Page 80 of The Snowball Effect

Because she wasn’t a part of this family. Not inthatway. It was a truth that stung when she was confronted by it so blatantly, but it was a truth nonetheless.

“I know you don’t want to be here,” Kimberly’s voice was tight with sadness, disappointment, and a whole host of emotions that Emma didn’t want to try to decipher.

Not when the shock of her mom’s words was still rushing through her. She opened her mouth, unsure of what to say. Eventhough she knew she hadn’t hidden her feelings – Regan was right; she’d never lied well – she’d never expected Kimberly to call her out on it.

Kimberly waved any possible comment away, her lips tugging into a small, unhappy smile. “You don’t need to say anything; it’s very clear. And I hate pushing you so much, I really do. Every time I call or text, it feels awful because I know you don’t want to answer. But I can’t stop,” her mom confessed, taking in a trembling breath.

Emma’s stomach tightened into the biggest, tightest knot of the night. It made her feel sick, but also made her feel like she wanted to cry. And she hated it, she hated every second that was crawling by.

“I just – Ilove youso much, Emma Bo Bemma. I know it might be hard for you to believe. But I do. I know you hate it when I call you that name, too, and I can’t help it. Because I miss the days when I’d come to see you, and your little face would just light up. When you were so excited to see me, and you wanted me around.” Her voice went reedy, “When you loved me, too. And I regret everything from back then. Every time I flaked out. Every time I didn’t call. Every time I left.”

Emma’s throat was so tight with every word her mom spoke, she couldn’t have possibly responded even if she wanted to. It was so tight, she struggled to simplybreathethrough it.

“I know our relationship is the way it is entirely because of me. But that’s why I haven’t been able to give up trying to get you over here for the last few months. I’ve had this hope that if you just… if you came here, if I could have you here with your sisters, as afamily, it would feel right.” There was a desperation in her words, which burrowed deep into Emma’s chest. “Because it feels so right, to me.”

“I thought – Ihoped– that maybe it would feel right for you, too. Being here.” She took a deep, shaking breath and lifted herwide, sad eyes to Emma’s. “But I can see that it doesn’t,” she conceded, bowing her head with the words. As if justsayingthat she was going to give up pained her.

“I understand why you hate me, Emma.” The tears brimming in her mom’s eyes – the same blue as her own – spilled over in thick trails down her cheeks. “I wasn’t a good mom to you, not even close to the mother you deserved. And I don’t want you to resent me even more, so I… I’ll back off.”

Kimberly sniffled, reaching up to press her hand over her mouth, and Emma felt like her chest had been cracked open. It could no longer contain the tightness, the pain. The pain that she wished felt hollow, but it didn’t; it would be easier if this pain were hollow.

It was so achingly full.

“I don’t hate you,” she managed to push out, trying her best to blink back her own tears. The backs of her eyes burned with them.

“You – you don’t?” Kimberly asked, an undeniable hope in her voice as she searched Emma’s face.

God, Emmawishedshe did. She couldn’t say that. She couldn’t summon that kind of cruelty. But this would be so much simpler if she hated Kimberly.

“I don’t know how to feel around you,” she confessed the truth in a whisper, dropping her gaze away from her mom’s. It felt like it was far too much to handle. “Because I do… love you.” The words nearly stuck in her throat, feeling soheavy. Saying them felt clunky and awkward, but also not wrong.

What Kimberly had said minutes ago was true – throughout her childhood, Emma had been utterly thrilled every time her mom returned home. Every time she’d taken Emma out for bagels, every time she’d surprised her by simplybeing there. But it got harder as the years went on. Then, the wall was built, solidand nearly impenetrable, when her mom moved to Florida and started her family anew.

She hastily reached up to swipe her hand over her eyes, trying to take a deep, stabilizing breath.

Emma didnotwant to break down here, surrounded by family photos in this hallway.

It took effort to clear her throat, trying to rid some of the tightness there, as she blinked her eyes open. “You – you don’t need to stop texting or calling. But… maybe less? Just – I need to be able to breathe.”

Kimberly’s eyes were wide, and she nodded along as if soaking in every word Emma said. “I can do that.”

“And please stop calling me during the workday.”

“Yes, absolutely. I’ll stop,” she promised, breathing a watery laugh.

As Emma took a deep breath, she realized that she didn’t feel like she was drowning. She could do this; she could try with Kimberly.

After all,tryingwith Regan had been working wonders. Maybe it could work here, too.

The last thing Emma had expected to come from her night wasactuallybrowsing through the bookshelves at On the Same Page, the bookshop a block away from their apartment.

Regan had called for their Uber, which had dropped them off here twenty minutes ago.

Even though she was mentally and physicallyexhaustedfrom the emotions that had wrung her dry tonight, being here, surrounded by the stacks of one of her favorite bookshops, gaveher an immediate sense of calm. A soothing balm over the jagged edges inside of her that had been exposed tonight.

But right now, she was in her happy place. She’d combed through the general fiction section and had taken ten books from her TBR list, settling in one of the comfortable, worn chairs to decide which ones she was going to purchase.

Regan had disappeared when they’d walked through the doors, but Emma figured she would hear a commotion somewhere in the store and find her eventually.

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