Page 80 of Mud

I wanted to join her, too. Poppy was sweet most of the time, and the times when she wasn’t, it was because of Madeline. Naturally, she’d grown up to love Madeline because Madeline took care of her. Spent time with her. Went on vacation with her. Always took her with to important dinners and celebrations, whereas I, whenever she decided to take me with, was reminded of just how different I was from Poppy all the time.

“Cheer up, Rora,” she said with a sigh. “C’mon, you’re still alive.”

“I’m Mud.” I said it more formybenefit than hers. I said it so I could teach myself how to say it out loud at least for this day. I’d been terrified to think it first, then to spit it out for the world to hear, but it was useless now. Useless to have such silly fears in the face of my future.

Or lack thereof.

“But you’re alive,” Poppy insisted. “And I, Penelope Rogan, swear it on my Prada collection, thatthatis the most important thing.” I snorted. She slapped the surface of the water and it sprayed me on the face. “You know I don’t just swear by my Prada for nothing. I read it in likethree books!”

I wanted to laugh. I really did. I was just too…deadinside at the moment. Which seemed fitting, considering I was going to be dead on theoutsidesoon.

“I’m serious, Ro. I opened my third eye while you were in the office with Mad-Mad, and you wanna know what happens in the future?” I looked up at her. “You.Live!” she proclaimed dramatically.

“The third eye hasn’t opened for you once in your life.” It had rarely even opened for me, and I couldn’t read anything I saw for shit.

That was complicated magic even for senior Iridians. If one could open their third eye, it could see magic more clearly, see a bunch of stuff and energy signatures nobody really knew the meaning of, as well as—sometimes—the future. Far less clearly than a Bluefire clairvoyant could.

Which reminded me of Cassie, and my stomach fell again.

I wondered if she got caught. I wondered if anybody found out she’d helped me make it out of the headquarters, but if I asked Poppy, she might go to Madeline to ask aboutit, so I didn’t. Cassie could handle herself—much better than me. I trusted she would be just fine, maybe even sad to hear of my death when I entered the Iris Roe—but I digress.

The future wasn’t set in stone, and some people just got seconds at a time through their third-eye, like a glimpse into their lives or the lives of their loved ones, but it never had to come true. It was just one of the variables ahead of us.

Poppy rolled her eyes, but at least she wasn’t pouring water on my head anymore. “Well, I have tworealeyes right here”—she showed me with her fingers—“and I know for a fact that you can get through the Iris Roe. I’ve seen you fight. I’ve seen you shoot those awful things that time I came to the academy, remember? You’re going to win this baby easy.”

I wished I could believe her.

“Sure thing, Poppy. Of course, I’ll win.”

She beamed becauseshedidbelieve me. “There. That’s more like it.” She grabbed the jug again and moved to the back of the tub, sat at the edge, and proceeded to pour water on my shoulders slowly.

Little by little, the sound of it, the silence in the background, those tears that kept on spilling, made everything seem…not so gloomy.

Yeah, it was the end for me, but it was an end I could live with. An end I could chase on my own feet. And maybe it hadn’t been my choice to end up here. Maybe I’d have loved to be dead already, for Taland to get this over with, but it wouldn’t be long now. Not long at all.

Poppy began to hum some melody under her breath.

I lowered my forehead to my knees, and I cried in silence. His face, the way he smiled while his brothers tortured me was imprinted on the back of my eyes, and Ideliberately kept them closed so I’d get used to the pain—pain I had no business feeling. Pain I had no right to carry.

But he could have at least left the basement.

He could have stopped smiling.

He could have told me he was sorry.

He could have understood why I did what I did that awful night.

You betrayed me, sweetness.

Even the constant stream of tears didn’t lighten the weight of those words, and like I said—I was so tired. So exhausted of feeling so much, of having tobe me.This skin I wore suffocated me.

And now I didn’t have the one thing in the world that offered me any warmth, any safety, any choice. I didn’t have my magic anymore. I was Mud.

Eventually, I moved and washed myself, then wrapped my body in fluffy white towels. Eventually, Poppy convinced me to eat the food the maids brought to my room. I was so hungry, but I hadn’t eaten in so long that the idea of food scared me.

But I ate anyway. And I drank fresh orange juice and lots of water.

Poppy lay down on the bed with me and held my hand until I fell asleep.

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