Page 64 of The Snowball Effect

She didn’t mean to sound judgmental. Really, she didn’t. But Emma’s logic-driven brain simply couldn’t compute that answer, though. Not when Regan had her life set up for her back in Massachusetts. She’d known Regan had attended Brandeis University for a year, that she could have finished her education without a single student loan, to have a degree to fall back on as a security blanket at the very least.

Regan was frowning back at her. “Yes,” she doubled down, firmly. “That’s exactly what I did.”

Emma bit the inside of her cheek to hold back any thoughts she had that could possibly come out that weren’t very positive. Literally, she bit down and averted her gaze from Regan’s to stare at the table and mind her own business.

The sigh Regan let out was full of obvious frustration, though, as she dropped her hand down to the table and tapped her fingertips against it. “Just say it.”

Emma cleared her throat as she shot Regan a look. “Say what?”

Regan’s stare alone demanded Emma cut through the bullshit. “Whatever you’re obviously thinking but not saying. Just say it so you aren’t stewing on it.”

“I shouldn’t,” Emma disagreed. “Because I’mtrying, remember?”

“You putting in effort to our friendship doesn’t mean you don’t have opinions; I’m fully aware you have them. And we won’t ever get anywhere if we aren’t being ourselves.” Regan squared her shoulders as she turned in the booth to look at Emma fully. “So, I will tell you again: just say it.”

“Youreallyare as persistent as I am stubborn,” Emma muttered as she turned sideways to face Regan, as well. If Regan could take criticism head-on, Emma could deliver it the same way. “Look, I’m sorry, but that’s something I’ve always found really frustrating about you. If you want the spirit of honesty between us asfriends, then… there it is.”

The way Regan’s eyebrows furrowed made her confusion clear.

Emma elaborated, “The fact that youcouldhave had that path in life! College completely paid for, a bright future that you don’t have to beg, borrow, and steal anything to achieve. I don’t hold it against Sutton that doors were opened for her inlife because she was born into a wealthy family, because I can respect that she understands how privileged she is, and she’s using it to work toward her own dreams.”

She shook her head slightly, staring at Regan, feeling just as baffled as she’d been a minute ago. Feeling echoes of frustration she’d had with Regan for years.

“Do you even understand how lucky you are? To have gone to the school system you grew up in, to have the doors opened to you that you did?” She searched Regan’s gaze, reallywantingto know; this wasn’t rhetorical to Emma.

“Do you know how hard I’ve had to work to get to where I am? How many jobs I’ve had to work to slog my way through college, to pay the tuition I owed even after maxing out all of my student loans? Do you think I wanted to graduate and start my career only a few months shy of turning thirty? A career in which I’m currently spending my days sifting through applications for the Alton Writing Fellowship, and every single one is a giant reminder that I earned one of those Fellowship spots myself – and then couldn’t go. Because I couldn’t afford it.”

The words burst from her, from a place so far down, Emma hadn’t expected it to bubble up to the surface. She blinked in surprise, embarrassment quickly on its heels to tie knots in her stomach.

And Regan’s crystal clear gaze – which had gone from confused to defensive to curious and had now settled on sympathetic – held hers, refusing to let go. “I never knew you got into the Alton program thing.”

Emma shrugged, the movement jerky as she reached up a fidgeting hand and swiped her hair behind her ear. “Yeah, it was before I met you. Er, before I met Sutton,” she quickly corrected, feeling her cheeks burn under Regan’s watchful gaze.

What she wasn’t going to say to Regan was that Emma didn’t discuss the brief moment in time that she’d been accepted intothe Alton Fellowship with anyone. She’d been utterly elated when she’d gotten accepted, had wanted to shout it from the rooftops. She’d already been gripping her phone so she could call her grandmother and tell her the news…

But then she’d finished going through the envelope and realized that while she had a spot in the program, she hadn’t received any grant money.

Meaning that to partake in the four-month-long California-based fellowship, Emma would have to somehow find the money to get herself across the country, find a new place to live, and try to find a job that would allow her to work around the fellowship hours. All while living away from the only supports she had, in the forms of her gram and her girlfriend.

And the fact that she’d factored how much she’d miss Felicity and their stable relationship, only for Felicity to turn around and unceremoniously dump Emma, had been a retroactive slap in the face, on top of it all.

She cleared her throat. “Anyway, I wasn’t trying to be an asshole to you about the decisions you make in your own life. Because – itisyour life. I just… it’s… hard to see someone have access to so many opportunities, like you have, when I would havekilledto have half of that access.”

She still felt embarrassed, saying it aloud. Because saying it aloud brought Emma back viscerally to the memories of when she was the only kid in her middle school class who was there on scholarship. Being poor and feeling ashamed of being poor. Then, on top of that, feeling ashamed of being ashamed, because she knew how fucking hard her grandmother worked to provide for her.

Emma couldn’t even remember the last time she’d talked about any of these feelings, the last time those core memories had felt so present in her mind. And she couldn’t understandwhy the hellshe’d just laid out so much about herself to Regan in a diner booth.

Regan’s hand landed softly on Emma’s again, soft and warm, and when she squeezed Emma’s wrist, Emma forced herself to look up at Regan.

Much like in middle school, she’d put on a brave, defiant expression, even if it didn’t match her feelings.

But Regan’s expression didn’t match the middle school bullies, not at all. It was sweet and filled with an understanding Emma hadn’t anticipated. “I really appreciate you telling me all of that.”

Emma arched a doubtful eyebrow at her. “Really?”

Regan wasgladEmma had spilled her deep-seated, bitter feelings on Regan’s privilege?

Still, Regan’s guileless face didn’t lie. “Yeah, because I feel like I actually get it, now. Why you’ve always been sogrrtowards me. And…” Regan’s white teeth dug into her lip as she dropped her gaze for the first time. “I understand why you feel that way. It makes sense.”

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