Page 30 of Cashmere Ruin

Guilt pierces my heart. I should be getting used to the feeling, shouldn’t I? Being the worst thing that’s ever happened to everybody. Instead, the pain just keeps getting worse.

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry, too,” I say shyly. “I put you in an impossible position. I wasn’t thinking about you, or what this would do to you, or to your relationship with Matvey. If anybody deserves an apology here, it’s you.”

I stroke my baby for courage as I speak. Nugget is a comforting weight in my arms—no,May, I remind myself. I’ll need to get the hang of that. Can’t keep calling her like food forever, can I?

But it brings back so many memories…

Next to me, Yuri shakes his head. “I putyouin an impossible position. I don’t know if… if Matvey told you yet, but I…”

I watch his face twist into an expression of pain. The petty part of me says I should let him stew a little longer. Unintentionally or not, he was the catalyst for my falling out with Matvey—the spark that lit the fire on our love. Afterwards, there was nothing left but ashes.

But the rest of me rebels against the thought: Yurihelpedme. More than that, he was the only one who did. The one who had the most to lose.

And I can’t watch him torture himself for one more second. “I know,” I reassure him. “It’s okay. I don’t blame you at all.”

“But it’s not okay! I?—”

“You protected your family,” I cut him off. “You did what you had to do. And so did I.”

Something flickers across his face then. Something like amusement. “You sound just like Matvey.”

I act surprised. “Yeah? Imagine that.”

There are other words, fighting to get out, but I lock them far away. Words Matvey said to me, and words he didn’t.

Say tome, that is.

A piece of advice to all thepakhansout there: if you’re going to argue with your brother, do it far away from the object of contention.

And maybe don’t shout so loud.

“You’d lie to April again?”

“I would.”

Last night, those words gutted me. For a hot second, I thought I’d never get back up. The regret I thought I saw in his eyes, the sadness—how long did it take for Matvey to rationalize his way out of it? A day? An hour? Or even less than that?

But I didget back up. Eventually. I dusted off my broken heart, picked up my baby, and got myself all the way back to my dear old cage.

If there’s one thing parenthood taught me, it’s to bleed in silence.

“Who knew it’d be this hard, huh?” I muse out loud. “Being parents?”

Yuri makes a choking noise in his throat. “I wouldn’t… know about that.”

Yeah, you do. You’re a dad in the making already.“Plenty of time to figure it out, though, right?”

“I guess,” he mumbles, uncomfortable the way only a new parent can be. He may be Matvey’s brother, but I could swear I see myself in his eyes: that big, neon sign flashing the wordsI Am Freaking TF Outwith every single blink. “It’s going to be at least six more months, and Petra—” Yuri halts, looking guilty. “Sorry. I probably shouldn’t mention her to you. Not after…”

“The wedding?” I list off the top of my head. “The forced heist? The hospital scare?”

“Don’t forget the kidnapping at gunpoint,” someone chimes in.

Our heads snap towards the door in unison. “Petya,” Yuri murmurs. “You shouldn’t…”

“—be here?” Petra fills in from the doorway. “Neither should she. I told you that motel was a shitty idea. Next time, leave the hiding to me.”

Petra.I haven’t seen her since that day at the Mallard. The day everything changed between us—and between me and Matvey.

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