Page 21 of Cashmere Ruin

I wonder if he’s feeling it, too—whatI’mfeeling. The chemistry between us, sparking back to life with a single touch. Or maybe it really is just pain, and I’m imagining things again. Like I imagined everything between us.

But Matvey refuses to give me a straight answer. “I’m fine.”

“You’re breathing harder.”

“I said I’m fine.”

More silence.Silence, silence, silence.Is that all that’s left of us? Is that all I can have? Is that all I deserve?

“April?” Matvey asks suddenly. “Are you… crying?”

Only then do I realize he’s right.

And then I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep it in any longer. “I hate this,” I finally blurt out. “I hate us. What we’ve become.”

“April—” Matvey tries to turn his head, but I steer it back around.

“Keep still,” I whisper.

A beat goes by in silence. Then: “Talk to me.”

“Talkto you?” I snap. “All I’ve ever done is try to talk to you! But no, you won’t tell me a single thing. You shut yourself away in your silence and leave me alone with my mind. Do you have any idea what that feels like? Being at the mercy of your worst thoughts, doubting every little thing? Wondering what you did to make it happen?”

“You didn’t do anything,” Matvey cuts in. “Marrying Petra was my choice. It had nothing to do with you.”

“Then why didn’t you just tellme that?” I cry out. “Why didn’t you tell me anything?”

I barely manage to tie off the suture. I’m crying so hard, I can’t see straight. It’s like the floodgates have finally reopened, every ugly thing ready to rush back out.

“I’m going crazy here, Matvey,” I whisper with the last of my voice. “I don’t know what’s real anymore, and it’s driving me crazy.You’redriving me crazy.”

I don’t expect him to answer. I’ve given up on it—figuring out what goes on in Matvey’s head.

Then, when I’ve finally lost all hope, Matvey speaks. “I meant it.”

“What?”

“I meant what I said earlier: I’m sorry. I didn’t tell you the truth.”

It takes me a moment to realize I haven’t imagined it. “About which part?” I sniffle. “The part where you said you didn’t want anyone else? That there was nothing between you and Petra? Or that you loved me?”

I could go on, but this time, it’s me who falls silent.

Because, all of a sudden, I catch a small tremor in Matvey’s frame. No, not a tremor: a dizzy spell.He’s lost too much blood, I realize.He’s going to pass out.

I jump back in front of him, holding him still. “Matvey!”

“The… the… b-baby…”

I frown. “She’s right here. She’s okay.”

“No, the baby. Petra’s baby.” With the last shred of focus, he looks straight at me. “I lied to you.”

“Now isn’t the time?—”

“It isn’t mine.”

I blink. “What?”

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