Page 165 of Cashmere Ruin

I laugh, dark and bitter. “How is that your fault?”

“Because it was obvious. Because all I had to do was listen to everything else. The way your family treated you, the way you expected to be treated—that’s the way I treated you, too. I didn’t mean to, but I did. I treated you as a second choice. And for that, there is no excuse.”

I feel like I’m dreaming. Like I’m passed out somewhere and hallucinating, letting my subconscious pour every word I’ve ever wanted to hear out of Matvey’s mouth into my sleeping ears.

If so, then it’s the cruelest dream I’ve ever had.

“You mean that?”

“I do,” he rasps. “Do you remember the letter you left me? When you went away?”

“How could I forget?”

“You said our baby deserved better than me. Better than a divided heart.”

“And I was wrong!”

“Yes, you were. But not the way you think.”

I clutch the door with all I have. I sink my nails into the wood, hoping something, anything will come from the other side. A single trace of warmth will do. A hint of his cologne. Proof that he’s real. That this is all real.

“How, then?”

“Because you deserved that, too. You also deserved better than a divided heart, April, not just our daughter. And you deserve it still.”

A divided heart.For so long, those words have haunted me, reminding me of my worst mistake. Our worst misunderstanding.

And yet, deep down, I felt them to be true. I didn’t know how, or why, but I feltthem. Deep down, I wasn’t ready to let them go.

Now, I finally know why. “What are you saying?”

“That you’ll always be first for me, April. You’ll always be first in my heart.”

My head spins. I’m forced to brace against the door, brace with all I have. My other hand rises to cover my mouth, to keep my sobs at bay for just a little longer.

Because no one has ever said that to me. All my life, no one has ever called me “first.”

No one.

“I can’t change what I’ve done,” Matvey says. “I can’t change the way I made you feel. And I can’t… I can’t break things off with Petra. Not yet.”

The whiplash almost knocks me to my knees. “But you said…”

“I know, and I mean it. But I have responsibilities, too. To my Bratva… and to myself. So I can’t divorce Petra right now.”

I knew it.Here I am, getting all my hopes up like some schoolgirl, and now… Now, we’re back where we started.

“I can’t accept that, Matvey.” I harden myself. “Either I’m first or I’m not. There’s no middle ground for?—”

“One month.”

I blink. “What?”

“One month,” he growls. “Give me one month to go through with the D.C. plan. That way, I can attack Carmine with the full force of my army.”

“And if you lose?”

“Then I’m done.”

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