Page 92 of Cashmere Ruin

“You’re not a coward.”

Was I talking out loud? Ah, well. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t. Dream logic and all.“I kind of am, though, aren’t I?”

“April—”

“I ran,” I cut him off, voice starting to crack. Like the glass I’m made of, this fragile thing I became. “I ran away from you. I could’ve faced you, but I ran. And I took your daughter.”

“That’s in the past,” Matvey says.

“Is it?” I whisper. “Because you still haven’t looked me in the eye.”

Silence.

“I know why.” I smile through the tears. It’s kind of comforting—having all the answers at last. “It’s because you hate me, isn’t it? But you don’t want to tell me that.”

“That’s not true.”

“You’re afraid I’ll do something. To myself or to her.”

“You’dneverhurt her,” he snarls. “Never.”

“I already did. I took her from you.”

“You brought her back.”

“No.Youdid. And now, I’m just in the way.”

“April, stop. Just?—”

“Even now, you won’t look me in the eye!” I cry out. “Why is everyone acting like this?April, April—can you all just forget mealready? I get it: I’m a burden. I’m stupid and pathetic and I can’t even be trusted with my own daughter. I can’t even be trusted as apartner.”

“Come inside. We’ll talk about this, just—come inside. Please.”

Please.In all his life, I doubt Matvey ever said that to anyone. More evidence that I’m dreaming this up.

But that’s alright. If this is a dream, then at least I can be honest.

“I suppose you weren’t all that wrong, though. You couldn’t trust me. Even my father couldn’t trust me.”

“Your father is scum,” Matvey spits back. “Don’t listen to a word he said. He’s not worth it.”

“And I am?” I laugh bitterly. “I wasn’t even worth an explanation when you got married. I wasn’t even worth an apology. Tell me, what exactly am I worth?”

“EVERYTHING!”

I open my eyes. The skyline blinks back, a bit hazier than reality, a bit sharper than a dream.

I almost fall, but Matvey’s voice anchors me. “You’re worth everything. I’m the one who’s not worthy of you.”

It’s a dream. It’s all a dream.

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not. For once, I’m not lying to you.”

Could my mind be any crueler? Conjuring up Matvey like this, making him say things he’d never say? Things I’ve been waiting all my life for someone to say to me?

“When you took—” A sharp inhale. “When you took her away, I was furious, yes. But I understand now why you did it.”

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