Page 3 of Fallen Saint

He's constantly in my space, reminding me how much I love him and why. Every single freaking day, I see him, and I have to remember that he'll never be mine—at least not the way I want. And I do mean that I see him every freaking day. We're on the road together, at shows together, at practice together, doing interviews together. We spend all of our free time together. He's in my space twenty-four hours a day most days.

I can't take it anymore…which is precisely why I'm quitting after this tour.

Saint and Jace already know I'm leaving. Telling them was brutal, but it was also a relief. They aren't happy about it, but I think they both know why I want to leave. They both asked if Declan knew yet, and they both told me it was up to me to tell him.

As if I haven't dreaded doing it since I made the decision to quit.

I can't put it off any longer. My last show as a member ofVengeful Saintswill be next month. I have to tell him tonight.

I don't know how he'll take it, but I'm nervous as hell to find out. He's my best friend. Even if he doesn't love me the same way, I know he cares about me. He's always been so freaking good to me. It's going to break his heart to find out that I'm leaving and that I didn't even discuss it with him.

The thought of hurting him kills me. That's the last thing I want. But I can't keep hurting myself anymore, either.

"Why don't you come to my place, Rebel? I'll cook," he says, recalling my attention.

"You cooked last time."

"Mmhmm. And I'll cook this time, too."

"You know I can cook, too, right?" I ask, not entirely convinced he knows this. Nine times out of ten, he cooks. He usually doesthe cleaning up afterward, too. He's basically the perfect man: hot, talented, protective, and highly capable. He just doesn't see me the same way I see him.

It's really not fair.

And this is what kills me. He's so damn good to me, but he doesn't see what's right in front of him. How is he so oblivious? Am I really that good at hiding it?

"Pen, just come over," he sighs like I'm getting on his damn nerves. "I'll cook."

"Fine," I huff, though I'm not really annoyed. I secretly love that he spoils me, but it makes me sad, too. I don't want to be his spoiled bestie. I want his ring on my finger more than I want air.

"In fact, you don't even need to go home," he says, leaning down to scoop my bag off the floor. "Just follow me to my place."

"I need to shower."

"Why?" His eyes slowly run down my body, making my core clench. "You look perfect."

My heart does that stupid fluttering thing again.

Life would be so much easier if he had at least one fatal flaw, but he doesn't.

No one has ever taken care of me the way he does. I grew up without much family. The family I did have was always too busy trying to change me to actually get to know me. My parents wanted a doctor or a lawyer, not a plus-size drummer. But since meeting Declan and the band, I feel like I finally know what it's like to belong somewhere. I know what it's like to be accepted exactly as I am. It doesn't matter what crazy thing I tell him or what I do, he's always there for me.

Even when he's mad as hell at me, he shows up. We had a big fight about a year ago. I don't even remember what we were arguing about, probably Saint. But I got in a minor accident about five minutes from my house, which is half an hour from his place. He drove all the way over there just to make sure Iwas okay and then held me while I cried. The next morning, he took my car to the shop, dealt with my insurance company, and everything. He never even mentioned the fight. He just showed up and took care of everything, just like always.

The day he falls in love with someone else is the day my world implodes.

I don't want to be here when it happens. I can't work beside him every single day and smile while he loves someone else. I won't freaking survive it. And sooner or later, it's going to happen. Now that Saint is better, the rest of us can't keep our lives on hold indefinitely. Jace is already dating someone. It won't be much longer until Declan follows suit.

I can't be here for that.

I don'twantto be here for that.

As much as I love being in the band, quitting is the best way to create a little buffer zone between the two of us. Maybe then it won't hurt so bad when he falls for someone who isn't me.

Or maybe I'm just deluding myself, and it'll hurt like hell regardless.

It's going to destroy you, a little voice whispers…and I know it's right. Whether I'm in the band or not, the day Declan Riser falls in love is the day my heart shatters into pieces.

"I'll follow you," I mutter, scurrying from the dressing room before he sees the tears welling in my eyes.

---