Page 27 of Love Harder

While I was just numb.

“And you couldn’t tell me this?” I ask because it’s not that hard.

It’s actually very simple.

He finally met my eyes, and all I saw was torture in his.

I was unmoved, however.

Those walls I spoke of? They were now a hundred feet high and made of nothing but barbed wire and electrified, just for good measure.

“I didn’t want to hurt you. I don’t like hurting people.”

“You hurt me by not talking to me. You hurt me by ghosting me. You hurt me by doing the one thing I asked you not to do.”

Again, he cast his eyes downward. “I know, and I’m sorry.”

And there was that word I so desperately wanted to hear…

Sorry.

That word bears so much significance and represents so much.

But now that I’ve heard it, did I feel better?

Was the sadness and pain which plagued me for months finally about to go away? Would I leave here exorcised of the demons of love and be able to find my happily ever after?

The answer is, sometimes, no amount of sorrys can make anything okay.

Yes, closure is nice, but does it lessen the pain?

No, it does not.

And that’s how I felt.

I still felt numb.

I still felt sad.

I still felt overcome with pain because I loved someone…but he didn’t love me back.

No amount of sorrys will ever fix that because I guess the song rings true; it’s too late to apologize.

“I don’t like confrontation.”

“Am I confronting you now?”

“No.”

“I just don’t understand how you could vanish like that.”

“Ten years is a long time, as you know,” he added as he knew all about my previous marriage. “Her family knows mine.”

Blah, blah, blah…

I tuned out after this because all I heard was excuses. All I heard was Ghost using elaborate words when only a few would have sufficed, and they were:I am selfish and dishonest, and would rather hurt you than hurt myself.

There are no justifications for his behavior.

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