Page 32 of Mended Hearts

ECHO

July 2014

Dylan and I are driving to a town I haven’t been back to in over thirteen years. Ever since I saw Dustin, I’ve been out of sorts. I’d like to say we’re driving there on the sole basis that I already miss Lynsie—which I do—but it’s not the driving force within me.

“How much longer?” Dylan asks.

I glance over and smile at my son, who is intently playing some game on his handheld PlayStation Vita. “Are you hungry? We can stop at the next food exit.”

“Yeah, I could eat.”

My nerves are a bit shot. Okay, more than a bit. More like completely frazzled at the ends. Far worse than any split ends I’ve ever seen. At least with those I can snip them away. Can’t do that with my nerves. Though it would be nice. Just a quick and easy trim, and I’d be all good.

That’s a lie.

The closer and closer we get to my past, the more frayed they seem to become. And if I was able to just snip away the deadness, I’d end up having none to nurture back together.

“Whatcha want to eat?” I ask my son as we stand in line.

“Number five with a mountain dew. I’m gonna go take a leak.”

I want to growl at his choice of word, but I don’t. In all reality, it could be worse. “Wash your hands.”

He looks back at me, curling his lip up. “Ma.” He shakes his head, then turns back around.

We sit in silence as he chows down on his hamburger, and I pick at, dismantle, and eat tiny bites of the fries I ordered. I don’t really have the stomach to order anything, but I can’t make it obvious that my anxiety is at its peak. I’m trying to play it cool. But it’s impossible. I’ve never been good at hiding my emotions—especially when I’m upset.

“So this town we’re going to”—Dylan breaks the silence, dipping a fry into his ketchup—“is this the same town my dad is from?”

For being such a simple question, it carries one hell of a punch. It’s fifty questions packed into one.

I’ve always been honest with Dylan. It’s something Brian and I agreed on from the get-go—the reason Dylan has his dad’s last name. But running into Dustin two months ago kind of wrecked that loyalty and trust thing I had going with our kid. As much as I wanted to run home that night and tell Dylan I saw his dad, there was no way I could. Far too many unknowns. I couldn’t even tell Brian. There’s no way I can tell him now. Not while they’re overseas together.

“Yes. Yes, it is,” I finally reply.

“Cool,” he acknowledges. His face seems more accepting now that he’s come to that conclusion, and I love the fact that he gothis go-with-the-flow demeanor from his father. “Think you can show me around?”

“I’d love to.” I smile at the idea but dread it as well. I just hope I’m able to keep it together in front of my son.

“Good. I’d also like to meet my grandparents while we’re there.”

I choke on a fry. “What?” I cough, then slurp a drink of my soda.

“Aren’t my dad’s parents still there?”

I stall. I know for a fact they are because that’s one of the reasons Dax and Lynsie moved there. But I can’t tell him that. And there’s no way I’ll be introducing him to his father’s parents before I introduce him to his father.

“Honestly, I don’t know,” I lie. “Let’s just worry about seeing one set of grandparents for now.” I raise a brow, knowing he loves spending time with my parents.

His eyes light up with excitement at the realization. “You didn’t tell me I was going to get to see them.”

“I didn’t really get to plan any of this out in advance. With everything that’s been going on and all. I just have a lot I need to figure out.”

“Ma,” he says, bringing my attention back to him. “Add you and Grandpa making up to your list.” He tosses his last fry in his mouth and crumples his trash together in a ball. “He misses you.”

I want to counter and say,“He’s the adult…he’s had plenty of chances to reach out and hasn’t.”But my father isn’t the only one at fault for this continued rift. I’m also an adult, and if we both wait for the other person to make amends, it’ll never happen. We’re too much alike. And truth be told, I miss my dad, too.

I nod in agreement. “You’re right. It’s time for me to stop running from my past.” I let out a heavy breath and relax myshoulders. It’s as if coming to terms with what needs to be done has lessened what I’ve been carrying for so long.

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