every dick inside me, every hand holding me in place, every dirty word spoken in my ear had made it feel like I’d been giving something away that belonged to someone else.

In simple terms, I felt like I’d cheated on Cass.

That was when I’d switched from alcohol to club soda at Tank’s before going home. I hadn’t let any man touch me. I hadn’twantedany man to touch me.

Well, that wasn’t quite the truth.

There was one man…

“Where the fuck are those guys?” I heard Boone snap. His anger was enough to pull me from my thoughts of Cass. I realized we’d just driven through the actress’s driveway gate. I immediately saw the same thing Boone had.

No black SUV.

No guards.

The men we’d been sent to relieve had left their post early. Protocol stated that the client was never left without at least one Targes agent standing guard.

“Fucking mercenary wannabes,” Boone said angrily.

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