Page 107 of The Snowball Effect

It bolstered her to keep going. To think… maybe Emma really wouldgether.

“You thought I was crazy to move here because you see Sutton as my best friend. And sheis, but… for most of my life, she’s also been myfamily.” Regan searched Emma’s gaze with her own, hoping she could see how strongly Regan meant that. “After high school, when she came to New York, I stayed back and went to Brandeis. Because it was what my parents wanted, and… there was still a part of me that wanted them to think I wasn’t a total waste of space. A little piece of me that wanted them to see that – I wasn’t their screw-up kid. That I could be successful, or something. I don’t really know.”

She shrugged, clearing her throat as she looked back at the blanket. Even though she didn’t feel that way anymore – at least, not so acutely and much more infrequently – she remembered very vividly what it had been like. Just wanting to doone thingright in the eyes of her parents.

“And that’s the normal thing, right? You finish high school, and you go to college. You say goodbye to seeing your best friend all of the time because they are on a different path in life. It seems like everyone else can do it. Go to school, slog through a degree even if you don’t love it. Accept that the closeness you share with your high school best friend isn’t going to be forever. But…”

She dug her teeth into her lip, her insides churning as she could so clearly recall how that year had felt, even if it had been eight years ago now.

“It sucked.” She summarized, simply. “It sucked so, so much. And not just in anI miss my friendway. But in a…”

She paused, the words catching in her throat as she lifted her eyes to Emma’s, who was watching her with such a close, intent focus.

Suddenly sheepish, Regan dropped her hands to her knees, gripping them tightly. “You’re going to think it’s stupid.”

“Okay, maybe, but when has that ever stopped you before?” Emma teased, but her voice was gently coaxing.

A nervous titter escaped her. “True.”

The difference was that Regan rarely got in her own head, worried that she would sound silly. In fact, she was all too willing to fall on her sword and play the fool – play into what people so often thought of her – in order to direct a situation to an easy resolve.

Only she didn’twantthat with Emma. She didn’t want Emma to think of her as silly or as a fool in any way. She wanted – badly – to keep the respect she’d started earning in Emma’s eyes.

But she only wanted it if Emma really meant it.

So, she continued. “I missed Sutton in a way that – everything felt wrong. Like, there was one person in my entire life that didn’t think that I was too much or… or not enough, or both at the same time.” She rolled her lips, eyebrows furrowing as that unpleasant feeling burrowed into her stomach. “My parents feel that way about me. And I always thought my sister did, too. It wasn’t even something I inferred, you know? Like, it was the truth.”

She slid a look toward Emma. “That’s why I felt kind of sensitive to you thinking the same way.” Her voice fell quiet, thatlast part leaving her lips unexpectedly. She bit her cheek because shehadn’tmeant to say that part.

Quickly, she shook her head and pushed on. “Not a big deal. Anyway… I did have other friends back home. People I could hang out with sometimes, or whatever. But it wasn’t the same thing. Like I wasn’thomewith them.” Regan shrugged heavily, dropping her hands into her lap, away from the blanket. “I was going to a college I didn’t even deserve to go to – my grades weren’t that great,” she admitted, scoffing out a laugh. “Your irritation at the idea of me and my familial privilege was definitely right about that.”

“And my undiagnosed ADHD was a total bitch. All the while, I was pursuing a major that I didn’t understand and didn’t want to follow – my parents were paying for me to get a business degree.Something useful,” she parroted their choice phrase. “And I was surrounded by people that didn’t understand me. Because that is what you’resupposedto do after high school.”

Regan straightened her spine, taking a deep breath. “I didn’t follow Sutton here just because living with my best friend in New York would be super fucking awesome.” She gave an amused look to Emma. “Following your best friend here isweirdand not what you’re supposed to do; I get that.”

Emma didn’t mirror her amusement. Instead, she looked at Regan with wide, insightful, sharp eyes, looking undeniably guilty.

But Regan didn’t want Emma to feel guilty about her past judgments, and she really didn’t.

She dropped her hand down to rest over Emma’s, subconsciously stroking her thumb over it, wanting to soothe it away. “I followed Sutton here because I hated every second of my life back home. I was lonely and miserable, and I felt stupid all of the time. Even though I was living with my family, I’d never felt more alone in my entire life.”

“So, even though it wasn’t what my parents approved of – like, they really did not – I decided that I had to do what would makemehappy. Since when had I ever made my family happy or proud, anyway?” A self-deprecating smile playing on her lips, only a hint of an old bitterness burning the back of her throat.

But that had been her big turning point. The moment that she’d really decided for herself what her life was going to be.

“This is my life, not theirs. And I’m going to live it for me. So… yeah. I’m managing a coffee shop and don’t have glamorous plans or huge ambitions. But I like my life.” She nodded as she spoke, affirming her own words. Feeling them settle inside of her in the right place.

“You don’t have to prove that to me,” Emma spoke for the first time in what felt like forever, her voice firm, as she searched Regan’s gaze with her own. “I know we had a rocky couple of years.” Her lips pulled into a smile, quick and sharp and captivating. “But things are different now. The way I see you is different now,” she softly amended.

Regan’s smile froze on her face as her heart skipped a beat. Skippedseveralbeats, actually. Was this what swooning felt like?

She’d been having that thought with increasing frequency when it came to Emma. Yesterday, when Emma stopped on the way to her gram and told Regan, so sincerely, that she thought Regan was funny, loyal, kind, and smart, her knees went weak. And then, when Emma’s gram had told Regan that Emma had a crush on her…

Even now, the memory of it stole Regan’s breath, making butterflies erupt in her stomach.

“What happened with your sister today?” Emma questioned, tilting her head to the side. “If it’s okay to ask.”

“Um.” Regan shook her head, trying – very, very hard – not to get too swept up in those thoughts. After all, Emma haddenied having acrush; only insisting that she’d found Regan attractive. Still.

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