Page 154 of Cashmere Ruin

“That’s different,” I protest. “That’s necessary.”

“Yes, and for how long?”

That question catches me off-guard. “What does that mean?”

“What else can it mean?” she half-sobs. “Do you even plan to marry me, Matvey? Or is this all we’re ever going to be?”

Of course I’m going to marry you.The words are halfway out already, but at the last possible second, they get stuck in my throat.

I can see the conversation playing out in my mind:When?

I don’t know.

Where?

I don’t know.

How?

I don’t fucking know.

That’s the simple truth of it: I do not know. “April…”

“Don’t,” she orders. I can tell she’s biting back tears, trying hard not to break down in front of me. To be strong.

“I want nothing more than to be married to you,” I tell her.

But she just gives me a sad, watery smile in return. “That’s not true.”

“It is.”

“No. You have your dreams, Matvey: yours and Petra’s. You want to conquer D.C., cut off the head of Carmine’s operation, get your prizes. Your revenge. Her recognition.”

“I thought you supported that,” I say bitterly. “I thought you agreed.”

“I do support you!” she says. “I support you both so much, you have no idea. But that’s just it, Matvey: These areyourdreams—yours and hers. Not yours and mine.” Her voice drops to a whisper. “Will there ever be room for those?”

I don’t know what to say. For the first time in my life, I’m left completely speechless. My rage has long ebbed away, leaving me empty as a shell.

Our dreams. All this time, I never even thought of that. Not with everything else I’ve got on my plate.

But if I start, what will happen to mine? My war? My revenge? No matter what, they’re the most important things. That’s what I’ve always told myself.

But do you still believe it?

Faced with my silence, April lifts her head high. “Go away. I need to be alone right now.”

“April—”

“Please,” she begs. “Just go.”

I don’t want to. Every cell inside me, every atom, is screaming at me not to do it.Don’t leave her. She’s yours.

But I do.

God help me, I do.

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