Page 138 of Cashmere Cruelty

She shakes her head. “You couldn’t have known.”

“I should have answered you.”

“Yes.” April quivers. “You should have.” But then her arms are around me, wrapping me in an embrace. “Next time, don’t forget.”

Next time.Just like that, she’s already forgiven me. After I made such a big deal of her breaking our rules with Charlie?—

After all that, she still can’t hold a grudge.

I don’t deserve her.The thought’s already out before I can push it back where it came from.She’s too good for me.

And then:This isn’t just about the baby anymore.

It’s a terrifying realization. When did I let myself get in so deep? Where’s the Matvey Groza I’ve always been? The iceman, thepakhan, the ruthless killer?

The one who doesn’t give a fuck about some woman?

But that’s the worst part. Thepakhanin me is right here, howling at the thought of somebody else touching what’s his. His child. Hisqueen.

I need to nip this shit in the bud. I need to go scorched earth. I’ve seen what feelings get you; I don’t want any part in it.

I won’t end up with a knife in my back.

I won’t end up like my mother.

“Besides,” April laughs through the tears, “I could’ve conked out one or two.”

I feel my lips twitch. “Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah. I had a frying pan.”

“Wish I could’ve seen that.”

April shrugs. “Next time.”

This would be so much easier if she yelled at me. If she started cursing my name, throwing stuff, hitting me. But this hasn’t been easy from the start. Why would that change now?

“There won’t be a next time,” I tell her.

April blinks up at me. “What do you mean?”

Aspakhan, I’ve had to make countless hard decisions. Long-term, split-second, life-or-death; everything comes down to me.

But none have been harder than the two decisions I’m about to make right now.

One: I will never touch April again.

Two…

“I mean that I’ll be here.” I look April in the eye. “I’m moving back in.”

41

MATVEY

It’s agony.

I didn’t sleep a wink all night, but that’s not the agonizing part. It was holding April through it, watching her chest rise and fall, brushing the dried salt off her cheeks.

---